HAPPY ANNIVERSARY

6 years ago I went on a date with a man I met on the internet whom I wasn’t particularly attracted to at first. I felt he talked about himself too much and I didn’t like his face. It wasn’t till he kissed me that I felt the surge of attraction….it was a really good kiss….I saw stars and felt sparks.
4 years ago today I married that man. It was a perfect day weather-wise, much like today was. I put a lot of work into pretty much solely planning every detail, hand making every centerpiece and favors, etc. Seating charts, playlists, invitations, registry, thank you cards. I spent a good part of a year of my life planning a wedding, as most brides do. It was so stressful at times that I just didn’t even WANT a wedding. I imagined it being a happy family craft time bonding experience. But I was only bonding with my glue gun. My sister was living with me at the time, but she was barely there and seemed uncomfortable about anything revolving my wedding, jealousy. She was my “Maid of Honor”.
Married. I spent my energies cleaning, decorating, grocery shopping and cooking (once in a while) I spent my energies refilling his coffee, making his toast in the morning, folding his underwear. I wanted to be a domestic goddess. I wanted to be a housewife.
I didn’t spend any time on myself, and that’s not his fault. I became no one. I was living in his life, in lieu of living mine. I never paid for a thing but groceries and my car insurance. I would’ve rather paid and felt equal. My self worth was diminished with the free livin. I felt owned.
Something snapped in me when I lost my job at Divine Bros. I just became a lazy, depressed, needy, unemployed alcoholic. I knew I was well qualified to do many jobs I applied to but don’t have any paper to prove it. I was unemployed for 2 years. I played games on the computer aaaalllll day when he was working, just to pass the time. I hated going to bed bc I knew I would have to wake up to another day of nothingness. And I hated waking up. I would will myself to go back to sleep. Sometimes until 3 o’clock in the afternoon. The more of this behavior I put forth, the more he found reasons to be away from me, understandable. But the more he was away from me, the more depressed I became.
I found the attention I desired from men whom I’ve known previously via email and Facebook. I started an affair with one from my past who’s passion has always been intoxicating. He told me he wanted to be with me, and always pushed the fact that I was still married. So I broke up with my husband, for a little liar boy who doesn’t even drive. He was with his “ex’ girlfriend the whole time he was with me, and quickly lost interest in our affair after I told my husband I wanted a divorce…..Real cute.
After the “break-up” talk with husband, we remained living together in the house, sleeping in the same bed. We watched movies and dined together and even had more sex than we had in the past year or two. With the pressure of marriage relieved from us, we talked more openly than ever and enjoyed each other’s company. Even the lawyer was confused that we still lived together, we drove together to do divorce things and joked & laughed in the waiting area.
I have loved my new life from the minute I emerged into it. I loved having to make things work. I can see clearly in my mind my first days spent here in my apt. So liberating. I have BECOME someone SO completely different. I have BECOME the person he was always wanting me to be. Self sufficient, social, active. Its tragic really.
I miss him. There were tons of good times. We knew each other well. Its all different now.

I miss your face.

Happy Anniversary.

Conversations Pt 2

“You live for me, and that’s not good”
“Really, I live for you?”
“Yeah, you just want to kiss me and make love to me all the time. Weekends are made for …..” (tangent, dry humor and rambling, never got to learn what weekends are actually for)”
“I don’t live for you. What did I do last night? I went out by myself, I made friends. I make friends wherever I go, I am very friendly, and cute.”
“You are cute, cute as a button…..” (Tangent about raincoat buttons) “This is how I am, I don’t like to be kissed all the time.”
“Well, this is how I am” (stratteled and aggressive)
“I’m old and tired”
(After microwaving a cup of coffee) “Wake up, make me dinner, we’ll take the dogs out, and then we’ll make love. Take your vitamins.”
Exit stage left.

Conversations

Post-coital conversation with significant other:
“So, you went out last night? Who did you go with, Joe?”
“No, I went by myself.”
“And you got stuck?”
“I was drunk and met a nice person who drove me home.”
“A man?”
“Yes”
“Did you take care of him?”
“NO!” (laughter)
“Did he take care of you?”
“NO! he just brought me home!”
“ I don’t like to play second fiddle to anyone.”
“Neither do I.” (sternly and calculated)

Post-coital conversation with man who brought me home last night:
“So, do you do phone numbers?”
“Are you asking me for my phone number?”
“Well are you the kinda girl that does that?”
“What, give out my phone number? (thinking) “No, you don’t really need my phone number for anything” (laughter)
“Do you have Facebook”
“Yes, I have Facebook. I am seeing someone, he lives right down the hall in fact, if you look out my peep hole, you will see his door. I was angry with him tonight, that’s why I went out.”
“Is he going to greet me with a baseball bat when I leave?”
“No.”
“Do you do this often?”
“Yes. The last one was a much better kisser than you, but you have a nicer cock.”
“I admire your honesty”
“You’re free to go anytime, be careful in the hall.”

I didn’t thank him for the ride home……that was mean.

Among The Rubble

Just found a piece of cardboard on the floor among canine created debris housing a phone number of a “house guest” I had a month ago. I was happy to find it because I do remember waking up in the morning, kinda looking around, but not to anxiously, for a note or something. He shouldve left SOMETHING. One month later, I randomly look down at the floor after exiting the bathroom and see his name peering up at me, his name which I did not care to know before having him in my bed.
The number was found in the same vicinity where my garbage can was pulled out from under the sink and strewn around the kitchen area. Did he think to leave his number and then decide not to? What made him decide not to? Was it the fact that he was writing it on a torn off piece of a Keystone box? Was it the fact that I asked him his name and said “nice meeting you” after we had sex? Was it the dog shit on the floor? The unmade bed? Was it the fact that I picked him out like a package of meat at Price Chopper? “That one looks like it will be delicious”. I didn’t make it difficult for him. Because I wasn’t FOR him, he was for me.
He had lost his cell phone in the bar and had me call it so he could retrieve it…….so, I had his phone # all along….and he also had mine. What would that conversation have consisted of? “Hi, I’m the girl you met last night, we had nice conversations, amazing kisses and mediocre sex, we should do it again sometime.”
This is not the droid you’re looking for.
But, he served his purpose. See, I used him to prove a point. I didn’t use him for pleasure (thank god, it would’ve been a complete fail) I was upset with my significant other. We are functionally dysfunctional. I was locked down in this building with him, kept a dirty little secret. My point was, there are much younger better looking men who would love to spend time with me in public. In fact, complete strangers who don’t mind kissing me in the middle of a crowded bar. I DID have to make that point TWICE but, I do believe it is now instilled.
A public Thank You to the men who have served ;)

STOP THE WANTING

These people with life growing in them, life growing around them. I have been denied that right by marrying the person I did and by being with the person I am with now.
I married to have a family. I picked the house out as if it were a JcPenney catalog at Christmas. It was meant to house at least one child. That’s why it wasn’t in Utica, because of the schools. I envisioned having a family. A FAMILY. It gives me chills. I envisioned kids getting off the bus and doing their homework on the dining room table, which never existed. I had nursery décor planned out in my mind. Branches and butterflies. It was “The Plan” to have children….until we got married, and then he changed his tune. He saw my dark side and got scared. Or maybe he was afraid that he was unable to create life. Or maybe both.
Everyday that goes by I forget more and more about that life that was supposed to be, but there remains a spore in my heart for the life that was and what was supposed to be.
I was never in love with you Kevin, I was in love with the life that we were supposed to have in my own mind. I appreciate everything that you had given me. I appreciate your half assed attempts in making it work when we would get in an ‘argument’ and you would take me somewhere just to enjoy the day together. I rarely enjoyed it.
Being friends hasn’t worked out either. Well played.
Present day, I am in love with a man who has already had life and family. The reasons why he doesn’t have his family around him now, I know a little about, but I need to learn more. His oldest daughter is my age. His youngest is a son, just turned 23. I do not know why he doesn’t try to see his children. Maybe he sees his children in my youth, and that’s why he loves me. There is no hope in having a future with this one. I miss having hope for the future.