KILL 'EM WITH KINDNESS

I feel things Im not ready to accept by putting them into writing. Involuntary emotions, nothing I ever chose. Over the years Ive learned to disregard the importance of my emotions to a certain extent. They usually jump the gun, travel through time to a place of wishful thinking where they always drag me. It’s a sunny place, but not suitable for living.

You said you are always nice to me and asked for an example of how you are not. You are cruel to me in your kindness. Petting of hair, touching of face, holding of hands….these are not actions that friends do, this is not something I expect from a ‘booty call’, although I do thoroughly enjoy it when you do these things.
Adreneline is higher and higher every time we kiss. Everyday, everything is more and more, and it all started from nothing. From less than nothing even, I was not interested in anyway shape or form in you, in fact here’s an excerpt from journal archives.

Feb 9 2010
Am I gonna get upset about this? Nope. Maybe a little. I kinda feel sick but maybe bc I haven’t eaten and the mouthwash is clashing tremendously with the taste of this cheap beer I’ve come to know and love..
I didn’t want to have sex with you, didn’t want to kiss you or hold your hands up behind your head. I didn’t want you touching my face and I didn’t want to touch yours. I didn’t want you trying to tickle me. I didn’t want you touching me in any way. I did not want you flirting with me.
It’s just nothing for me these days

Something has become. We can talk about the day to day, the hopes for the future, the embarrassing, the boring, the failures. We can laugh. ……We can sit in silence, we can sit in music, we can be bored together without it being boring.
Our bodies are learning each other as if theyre completely separate from us, without our consent, they are learning. I miss the taste of your mouth on mine moments after Ive left. I think about your kind touches and smiles all the live long day

“I’m so glad I will never have a relationship with you”, you say.

This is how you are not nice to me.

YOU AINT NEVER CAUGHT A RABBIT AND YOU AINT NO FRIEND OF MINE!!!!!!

My fabulous morning was balanced out by hitting every red light during my evening commute and coming home to 6 articles of clothing and my tripod on my bed, shredded. (tripod isn’t shredded, just the case) 6 is just the number that I counted on the bed, there was a shirt ruined in the dogs crate (that one mustve been special to them) and who knows what I’ll find on the floor. I have been keeping the bedroom door shut when I leave because I am not particularly fond of picking up my clothes, but today I mustve forgotten and I pay the price. My parents tried for years to train me to always pick up my clothes. Now, at the age of 30, I will be trained to do so by two shit for brains, ungrateful mongrels I call pets.
The total number of ruined clothes since I moved in here (less than a month ago) is probably exceeding 20 pieces at this time. I cannot look at these dogs right now and had a hard time even taking them out and feeding them because I am so beyond pissed. I live in this overpriced smurf carpeted vanilla hot box for THEM! On the bright side, I have less laundry to do. The down side, I hate my dogs, have nothing to wear and lots of messes of shredded fabric to clean up off my bed and other various places in my apt. Brightside/downside, Im undecided at this moment- eating fabric can cause fatal intestinal blockages. I know for a fact (Buster) that it’s $800 to get fabric removed from a dogs stomach. I also know for a fact that if I had an expendable $800, I would buy new clothes instead. The End.

(Busters post rope toy removal surgery scar 2006)

IF A PICTURE PAINTS A THOUSAND WORDS......

When I walk past the cameras at Best Buy my heart rate goes up much like the feeling of new love. Weak and dizzy, adrenaline rush sweaty palms kinda love.
The convenient thing about my true love is that it will never step on my crooked little heart. I don't have to struggle to decipher cryptic and conflicting messages in order to figure out what's expected of me.......my true love has a user's manual. (though also, quite cryptic)
It stays turned on until I turn it off and with an extra battery always on the charger, it's always juiced up and ready to perform. (we are still talking about my camera)
I can push it's buttons without retaliation. It does what I say without questioning or forgetting. It lets me have all control but will pick up the slack for me on days when I need it. It spends every cherished moment from the spectacular to the mundane seeing my world exactly how I see it.
It makes me a better person without asking me to change. This is it. This is true love.
(photo features my ex, Kodak z1012, that was not true love, but we had a good run)

WHAT I AM IS WHAT I AM AND WHAT YOU ARE, OH WHY?

My tears are not so much for you as they are for not understanding what anyone expects from me. I can't. What do I do wrong?
I love my job but it isnt my job bc Im technically a temp. Loved my house, it was never mine. Loved my husband, he was never around. Loved Dan, he was never mine.
Everything is always on loan with terms and conditions that I am never privileged enough to be aware of.
I'm not good enough for someone who isn't good enough for himself. I can accept that. You want something more from yourself and won't accept anything less then who you envision yourself to be, from anyone.
You don't know me and you don't ask. But again, sorry for your loss.
The cry fest was short lived, I bounce back like a beach ball on a trampoline.So I leave you with a kiss goodbye

THIS IS REBECCA, HOW MAY I HELP YOU?

All week at work I make appointments and answer questions pertaining to appointments such as “when, where, how” On the weekend, I don’t want to be answering questions or making appointments, or returning phone calls, or coordinating anything.
So, when it seems like Im blowing you off…..I am. But not because I don’t value your friendship, it’s because I’m your unreliable flaky friend who cancels plans and doesn’t return your call.
Note to you, miscellaneous friends, I do keep plans when made approx 5 minutes prior. I have ALWAYS been that way, can’t change me now.
Don’t take it personal, I don’t even keep plans with myself. I was going to clean, grocery shop and cook today but instead I did nothing. I suppose I still have time but I feel like crap from sleeping late and sitting around all day. I’m dreading walking the dogs, I wish I could have a break from them once in a while, but the show must go on!

WHAT HUSBAND?

Received my second to last installment of “be a good ex-wife” money and cashed my first check today and it looks like we’ll be able to live here another month with electricity and internet. Life is good.
No emotions in me whatsoever when he stopped by. That in itself makes me sad but I wasnt sad to see him, though I wasn't really excited either. Wasn't even excited to get money because I know I have to keep it for bills and rent. (booo)
Happy about divorcing someone who has no time for anyone but himself. Occasionally slightly distraught when memories of him being a different man, and me a different woman, and our life together are brought to my attention, mostly through photographs.I don't think that we will even be friends when its all said and done and I'm fine with that. I have said "his friendship is more important to me than 'screwing' him in the divorce (use the word screwing how ever you'd like) But it's not important for me at all to be friends with him.
My happiness level has gone way up since I moved out and anxiety levels way down. Not bashing him, he's a decent person, just not relationship material. We are now both completely different people than the people we married.

FAMINE OR FEAST

FAMINE
I am angry about my feelings catching up with me. Removing wedding pictures from frames, being ignored, moving out….none of that made me angry or sad.
Making a grocery list and planning out my nourishment for the week made me a little sad. I’m so used to thinking about someone else when I go shopping, it was a labor of love and a natural instinct as a woman and a gatherer.
I was also looking at recipes I had saved online and deleted a bunch that were meant for parties at the house or just something I thought he would like, in my attempt at being a domestic goddess.
First pay check should come tomorrow or Fri. And yes mom, I know I need to watch my money, but I also need to eat some quality foods. Weekends are for cooking and cleaning, there will be a hot meal on the table and there will be someone to share it with, even if it’s just Boomer & Buster.
I also need to start eating breakfast…and lunch….and dinner before 9
Ive been eating only once a day for quite a while, not for any reason except for lack of hunger or tolerance to hunger, not sure which. My body is used to it and its quite convenient to not be hungry all day, but I know its not healthy.
Havent eaten my one meal tonight because theres nothing to be had, hence the grocery list. I don’t have hunger pangs but I know my body craves nourishment, it will be an early night, and a long day tomorrow.

MY SHOE DONE FELL OFF GILBERT!

While yesterday was spectacular for no apparent reason, today was very much unspectacular for no apparent reason. Well, hangover being a possible cause, lack of things to wear and taking note of the need to dye the rapidly multiplying grey in my roots.
The last hour of the day was constant one thing after another, busy , busy, busy. Its not the busy that stresses me out, it’s that 5:00 = cigarette time and I was there after 5. At which time I notice, my shoe broke, rendering it useless. Had to sheepishly ask my new co-workers who barely know me for either their help, or for them to please not make fun of me when I walk to my car barefoot. I was saved, and finished up my work day with my shoe rubberbanded to my foot.
The trudge home through city traffic and construction with no air is wearing on me. There’s never any music on the radio, the pieces of hair too short for a pony tail blow in my face, (when the traffic allows me to drive fast enough) Today I was sans sunglasses and was loosing circulation in my foot due to rubberbands. I had extra shoes in my car because this has happened before, but I couldn’t find them. I really need to clean out my gypsy wagon…..
Moral of the story is, if your flip flops break, you will be stranded, rubberbands work great. And if you bought them at Old Navy, this shall too happen to you, so be prepared.
I’m off to clean this hell hole, the mess may be 1 reason why I feel so shitty today.

FOR YOU ARE RIDUCULOUS

I liked you enough yesterday to not say bad things about you but tonight I may have changed my mind.
Feels amazing to kiss you, lay next to you and hold you with the dusk light filtering through your bedroom blinds hitting your face in the most amazing way, I always want a picture of it.
Feels amazing to have you to talk to, even when you don’t answer my questions…ever. And you don’t always have much to say.
Feels amazing to find you would rather cut things off because we feel too much. We started this months ago (Feb?) with me not liking you in the least bit and it’s grown into a completely different situation.
I laid it all out there for you tonight and now I am fretting and holding my face, and I am nervous. I gave you the options “give me more of you or give me nothing” You chose nothing.
Feels amazing to be confused by you.

204

My neighbor is a young girl with a dog, sweet as pie. We have conversations in the hall and in the parking lot. We mostly talk about our dogs. Today we talked about the hammer and nail sounds coming from my apt late last night, but she doesnt mind. She says "oh, making it home?" or some shit. In fact I could probably set fire to her dog and she wouldn't mind.
Its the boys that get her riled. Friday night I heard a girl crying outside my window, "you're such a jerk, (sob sob sob)" and then shortly after I heard her apartment door shut. It was probably her but I'm sure there are plenty of girls living here who cry over boys, couldve been anyone. Glad I'm not one of those girls.

DEAD ANT, DEAD ANT....

I just killed THE biggest ant I have EVER seen in my life. Oh Em Gee, I sure am building up a bug tolerance in this place, but my heart rate is still way up from it. Here's a pic postmortem. Yucky!!!! Looks like it was time to sweep the bathroom floor anyway.

YOU OLD GLOOMY SIGHT

Don’t know why I do it but from time to time, because we have mutual friends, I come accross Kristins profile and I peep her pictures. When I look at her face (which makes me ill) I can’t help but remember Dan saying such terrible things about her such as, “I was never attracted to her”, “She is so mean to me” , “She is so lazy”, followed by details about how she is mean and lazy.
And I am reminded of these conversations by seeing a pic of the no eye-browed Family Guy lookin' lazy crazy bitch reunited with her little chicken nugget.

That chicken nugget broke my heart a million times harder than anyone else and that little chicken nugget was my driving force in breaking up with my husband.
Now I’m single, and they have each other. I’m perfectly happy, but you must be able to see how I would have a tiny little thorn in my side about this.
When I once referred to him as my greatest love, I now refer to him as my poison. He contacted me the day I changed my status to single. Maybe he was biding his time with her, maybe it was her contacting me from his e-mail, I will never know and don't care to.I simply told him "don't" But there's always gonna be a tinge and a fringe for the boy who made me dizzy when we kissed.

IF YOU SEE GENESEE JOE, TELL HIM I SAID…..

I am still sans computer speakers right now until Kevin comes to help me get them running. I guess they need updated drivers. I don’t know how the drivers ‘fell out’ of my computer when moving, but whatever. I’ve been forced to listen to the radio. The first day I was here I was impressed that 96.9 didn’t repeat a song all day. The second day I was disappointed to find, they play the same songs everyday!! Furthermore, they call themselves “classic rock” but have been hearing the NEW (so it’s not “classic”!!) Pearl Jam song everyday and frankly that song depresses the shit out of me.
“Did I say that I need you?
Oh, Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t now I’m a fool you see,..
No one know this more than me.
As I come clean.”
Also, I believe Collective Soul belongs on the “one hit wonder” station, not classic rock.

NEW LIFE FULL CIRCLE

Although it is a pain in the ass in some ways I am thoroughly enjoying my new life. Started new job today that came from the heavens just in the nick of time, still don’t know what I will be doing there or what my title is or my job description, but the people are friendly (not in an obnoxious way) and the office is nice. Cant wait for tomorrow to shed some light on my function there.
When I said “thoroughly enjoying” I may have used the wrong words. I am enjoying the idea of my independence and the fact that its all come together the way I thought it would despite others doubts. I have my darling dogs, I have a place to live (which is lookin pretty hot I must say) and I have a job that feels like a good match for me, even though I’m not quite sure what my job is lol. But other than that I’m pretty bored. Cant wait for internet on Wednesday, and for my computer speakers to be functional, that will entertain me sometimes. But I suppose I need to find some new people to hang out with. At the same time I feel guilty leaving the dogs here all day when Im at work and I don’t wanna leave them again once Im home. They’ve been so well behaved here, Im pretty sure it was Kevin causing them to misbehave (sorry Kev) Speaking to them in many full and unfull sentences confused them enough to the point of destruction….me too. XOXO.

COUSCOUS ANYONE?

COUSCOUS ANYONE?
My mom and her friend Nancy came over to rummage through the free stuff that was left by suicidal robber chick, amongst which were an abundance of Halloween pillows, a bag of Snapple caps, and a dirty sock. My mother’s friend, being the hoarder that she is took a bunch of bags without even looking through them, (she also took the Snapple caps after saying to me “who would keep this”?) After looking through her loot found a dominatrix outfit. Now, I’m not sure what Nancy considers a dominatrix outfit but this isn’t exactly a sweet old gramma type woman we’re talking about here, she’s raunchy. Within 5 minutes of being here she told Buster to stop sniffing her ‘couscous”. My dogs are not crotch sniffers, and I’ll be honest with you, in my period of deep depression, I’ve gone days without showering or changing my clothes and they were never interested in sniffing my dirty puss. So, who knows, maybe she really did have couscous in her nether region……it was their dinner time. Anyway, cookoo couscous Nancy is regifting the used sex suit to her very own daughter. Which is kinda like giving someone a used dildo. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me but, I think it would kill the mood knowing I was in someone elses sexual tethers…..that my MOM gave me??? Freaks.

PEOPLE ARE STRANGE……

The more I learn about the girl who used to live in this apartment, the more I hope her friends don’t coming looking for her. Saturday, the drunk downstairs was helping my mom and I move stuff and he said the fire dept had to come a few times to pry the door open because she was always trying to kill herself. (Obviously wasn’t trying that hard if the fire dept knew about it) Today, after my landlord cut her lock off of my storage bin and I was helping him move her shit out to the hall, he said she was involved in a robbery with some other dudes, and he knew of this because he found a newspaper clipping of it when cleaning out the apartment! Is it normal to keep newspaper clippings of crimes you committed? I thought only serial killers did that.

THE CALL OF BOOTY

The fact that I woke up so early and remained functional and productive throughout my sweat filled morning is amazing considering how I was rudely awakened at 4am by my obnoxiously upbeat ring tone. At the very reasonable hour of 10:12 pm I sent a gentle text message asking “are you awake?” Well, actually, it said ‘whats up ho, u sleepin?” I guess the ho was sleeping and somehow found it an acceptable revenge to call me back when I was sure to be sleeping. He was of course wasted, very lonely, and a little rude. Oddly enough, being on my own, an idependant woman has raised my self esteem just enough that being your “last resort” is no longer good enough for me. Niether is delivering myself to your doorstep when you need a blow job and hearing you talk about how you want a relationship with someone, and how you have a date, and sitting there while you text other chicks, talk to your ex on the phone and do whatever the fuck else it is you do while you ignore me after you’ve requested my presence in the first place. Nope, not good enough…..not even close.

SUNSHINE, ON MY SHOULDERS…..

So this is how its gonna be? I get up when the sun wants me too. While, ginormous windows are a desirable feature in any apartment, ginormous black out shades would also be lovely. I woke up at 7:30 am blinded and boiling with one large oaf of a dog sleeping on my legs and one happy go lucky eternal puppy licking my face. By 8:00 am I had already walked up and down the stairs 3 times.

PUT SOME SUGAR IN YOUR BITTER

Spent some time taking wedding pictures out of frames. Not because I hate him or regret getting married, but because it would be totally psychotic for a divorced woman to hang her wedding pictures in her new bachelorette pad. I had no negative or positive emotions while doing this, it was just a task that created another task….finding new pics to put in the frames! While I was doing this though, for some reason I thought of my mother and how I know she would find it a sad thing. (you know who you are mom) It’s not a sad thing, it’s a moving on thing. And somehow I’ve found it easy to move on, even when he comes over and throws me off my bed accidentally in the middle of ….ahem. I’ve also spent PLENTY of time sitting around being sad about losing my house and my husband, but……it was never MY house to begin with, it was never MY life. Sure, I made it that way to a certain extent, its not like he kept me a slave (he did used to joke about taking my shoes away so I couldn’t leave) He’s done so much with his time, he worked really hard to get where he is, and has always taken care of me from day one. I could have also, but I didn’t. That was a bad choice I made with my time. I have made the excuse/statement that I devoted my life to him, I cared more about him than I do myself, blah blah, He didn’t want that…..niether did I.

FEELIN HOT HOT HOT

First day in new apt, second night-
Developing new routine for dog feeding and walking, must remember keys to building when I do this! It was an almost tragedy, but Buster and I realized we forgot the keys before we got out the door so in lieu of getting locked out, we just had to walk up the damn stairs again. I don’t have a count of how many stairs I walk up and down everyday, but I do know that my ass gets hotter with everyone.
It’s dang hot up in this bitch! Found myself sitting on the kitchen (and I use that term loosely) floor with an ice cube in each hand for the dogs to eat. (they like licking ice cubes but will only do so if mommy holds them) Later that day realized Boomer has been camping out on the “kitchen” floor so I laid down next to him, he’s right, it’s much cooler, I almost fell asleep but not before taking his picture.

Also, on the hot note, thank you sister for bringing me screens for my windows. Y’all know Im a bug-a-phobe, but last night it was so hot I chose fans in the windows over being bug free. Killed a mosquito in my “kitchen”, but not before it bit me. There was a bee spotted in here earlier but I haven’t seen him. I’m sure he will show up at the most inopportune moment. (shower maybe?)

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST

Later, I had a special visitor who came bearing gifts of the alcohol and nicotine variety. (Who can resist a man at the door with a 30pk of beer and a pack of smokes?) To add INJURY to insult, when changing positions he over estimated the size of the bed. On the way down my back met the corner of the nightstand. Couldn’t help but ROFL, because I was on the floor so why not roll around and laugh? Anyway, it was funny then, now it just hurts. My mom says it looks like someone bit me. She knows me too well.

BAD DOG MOMMY

First night in new apt-. Got the bed and all essential items moved in and then sat here dreading having the dogs here. Then sat here missing them, so I went to get them. I put Boomer in the cage (bc he’s naughty in the car) and let Buster jump in having free reign. Got to the corner, looked in the rearview mirror and realized (the same time as Buster) that I had failed to CLOSE the back of my car (Forester) Simultaneously at that moment of realization I parked in the street and Buster jumped out the back. I ran to the back of the vehicle and he was GONE
Apparently he was just playing Chinese fire drill because he appeared a few seconds later and jumped back in the car. (Whos a good boy?) Sadly enough, that was the second time that day I attempted to drive away with the back of my car open, but only the first with live cargo.