Have I gotten over Dan? HA! Have I ever in over 10 years? No. Its always left abruptly without closure, without reason. I’m a storm chaser after the passion he provided me. Always wanted to BE with him, legit. I always was “the other woman” and he was SOOO good at making me believe otherwise. But, he was usually always the “other man”. So really, what am I complaining about?
Have I gotten over Kevin? Most certainly. I always try to put him in the best light because he basically “bought” me, and I always feel like I should be grateful for that. Fuck it. “We will still be friends”…HA…..right. We were friends right up until you had me out of your house and the divorce was final, just like mommy said it would be….FUCK YOU!. But of course you knew that maintaining a friendship with me would lead to maintaining other things. To NEVER talk to someone again with whom I shared so much of my life with, yes it hurts. Do I miss him? I don’t know him anymore. Do I wish to recreate the experiences we’ve had with someone new? Absolutely.
Do I love Mark as I tell him I do? I don’t know. He has already lived life, he’s already had children. He doesn’t have contact with them. The oldest is my age. He annoys me. But he makes me breakfast and walks my dogs. He tries. And he allows me to cry and talk about whatever crazy thing that bothers me. And he remembers. And he understands.
But he is quite incorrigible most of the time, and never wants to leave this god forsaken apartment building. I can’t make babies with him.
I want someone to DO things with. I am tired of going solo to everything. I’d rather sleep than go to another thing alone and I just can’t take it anymore.
There isn’t any hope.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Saturday, July 9, 2011
THESE THINGS DO HAPPEN
All the time really. Boy meets girl, they are fond of each other and spend many months getting to know each other, being intimate, laughing and talking etc.
One day, not too much unlike many others, the boy and girl were laying in bed together and he was aroused….for absolutely no reason. Well, she wasn’t and she told him to take his time with the backrub and the ear kisses and he will surely get what he’s looking for. Goal achieved without too much effort. Well then, wouldn’t you know it, the boy had to go pee-pee. The girl said “hurry” and then waited, and waited and waited as her thoughts drifted from the almost painful desire in her nether-regions to recapping the workday and things she needs to do over the weekend. Needless to say, the desire waned. And so, she hoped for the best but expected the worst and let the activities begin, hoping it would be a quick one. His two day old stubble abrasively shredded the skin off her face with every push. His breathe, abundant with garlic, burned her face and nose. She turned away from him to avoid these things and she wanted this activity to end.
He sensed this and asked “Should I stop?” she said “No”. Because she knew from experience with others, stopping would make him angry, and then she would be alone.
She spent the rest of the time watching the shadows of a man on top of her, engaging in the most human activity yet appearing so inhuman. It wasn’t the caring , gentle, harmless man she knew that morning. It was the man she’s seen before throughout the years. Selfish, needing, animalistic. All different men, but they all look the same in the dark in that situation….ugly. She was regressing into a dark place in her past where sex was not enjoyed. It was a demeaning chore.
“Ouch” she said as the needles of his facial hair pressed against her skin for the last time and his arms crushed her elbows in such a way, that it JUST had to stop.
She rolled over near tears because she cries for things that are GOING to happen, and has just about cried them all. He got up and dressed and said “Take care” as he left.
One day, not too much unlike many others, the boy and girl were laying in bed together and he was aroused….for absolutely no reason. Well, she wasn’t and she told him to take his time with the backrub and the ear kisses and he will surely get what he’s looking for. Goal achieved without too much effort. Well then, wouldn’t you know it, the boy had to go pee-pee. The girl said “hurry” and then waited, and waited and waited as her thoughts drifted from the almost painful desire in her nether-regions to recapping the workday and things she needs to do over the weekend. Needless to say, the desire waned. And so, she hoped for the best but expected the worst and let the activities begin, hoping it would be a quick one. His two day old stubble abrasively shredded the skin off her face with every push. His breathe, abundant with garlic, burned her face and nose. She turned away from him to avoid these things and she wanted this activity to end.
He sensed this and asked “Should I stop?” she said “No”. Because she knew from experience with others, stopping would make him angry, and then she would be alone.
She spent the rest of the time watching the shadows of a man on top of her, engaging in the most human activity yet appearing so inhuman. It wasn’t the caring , gentle, harmless man she knew that morning. It was the man she’s seen before throughout the years. Selfish, needing, animalistic. All different men, but they all look the same in the dark in that situation….ugly. She was regressing into a dark place in her past where sex was not enjoyed. It was a demeaning chore.
“Ouch” she said as the needles of his facial hair pressed against her skin for the last time and his arms crushed her elbows in such a way, that it JUST had to stop.
She rolled over near tears because she cries for things that are GOING to happen, and has just about cried them all. He got up and dressed and said “Take care” as he left.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
CRABBY
Contrary to popular belief, I do not ENJOY being extra sensitive and irritable. I HAVE my period, I do not have PMS, so the cause of irritability, I have determined, can be contributed to me leg pain, which I have increased my tolerance for but apparently still really bites me in the ass from time to time. But sometimes, I can’t help but wonder if everything REALLY IS fucked up, and no legitimate reason is needed to explain the way I react to it. THAT would be perfect.
I’ve been told things pertaining to my photography like “wow, you notice the beauty in things we take for granted” That is true. It is also true that I notice ALLLL the little awful things as well….call it a gift.
Ride to work this morning…..obstacles. That’s all I can describe it as. From construction (which we all are suffering from now) to extra large trucks that need 5 minutes and 2 lanes to pull out, my back car door being open at Dunkin drive through, traffic traffic everywhere non-stop, hit every red light on the way. By the time I hit Burrstone, all I could do was laugh. Hell, at least there wasn’t a SNAKE in between me and my car in the parking lot like last week.
Mentioning my breakfast experience first hand would’ve made me sound like a mega high maintenance bitch, So I’ll mention it second. Mark made me breakfast this morning. I went over after I got ready for work as I do every morning. He had previously asked me if I wanted eggs and I said “Yes”. He said “I ruined the eggs, they are hard, do you want some?” I said “Not if they are ruined” (totally confused because I have specified that I like my eggs scrambled, and I wasn’t really sure how they would taste “hard”) I was asked again if I wanted eggs and I said ‘yes’ and more cooking continued, I went back to my apartment for something and honestly, there were too many questions involved, I lost my appetite. IF it is too complicated….I will simply go without. This is why I do NOT enjoy eating with or around people. Because they fucking annoy me. If you have had the pleasure of eating with me its because I was dangerously hungry. I don’t enjoy eating, I find it annoying that its necessary for my survival. I am not anorexic, I am 150 lbs, 5’4, size 12. NOT anorexic. I do not hate food. But for some reason, when there are 3 or more questions involved in obtaining the necessary food, I just can’t even be bothered, I’d rather not eat. Especially when THREE of the questions were exactly the same.
Anyway, I took a bite of my eggs “over hard”? SMOTHERED in Italian Seasoning? UN EDIBLE! This is how you make my eggs-Scrambled…a little salt, some cheese if you got it. Also on my plate was 2 UNDER toasted pieced of toast (I specifically held up a piece of toast to him one day and said “this is how I like my toast”) I mean really, the way it was, why bother putting it in the toaster. AND don’t forget the CHICKEN! Yes, chicken, toast and eggs. WTF? Who eats chicken for breakfast? Chicken for dinner would be FANTASTIC right now. I am dangerously hungry. I ate yogurt for breakfast (after my bite of egg) and cake for lunch (it was REALLY good cake)
I’ve been told things pertaining to my photography like “wow, you notice the beauty in things we take for granted” That is true. It is also true that I notice ALLLL the little awful things as well….call it a gift.
Ride to work this morning…..obstacles. That’s all I can describe it as. From construction (which we all are suffering from now) to extra large trucks that need 5 minutes and 2 lanes to pull out, my back car door being open at Dunkin drive through, traffic traffic everywhere non-stop, hit every red light on the way. By the time I hit Burrstone, all I could do was laugh. Hell, at least there wasn’t a SNAKE in between me and my car in the parking lot like last week.
Mentioning my breakfast experience first hand would’ve made me sound like a mega high maintenance bitch, So I’ll mention it second. Mark made me breakfast this morning. I went over after I got ready for work as I do every morning. He had previously asked me if I wanted eggs and I said “Yes”. He said “I ruined the eggs, they are hard, do you want some?” I said “Not if they are ruined” (totally confused because I have specified that I like my eggs scrambled, and I wasn’t really sure how they would taste “hard”) I was asked again if I wanted eggs and I said ‘yes’ and more cooking continued, I went back to my apartment for something and honestly, there were too many questions involved, I lost my appetite. IF it is too complicated….I will simply go without. This is why I do NOT enjoy eating with or around people. Because they fucking annoy me. If you have had the pleasure of eating with me its because I was dangerously hungry. I don’t enjoy eating, I find it annoying that its necessary for my survival. I am not anorexic, I am 150 lbs, 5’4, size 12. NOT anorexic. I do not hate food. But for some reason, when there are 3 or more questions involved in obtaining the necessary food, I just can’t even be bothered, I’d rather not eat. Especially when THREE of the questions were exactly the same.
Anyway, I took a bite of my eggs “over hard”? SMOTHERED in Italian Seasoning? UN EDIBLE! This is how you make my eggs-Scrambled…a little salt, some cheese if you got it. Also on my plate was 2 UNDER toasted pieced of toast (I specifically held up a piece of toast to him one day and said “this is how I like my toast”) I mean really, the way it was, why bother putting it in the toaster. AND don’t forget the CHICKEN! Yes, chicken, toast and eggs. WTF? Who eats chicken for breakfast? Chicken for dinner would be FANTASTIC right now. I am dangerously hungry. I ate yogurt for breakfast (after my bite of egg) and cake for lunch (it was REALLY good cake)
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