Have I gotten over Dan? HA! Have I ever in over 10 years? No. Its always left abruptly without closure, without reason. I’m a storm chaser after the passion he provided me. Always wanted to BE with him, legit. I always was “the other woman” and he was SOOO good at making me believe otherwise. But, he was usually always the “other man”. So really, what am I complaining about?
Have I gotten over Kevin? Most certainly. I always try to put him in the best light because he basically “bought” me, and I always feel like I should be grateful for that. Fuck it. “We will still be friends”…HA…..right. We were friends right up until you had me out of your house and the divorce was final, just like mommy said it would be….FUCK YOU!. But of course you knew that maintaining a friendship with me would lead to maintaining other things. To NEVER talk to someone again with whom I shared so much of my life with, yes it hurts. Do I miss him? I don’t know him anymore. Do I wish to recreate the experiences we’ve had with someone new? Absolutely.
Do I love Mark as I tell him I do? I don’t know. He has already lived life, he’s already had children. He doesn’t have contact with them. The oldest is my age. He annoys me. But he makes me breakfast and walks my dogs. He tries. And he allows me to cry and talk about whatever crazy thing that bothers me. And he remembers. And he understands.
But he is quite incorrigible most of the time, and never wants to leave this god forsaken apartment building. I can’t make babies with him.
I want someone to DO things with. I am tired of going solo to everything. I’d rather sleep than go to another thing alone and I just can’t take it anymore.
There isn’t any hope.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Saturday, July 9, 2011
THESE THINGS DO HAPPEN
All the time really. Boy meets girl, they are fond of each other and spend many months getting to know each other, being intimate, laughing and talking etc.
One day, not too much unlike many others, the boy and girl were laying in bed together and he was aroused….for absolutely no reason. Well, she wasn’t and she told him to take his time with the backrub and the ear kisses and he will surely get what he’s looking for. Goal achieved without too much effort. Well then, wouldn’t you know it, the boy had to go pee-pee. The girl said “hurry” and then waited, and waited and waited as her thoughts drifted from the almost painful desire in her nether-regions to recapping the workday and things she needs to do over the weekend. Needless to say, the desire waned. And so, she hoped for the best but expected the worst and let the activities begin, hoping it would be a quick one. His two day old stubble abrasively shredded the skin off her face with every push. His breathe, abundant with garlic, burned her face and nose. She turned away from him to avoid these things and she wanted this activity to end.
He sensed this and asked “Should I stop?” she said “No”. Because she knew from experience with others, stopping would make him angry, and then she would be alone.
She spent the rest of the time watching the shadows of a man on top of her, engaging in the most human activity yet appearing so inhuman. It wasn’t the caring , gentle, harmless man she knew that morning. It was the man she’s seen before throughout the years. Selfish, needing, animalistic. All different men, but they all look the same in the dark in that situation….ugly. She was regressing into a dark place in her past where sex was not enjoyed. It was a demeaning chore.
“Ouch” she said as the needles of his facial hair pressed against her skin for the last time and his arms crushed her elbows in such a way, that it JUST had to stop.
She rolled over near tears because she cries for things that are GOING to happen, and has just about cried them all. He got up and dressed and said “Take care” as he left.
One day, not too much unlike many others, the boy and girl were laying in bed together and he was aroused….for absolutely no reason. Well, she wasn’t and she told him to take his time with the backrub and the ear kisses and he will surely get what he’s looking for. Goal achieved without too much effort. Well then, wouldn’t you know it, the boy had to go pee-pee. The girl said “hurry” and then waited, and waited and waited as her thoughts drifted from the almost painful desire in her nether-regions to recapping the workday and things she needs to do over the weekend. Needless to say, the desire waned. And so, she hoped for the best but expected the worst and let the activities begin, hoping it would be a quick one. His two day old stubble abrasively shredded the skin off her face with every push. His breathe, abundant with garlic, burned her face and nose. She turned away from him to avoid these things and she wanted this activity to end.
He sensed this and asked “Should I stop?” she said “No”. Because she knew from experience with others, stopping would make him angry, and then she would be alone.
She spent the rest of the time watching the shadows of a man on top of her, engaging in the most human activity yet appearing so inhuman. It wasn’t the caring , gentle, harmless man she knew that morning. It was the man she’s seen before throughout the years. Selfish, needing, animalistic. All different men, but they all look the same in the dark in that situation….ugly. She was regressing into a dark place in her past where sex was not enjoyed. It was a demeaning chore.
“Ouch” she said as the needles of his facial hair pressed against her skin for the last time and his arms crushed her elbows in such a way, that it JUST had to stop.
She rolled over near tears because she cries for things that are GOING to happen, and has just about cried them all. He got up and dressed and said “Take care” as he left.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
CRABBY
Contrary to popular belief, I do not ENJOY being extra sensitive and irritable. I HAVE my period, I do not have PMS, so the cause of irritability, I have determined, can be contributed to me leg pain, which I have increased my tolerance for but apparently still really bites me in the ass from time to time. But sometimes, I can’t help but wonder if everything REALLY IS fucked up, and no legitimate reason is needed to explain the way I react to it. THAT would be perfect.
I’ve been told things pertaining to my photography like “wow, you notice the beauty in things we take for granted” That is true. It is also true that I notice ALLLL the little awful things as well….call it a gift.
Ride to work this morning…..obstacles. That’s all I can describe it as. From construction (which we all are suffering from now) to extra large trucks that need 5 minutes and 2 lanes to pull out, my back car door being open at Dunkin drive through, traffic traffic everywhere non-stop, hit every red light on the way. By the time I hit Burrstone, all I could do was laugh. Hell, at least there wasn’t a SNAKE in between me and my car in the parking lot like last week.
Mentioning my breakfast experience first hand would’ve made me sound like a mega high maintenance bitch, So I’ll mention it second. Mark made me breakfast this morning. I went over after I got ready for work as I do every morning. He had previously asked me if I wanted eggs and I said “Yes”. He said “I ruined the eggs, they are hard, do you want some?” I said “Not if they are ruined” (totally confused because I have specified that I like my eggs scrambled, and I wasn’t really sure how they would taste “hard”) I was asked again if I wanted eggs and I said ‘yes’ and more cooking continued, I went back to my apartment for something and honestly, there were too many questions involved, I lost my appetite. IF it is too complicated….I will simply go without. This is why I do NOT enjoy eating with or around people. Because they fucking annoy me. If you have had the pleasure of eating with me its because I was dangerously hungry. I don’t enjoy eating, I find it annoying that its necessary for my survival. I am not anorexic, I am 150 lbs, 5’4, size 12. NOT anorexic. I do not hate food. But for some reason, when there are 3 or more questions involved in obtaining the necessary food, I just can’t even be bothered, I’d rather not eat. Especially when THREE of the questions were exactly the same.
Anyway, I took a bite of my eggs “over hard”? SMOTHERED in Italian Seasoning? UN EDIBLE! This is how you make my eggs-Scrambled…a little salt, some cheese if you got it. Also on my plate was 2 UNDER toasted pieced of toast (I specifically held up a piece of toast to him one day and said “this is how I like my toast”) I mean really, the way it was, why bother putting it in the toaster. AND don’t forget the CHICKEN! Yes, chicken, toast and eggs. WTF? Who eats chicken for breakfast? Chicken for dinner would be FANTASTIC right now. I am dangerously hungry. I ate yogurt for breakfast (after my bite of egg) and cake for lunch (it was REALLY good cake)
I’ve been told things pertaining to my photography like “wow, you notice the beauty in things we take for granted” That is true. It is also true that I notice ALLLL the little awful things as well….call it a gift.
Ride to work this morning…..obstacles. That’s all I can describe it as. From construction (which we all are suffering from now) to extra large trucks that need 5 minutes and 2 lanes to pull out, my back car door being open at Dunkin drive through, traffic traffic everywhere non-stop, hit every red light on the way. By the time I hit Burrstone, all I could do was laugh. Hell, at least there wasn’t a SNAKE in between me and my car in the parking lot like last week.
Mentioning my breakfast experience first hand would’ve made me sound like a mega high maintenance bitch, So I’ll mention it second. Mark made me breakfast this morning. I went over after I got ready for work as I do every morning. He had previously asked me if I wanted eggs and I said “Yes”. He said “I ruined the eggs, they are hard, do you want some?” I said “Not if they are ruined” (totally confused because I have specified that I like my eggs scrambled, and I wasn’t really sure how they would taste “hard”) I was asked again if I wanted eggs and I said ‘yes’ and more cooking continued, I went back to my apartment for something and honestly, there were too many questions involved, I lost my appetite. IF it is too complicated….I will simply go without. This is why I do NOT enjoy eating with or around people. Because they fucking annoy me. If you have had the pleasure of eating with me its because I was dangerously hungry. I don’t enjoy eating, I find it annoying that its necessary for my survival. I am not anorexic, I am 150 lbs, 5’4, size 12. NOT anorexic. I do not hate food. But for some reason, when there are 3 or more questions involved in obtaining the necessary food, I just can’t even be bothered, I’d rather not eat. Especially when THREE of the questions were exactly the same.
Anyway, I took a bite of my eggs “over hard”? SMOTHERED in Italian Seasoning? UN EDIBLE! This is how you make my eggs-Scrambled…a little salt, some cheese if you got it. Also on my plate was 2 UNDER toasted pieced of toast (I specifically held up a piece of toast to him one day and said “this is how I like my toast”) I mean really, the way it was, why bother putting it in the toaster. AND don’t forget the CHICKEN! Yes, chicken, toast and eggs. WTF? Who eats chicken for breakfast? Chicken for dinner would be FANTASTIC right now. I am dangerously hungry. I ate yogurt for breakfast (after my bite of egg) and cake for lunch (it was REALLY good cake)
Thursday, June 30, 2011
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY
6 years ago I went on a date with a man I met on the internet whom I wasn’t particularly attracted to at first. I felt he talked about himself too much and I didn’t like his face. It wasn’t till he kissed me that I felt the surge of attraction….it was a really good kiss….I saw stars and felt sparks.
4 years ago today I married that man. It was a perfect day weather-wise, much like today was. I put a lot of work into pretty much solely planning every detail, hand making every centerpiece and favors, etc. Seating charts, playlists, invitations, registry, thank you cards. I spent a good part of a year of my life planning a wedding, as most brides do. It was so stressful at times that I just didn’t even WANT a wedding. I imagined it being a happy family craft time bonding experience. But I was only bonding with my glue gun. My sister was living with me at the time, but she was barely there and seemed uncomfortable about anything revolving my wedding, jealousy. She was my “Maid of Honor”.
Married. I spent my energies cleaning, decorating, grocery shopping and cooking (once in a while) I spent my energies refilling his coffee, making his toast in the morning, folding his underwear. I wanted to be a domestic goddess. I wanted to be a housewife.
I didn’t spend any time on myself, and that’s not his fault. I became no one. I was living in his life, in lieu of living mine. I never paid for a thing but groceries and my car insurance. I would’ve rather paid and felt equal. My self worth was diminished with the free livin. I felt owned.
Something snapped in me when I lost my job at Divine Bros. I just became a lazy, depressed, needy, unemployed alcoholic. I knew I was well qualified to do many jobs I applied to but don’t have any paper to prove it. I was unemployed for 2 years. I played games on the computer aaaalllll day when he was working, just to pass the time. I hated going to bed bc I knew I would have to wake up to another day of nothingness. And I hated waking up. I would will myself to go back to sleep. Sometimes until 3 o’clock in the afternoon. The more of this behavior I put forth, the more he found reasons to be away from me, understandable. But the more he was away from me, the more depressed I became.
I found the attention I desired from men whom I’ve known previously via email and Facebook. I started an affair with one from my past who’s passion has always been intoxicating. He told me he wanted to be with me, and always pushed the fact that I was still married. So I broke up with my husband, for a little liar boy who doesn’t even drive. He was with his “ex’ girlfriend the whole time he was with me, and quickly lost interest in our affair after I told my husband I wanted a divorce…..Real cute.
After the “break-up” talk with husband, we remained living together in the house, sleeping in the same bed. We watched movies and dined together and even had more sex than we had in the past year or two. With the pressure of marriage relieved from us, we talked more openly than ever and enjoyed each other’s company. Even the lawyer was confused that we still lived together, we drove together to do divorce things and joked & laughed in the waiting area.
I have loved my new life from the minute I emerged into it. I loved having to make things work. I can see clearly in my mind my first days spent here in my apt. So liberating. I have BECOME someone SO completely different. I have BECOME the person he was always wanting me to be. Self sufficient, social, active. Its tragic really.
I miss him. There were tons of good times. We knew each other well. Its all different now.
I miss your face.
Happy Anniversary.
4 years ago today I married that man. It was a perfect day weather-wise, much like today was. I put a lot of work into pretty much solely planning every detail, hand making every centerpiece and favors, etc. Seating charts, playlists, invitations, registry, thank you cards. I spent a good part of a year of my life planning a wedding, as most brides do. It was so stressful at times that I just didn’t even WANT a wedding. I imagined it being a happy family craft time bonding experience. But I was only bonding with my glue gun. My sister was living with me at the time, but she was barely there and seemed uncomfortable about anything revolving my wedding, jealousy. She was my “Maid of Honor”.
Married. I spent my energies cleaning, decorating, grocery shopping and cooking (once in a while) I spent my energies refilling his coffee, making his toast in the morning, folding his underwear. I wanted to be a domestic goddess. I wanted to be a housewife.
I didn’t spend any time on myself, and that’s not his fault. I became no one. I was living in his life, in lieu of living mine. I never paid for a thing but groceries and my car insurance. I would’ve rather paid and felt equal. My self worth was diminished with the free livin. I felt owned.
Something snapped in me when I lost my job at Divine Bros. I just became a lazy, depressed, needy, unemployed alcoholic. I knew I was well qualified to do many jobs I applied to but don’t have any paper to prove it. I was unemployed for 2 years. I played games on the computer aaaalllll day when he was working, just to pass the time. I hated going to bed bc I knew I would have to wake up to another day of nothingness. And I hated waking up. I would will myself to go back to sleep. Sometimes until 3 o’clock in the afternoon. The more of this behavior I put forth, the more he found reasons to be away from me, understandable. But the more he was away from me, the more depressed I became.
I found the attention I desired from men whom I’ve known previously via email and Facebook. I started an affair with one from my past who’s passion has always been intoxicating. He told me he wanted to be with me, and always pushed the fact that I was still married. So I broke up with my husband, for a little liar boy who doesn’t even drive. He was with his “ex’ girlfriend the whole time he was with me, and quickly lost interest in our affair after I told my husband I wanted a divorce…..Real cute.
After the “break-up” talk with husband, we remained living together in the house, sleeping in the same bed. We watched movies and dined together and even had more sex than we had in the past year or two. With the pressure of marriage relieved from us, we talked more openly than ever and enjoyed each other’s company. Even the lawyer was confused that we still lived together, we drove together to do divorce things and joked & laughed in the waiting area.
I have loved my new life from the minute I emerged into it. I loved having to make things work. I can see clearly in my mind my first days spent here in my apt. So liberating. I have BECOME someone SO completely different. I have BECOME the person he was always wanting me to be. Self sufficient, social, active. Its tragic really.
I miss him. There were tons of good times. We knew each other well. Its all different now.
I miss your face.
Happy Anniversary.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Conversations Pt 2
“You live for me, and that’s not good”
“Really, I live for you?”
“Yeah, you just want to kiss me and make love to me all the time. Weekends are made for …..” (tangent, dry humor and rambling, never got to learn what weekends are actually for)”
“I don’t live for you. What did I do last night? I went out by myself, I made friends. I make friends wherever I go, I am very friendly, and cute.”
“You are cute, cute as a button…..” (Tangent about raincoat buttons) “This is how I am, I don’t like to be kissed all the time.”
“Well, this is how I am” (stratteled and aggressive)
“I’m old and tired”
(After microwaving a cup of coffee) “Wake up, make me dinner, we’ll take the dogs out, and then we’ll make love. Take your vitamins.”
Exit stage left.
“Really, I live for you?”
“Yeah, you just want to kiss me and make love to me all the time. Weekends are made for …..” (tangent, dry humor and rambling, never got to learn what weekends are actually for)”
“I don’t live for you. What did I do last night? I went out by myself, I made friends. I make friends wherever I go, I am very friendly, and cute.”
“You are cute, cute as a button…..” (Tangent about raincoat buttons) “This is how I am, I don’t like to be kissed all the time.”
“Well, this is how I am” (stratteled and aggressive)
“I’m old and tired”
(After microwaving a cup of coffee) “Wake up, make me dinner, we’ll take the dogs out, and then we’ll make love. Take your vitamins.”
Exit stage left.
Conversations
Post-coital conversation with significant other:
“So, you went out last night? Who did you go with, Joe?”
“No, I went by myself.”
“And you got stuck?”
“I was drunk and met a nice person who drove me home.”
“A man?”
“Yes”
“Did you take care of him?”
“NO!” (laughter)
“Did he take care of you?”
“NO! he just brought me home!”
“ I don’t like to play second fiddle to anyone.”
“Neither do I.” (sternly and calculated)
Post-coital conversation with man who brought me home last night:
“So, do you do phone numbers?”
“Are you asking me for my phone number?”
“Well are you the kinda girl that does that?”
“What, give out my phone number? (thinking) “No, you don’t really need my phone number for anything” (laughter)
“Do you have Facebook”
“Yes, I have Facebook. I am seeing someone, he lives right down the hall in fact, if you look out my peep hole, you will see his door. I was angry with him tonight, that’s why I went out.”
“Is he going to greet me with a baseball bat when I leave?”
“No.”
“Do you do this often?”
“Yes. The last one was a much better kisser than you, but you have a nicer cock.”
“I admire your honesty”
“You’re free to go anytime, be careful in the hall.”
I didn’t thank him for the ride home……that was mean.
“So, you went out last night? Who did you go with, Joe?”
“No, I went by myself.”
“And you got stuck?”
“I was drunk and met a nice person who drove me home.”
“A man?”
“Yes”
“Did you take care of him?”
“NO!” (laughter)
“Did he take care of you?”
“NO! he just brought me home!”
“ I don’t like to play second fiddle to anyone.”
“Neither do I.” (sternly and calculated)
Post-coital conversation with man who brought me home last night:
“So, do you do phone numbers?”
“Are you asking me for my phone number?”
“Well are you the kinda girl that does that?”
“What, give out my phone number? (thinking) “No, you don’t really need my phone number for anything” (laughter)
“Do you have Facebook”
“Yes, I have Facebook. I am seeing someone, he lives right down the hall in fact, if you look out my peep hole, you will see his door. I was angry with him tonight, that’s why I went out.”
“Is he going to greet me with a baseball bat when I leave?”
“No.”
“Do you do this often?”
“Yes. The last one was a much better kisser than you, but you have a nicer cock.”
“I admire your honesty”
“You’re free to go anytime, be careful in the hall.”
I didn’t thank him for the ride home……that was mean.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Among The Rubble
Just found a piece of cardboard on the floor among canine created debris housing a phone number of a “house guest” I had a month ago. I was happy to find it because I do remember waking up in the morning, kinda looking around, but not to anxiously, for a note or something. He shouldve left SOMETHING. One month later, I randomly look down at the floor after exiting the bathroom and see his name peering up at me, his name which I did not care to know before having him in my bed.
The number was found in the same vicinity where my garbage can was pulled out from under the sink and strewn around the kitchen area. Did he think to leave his number and then decide not to? What made him decide not to? Was it the fact that he was writing it on a torn off piece of a Keystone box? Was it the fact that I asked him his name and said “nice meeting you” after we had sex? Was it the dog shit on the floor? The unmade bed? Was it the fact that I picked him out like a package of meat at Price Chopper? “That one looks like it will be delicious”. I didn’t make it difficult for him. Because I wasn’t FOR him, he was for me.
He had lost his cell phone in the bar and had me call it so he could retrieve it…….so, I had his phone # all along….and he also had mine. What would that conversation have consisted of? “Hi, I’m the girl you met last night, we had nice conversations, amazing kisses and mediocre sex, we should do it again sometime.”
This is not the droid you’re looking for.
But, he served his purpose. See, I used him to prove a point. I didn’t use him for pleasure (thank god, it would’ve been a complete fail) I was upset with my significant other. We are functionally dysfunctional. I was locked down in this building with him, kept a dirty little secret. My point was, there are much younger better looking men who would love to spend time with me in public. In fact, complete strangers who don’t mind kissing me in the middle of a crowded bar. I DID have to make that point TWICE but, I do believe it is now instilled.
A public Thank You to the men who have served ;)
The number was found in the same vicinity where my garbage can was pulled out from under the sink and strewn around the kitchen area. Did he think to leave his number and then decide not to? What made him decide not to? Was it the fact that he was writing it on a torn off piece of a Keystone box? Was it the fact that I asked him his name and said “nice meeting you” after we had sex? Was it the dog shit on the floor? The unmade bed? Was it the fact that I picked him out like a package of meat at Price Chopper? “That one looks like it will be delicious”. I didn’t make it difficult for him. Because I wasn’t FOR him, he was for me.
He had lost his cell phone in the bar and had me call it so he could retrieve it…….so, I had his phone # all along….and he also had mine. What would that conversation have consisted of? “Hi, I’m the girl you met last night, we had nice conversations, amazing kisses and mediocre sex, we should do it again sometime.”
This is not the droid you’re looking for.
But, he served his purpose. See, I used him to prove a point. I didn’t use him for pleasure (thank god, it would’ve been a complete fail) I was upset with my significant other. We are functionally dysfunctional. I was locked down in this building with him, kept a dirty little secret. My point was, there are much younger better looking men who would love to spend time with me in public. In fact, complete strangers who don’t mind kissing me in the middle of a crowded bar. I DID have to make that point TWICE but, I do believe it is now instilled.
A public Thank You to the men who have served ;)
Sunday, June 5, 2011
STOP THE WANTING
These people with life growing in them, life growing around them. I have been denied that right by marrying the person I did and by being with the person I am with now.
I married to have a family. I picked the house out as if it were a JcPenney catalog at Christmas. It was meant to house at least one child. That’s why it wasn’t in Utica, because of the schools. I envisioned having a family. A FAMILY. It gives me chills. I envisioned kids getting off the bus and doing their homework on the dining room table, which never existed. I had nursery décor planned out in my mind. Branches and butterflies. It was “The Plan” to have children….until we got married, and then he changed his tune. He saw my dark side and got scared. Or maybe he was afraid that he was unable to create life. Or maybe both.
Everyday that goes by I forget more and more about that life that was supposed to be, but there remains a spore in my heart for the life that was and what was supposed to be.
I was never in love with you Kevin, I was in love with the life that we were supposed to have in my own mind. I appreciate everything that you had given me. I appreciate your half assed attempts in making it work when we would get in an ‘argument’ and you would take me somewhere just to enjoy the day together. I rarely enjoyed it.
Being friends hasn’t worked out either. Well played.
Present day, I am in love with a man who has already had life and family. The reasons why he doesn’t have his family around him now, I know a little about, but I need to learn more. His oldest daughter is my age. His youngest is a son, just turned 23. I do not know why he doesn’t try to see his children. Maybe he sees his children in my youth, and that’s why he loves me. There is no hope in having a future with this one. I miss having hope for the future.
I married to have a family. I picked the house out as if it were a JcPenney catalog at Christmas. It was meant to house at least one child. That’s why it wasn’t in Utica, because of the schools. I envisioned having a family. A FAMILY. It gives me chills. I envisioned kids getting off the bus and doing their homework on the dining room table, which never existed. I had nursery décor planned out in my mind. Branches and butterflies. It was “The Plan” to have children….until we got married, and then he changed his tune. He saw my dark side and got scared. Or maybe he was afraid that he was unable to create life. Or maybe both.
Everyday that goes by I forget more and more about that life that was supposed to be, but there remains a spore in my heart for the life that was and what was supposed to be.
I was never in love with you Kevin, I was in love with the life that we were supposed to have in my own mind. I appreciate everything that you had given me. I appreciate your half assed attempts in making it work when we would get in an ‘argument’ and you would take me somewhere just to enjoy the day together. I rarely enjoyed it.
Being friends hasn’t worked out either. Well played.
Present day, I am in love with a man who has already had life and family. The reasons why he doesn’t have his family around him now, I know a little about, but I need to learn more. His oldest daughter is my age. His youngest is a son, just turned 23. I do not know why he doesn’t try to see his children. Maybe he sees his children in my youth, and that’s why he loves me. There is no hope in having a future with this one. I miss having hope for the future.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
LIFE IS HERE
If I had anything better to do with other than spending it with you, I would’ve considered you a waste of it. Instead, I consider you a hastily put together substitution for someone real. I have lost my tolerance for your quiet controlling ways, I have no desire to be trained into obedience through your hurtful words and cold, arrogant demeanor.
Forgive me for wanting someone who appreciates my affections, who can bare to go out in public with me, who appreciates the nice things I do for them. Someone who not only lets me speak, but listens to what I say. Someone who can compromise instead of you. One little thing doesn’t go your way and you shut everyone out. You have the balls to imply that I am immature. I have asked you “what do you want from me?” You have told me what you DON’T want from me. You DON’T want my affection, because you say it “cheapens” a relationship. I am sorry buddy but affection an important part of a relationship, in my opinion. Otherwise, why bother. Its my reward for running your errands and patiently putting up with your ridiculousness.
I want someone who doesn’t think that our president is a trained assassin with an alter ego, Prince William is the spawn of Satan, and the devil lives on the planet Pluto. Not to mention, aliens taking over the planet earth in 2012 aided by our own police forces, controlling the minds of all citizens still alive. A strong minded man who doesn’t fall into anything and everything they read on the internet, that would be nice. An endless sea of conspiracy theories you are but yet you are a regular patron of Mcdonalds & Walmart.
I get it. You have built a machine acting against anything good to punish yourself for your life’s mistakes. You need to feel punished so you can go to heaven. I don’t have that need. I am respectful and curious to all religions. I am envious for what organized religion does for some people. Community and love. That is a beautiful thing. I have love running through me for nature and for life. I have the drive and capability to help others less fortunate. I have absolute respect for every tree, every squirrel, every blade of grass. I “stop and smell the roses”. I have often times stopped in my tracks to look up at the sky and appreciate its beauty.
What have you done for your God lately? Listening to Christian music and shunning all people who care about you, locked up in your apartment, thinking about the man you used to be, stuck forever in the past, no drive to even have a decent conversation with someone. Always a clown because you feel so bad about yourself, it’s the only way you can interact with people is through humor, dry at best. I have NEVER had a conversation with you. Its always about you. And I have given up.
I am not fond of the way you are trying to make me feel. Subservient. You are an asshole. Your mission is moot. Your religion is the same as mine in some ways, we call it different things. You’re already in hell, you have nothing to worry about for the future. You’re in hell for not appreciating and respecting the beautiful things around you.
You bow to a man who has been dead for centuries, I bow to a planet alive with love & beauty. You shun people when they do you wrong, I embrace them and forgive. You complain about the body you were given and how it fails you. Eat the fruits of the earth, not the slop of a factory. You, my friend, are not a man of “God” at all. You are only a man of yourself. Too self absorbed to even see. Too insecure to let go of what you think you believe in. Your “God” is your security blanket, and I suppose that’s what he was intended for. Life is here. Breathe it.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
TODAY AT WORK I.....
I can’t stop thinking about the man I encountered today, and not in the way that you would expect that I can’t stop thinking about a man.
An old man in a confused state came into the office today. I watched him proceed up the walk. He stopped half way, took his hat off and touched the top of his head in a way that seemed like he wanted to make sure it was still there. He walked very slowly in a meandering sort of way. I said “that guy looks lost”. I have to admit, I was hoping he would find his way, and that it wasn’t to the door of the office.
As he entered the building, I have to assume that he is a client of someone so I ask “How can I help you?” The first thing I notice are his eyes. A milky light blue color, no pupil, one skewed. I have scoured the internet for photos of eyes that resemble his and all I could find were ones of dogs with cataracts. He is bearded and moustached and grey. He was wearing bright blue. I don’t remember the type of garment it was whether it sweatshirt or jacket.
He spoke to me so many things incoherent as if he had his own language, like he hadn’t spoken to anyone in so long that he had forgotten how. The only thing I understood was “I need to talk to a priest”. That made a little sense because the building I work in used to be a rectory, at least 30 years ago? Must have been a long time since he has spoken with a priest. I told him kindly, “Honey, priests don’t live here anymore, this is a Real Estate office”. And directed him to the church across the way. He lingered at my desk with more offerings of jabber as I answered phone calls, not in an attempt to ignore him, but….that’s my job. Within those jabberings I comprehended “….someone to talk to”. I asked “are you okay?” and upon that, he left (very slowly), I opened the door for him. I was happy to see him go because all I could notice of our last moments together was the 3 inch drip of snot hanging from his nose, it was quite appalling.
I shouldve offered him a seat. I shouldve offered him my conversation. He was looking for someone to talk to. I shouldve offered him a tissue, or wiped his nose. What brings you to a place where you are seeking out a priest to talk to in all the wrong places? I should’ve at least walked him over to the church.
I am so ashamed of myself for treating this man with common courtesy when he clearly needed much more than that. I’m an asshole. All he needed was a conversation.
http://www.hopecenter.com/PetLibrary/Cataracts/tabid/163/Default.aspx
An old man in a confused state came into the office today. I watched him proceed up the walk. He stopped half way, took his hat off and touched the top of his head in a way that seemed like he wanted to make sure it was still there. He walked very slowly in a meandering sort of way. I said “that guy looks lost”. I have to admit, I was hoping he would find his way, and that it wasn’t to the door of the office.
As he entered the building, I have to assume that he is a client of someone so I ask “How can I help you?” The first thing I notice are his eyes. A milky light blue color, no pupil, one skewed. I have scoured the internet for photos of eyes that resemble his and all I could find were ones of dogs with cataracts. He is bearded and moustached and grey. He was wearing bright blue. I don’t remember the type of garment it was whether it sweatshirt or jacket.
He spoke to me so many things incoherent as if he had his own language, like he hadn’t spoken to anyone in so long that he had forgotten how. The only thing I understood was “I need to talk to a priest”. That made a little sense because the building I work in used to be a rectory, at least 30 years ago? Must have been a long time since he has spoken with a priest. I told him kindly, “Honey, priests don’t live here anymore, this is a Real Estate office”. And directed him to the church across the way. He lingered at my desk with more offerings of jabber as I answered phone calls, not in an attempt to ignore him, but….that’s my job. Within those jabberings I comprehended “….someone to talk to”. I asked “are you okay?” and upon that, he left (very slowly), I opened the door for him. I was happy to see him go because all I could notice of our last moments together was the 3 inch drip of snot hanging from his nose, it was quite appalling.
I shouldve offered him a seat. I shouldve offered him my conversation. He was looking for someone to talk to. I shouldve offered him a tissue, or wiped his nose. What brings you to a place where you are seeking out a priest to talk to in all the wrong places? I should’ve at least walked him over to the church.
I am so ashamed of myself for treating this man with common courtesy when he clearly needed much more than that. I’m an asshole. All he needed was a conversation.
http://www.hopecenter.com/PetLibrary/Cataracts/tabid/163/Default.aspx
Sunday, March 20, 2011
PUT ME BACK WHERE I BELONG
Somehow my mind thinks I’m meant to be spending my summer entertaining company out on the deck, overlooking the yard, attached to the house that I no longer live in and will never live in again.
I can feel the vinyl floor against my feet in the garage, I can see everything exactly how it was. I smell the cool breeze coming through the screen. I wait for the flowers and see the bees. Daffodils first, then tulips. Must be patient for the rhododendrons, peonies and lilies, the climax of the summer song.
I feel my feet in the pool and I fear the bees. I see Boomer wandering around in the yard and the neighbors cat perched on the fence staring at me through the window. I hear the neighbor’s country music blaring and I see her laying out on her deck collecting skin cancer.
I feel the driveway against my feet, I feel the porch and the grass. I pick the flowers and run from the bugs. Everything is coming back alive today at that house, I can feel it. Life is there now.
As for me, I can’t open the windows that I can barely see out of here. I need to let some life in. I almost want to break them, but they appear to already be broken, otherwise, they would open. I guess I can relate to the windows, anyway. I despise the feeling of this carpet against my feet. I hate the mess that is here in every sense of the word. I hate this mess that is me and that which I create.
I can feel the vinyl floor against my feet in the garage, I can see everything exactly how it was. I smell the cool breeze coming through the screen. I wait for the flowers and see the bees. Daffodils first, then tulips. Must be patient for the rhododendrons, peonies and lilies, the climax of the summer song.
I feel my feet in the pool and I fear the bees. I see Boomer wandering around in the yard and the neighbors cat perched on the fence staring at me through the window. I hear the neighbor’s country music blaring and I see her laying out on her deck collecting skin cancer.
I feel the driveway against my feet, I feel the porch and the grass. I pick the flowers and run from the bugs. Everything is coming back alive today at that house, I can feel it. Life is there now.
As for me, I can’t open the windows that I can barely see out of here. I need to let some life in. I almost want to break them, but they appear to already be broken, otherwise, they would open. I guess I can relate to the windows, anyway. I despise the feeling of this carpet against my feet. I hate the mess that is here in every sense of the word. I hate this mess that is me and that which I create.
A NOTE ON APATHY AND GIVING UP
I’m not sure what I want to feel. That’s probably a good place to be, to have no expectations from anyone = to have no disappointment. I fumble through one on one interactions with people I don’t know very well. I’ve lost the ability, if I ever had it, to dig into myself in order to divulge what I am feeling and/or thinking. I want there to be a story for you when you ask “what’s on your mind?”, but the words seem to fall off the page at moments like that. Its not that I am consciously holding anything back, its that I’m subconsciously making myself unavailable for interpretation.
I suppose, when I see the potential for emotional investment on my part, that’s what closes up my shop. Lately, I have laid myself out on everyone else’s table only to be dropped to the floor and devoured by dogs as discarded meal scraps. There isn’t much left to be nibbled on, I need time to replant, generate new produce to feed you. I need to know how hungry you are for it, if at all.
The fact that I had sex with someone whom, when asked “Do you like him?”, I say “I don’t know yet” …..its really sad. I’m actually disappointed in myself. That’s how I get to know people I guess. On the bright side, many things are accomplished with “sex at first meeting”. Such as,
A. You get to see if the goods are worth enduring any pursuing that may or may not follow.
B. “Well, we got that out of the way” First sex is never as good as second sex….save the second sex.
C. Affection & backrubs are delightful. Don’t EVER have sex with a guy you just met without getting a backrub….girl, have some respect for yourself!
D. Daylight- you gotta know if it all still looks good in the morning.
Anyway, that’s my justification for “giving the milk away”.
On a more specific note,
Analyzing the color of my eyes after we stared at the sky, watching clouds float by in a silence that should’ve been awkward . Remembering things that I have said and relating them to things that you have to say….”Like you said” has to be the sexiest thing I’ve ever heard out of a man’s mouth. Your voice, your smile, your touch…..its all good. It all makes me nervous and uncomfortable. Mummifies me. But, don't be sorry.
I suppose, when I see the potential for emotional investment on my part, that’s what closes up my shop. Lately, I have laid myself out on everyone else’s table only to be dropped to the floor and devoured by dogs as discarded meal scraps. There isn’t much left to be nibbled on, I need time to replant, generate new produce to feed you. I need to know how hungry you are for it, if at all.
The fact that I had sex with someone whom, when asked “Do you like him?”, I say “I don’t know yet” …..its really sad. I’m actually disappointed in myself. That’s how I get to know people I guess. On the bright side, many things are accomplished with “sex at first meeting”. Such as,
A. You get to see if the goods are worth enduring any pursuing that may or may not follow.
B. “Well, we got that out of the way” First sex is never as good as second sex….save the second sex.
C. Affection & backrubs are delightful. Don’t EVER have sex with a guy you just met without getting a backrub….girl, have some respect for yourself!
D. Daylight- you gotta know if it all still looks good in the morning.
Anyway, that’s my justification for “giving the milk away”.
On a more specific note,
Analyzing the color of my eyes after we stared at the sky, watching clouds float by in a silence that should’ve been awkward . Remembering things that I have said and relating them to things that you have to say….”Like you said” has to be the sexiest thing I’ve ever heard out of a man’s mouth. Your voice, your smile, your touch…..its all good. It all makes me nervous and uncomfortable. Mummifies me. But, don't be sorry.
Monday, February 21, 2011
HOES BEFORE PROS
I have absolutely no fucking clue what I am doing with this, with you, with anyone. When did I learn to conceal my depression and anguish so well? And to obtain what? Hurt and anger combined provide such confusion that I have reached a state bordering calm. I am too confused to act, to think, to feel much at all but complete defeat.
ONE aspect of my life is a complete mess and it makes every little thing in between feel equally disastrous. I hold “love” in the highest regard. Don’t make me feel it when you don’t have the capacity to deal with the repercussions of your failure.
I need 3 things from a relationship and 3 things only.
1. Quality TWO way conversations….meaning I ALSO get to talk and feel I am being heard. If I feel I am not being heard….I will treat you the same as I treat my dogs when they don’t listen.
2. Honesty….you are lying to a pro, at least be good at your game. Spend the efforts on lying to me properly or just be honest. Because honestly, I am insulted by a sloppy liar. I deserve for you to spend the effort of putting thought into your lies. Make them elaborate…..utilize your creative writing skills.
3. Time…..working long hours is no excuse when you are spending your free time with some skank living in your apartment whom you think you can “save”. I AM more important because I have treated you far better than anyone you know. I ask nothing from you….but your fucking time. And you give it people who do nothing but fuck you over. We have had this conversation but you wouldn’t remember, because you only have the capacity to hear the things that YOU say.
If I’m using you for anything its affection and conversation. So fuck you.
Last night your arms completely encircled me and I could hear your breathe in my ear as you fell asleep that way, holding me. That was after you said you want to be with me and after we kissed and laughed and talked. After we planned on going out tonight.
Tonight is different. Tonight I have nothing from you but I get to witness your skank going into your apt like she belongs there. I don’t even get to have the “her or me” conversation with you, because you didn’t call. I know you’re not romantically involved with her, but you are. She is your life right now, not me. She consumes you, not me. No matter what you say…..that is the truth. How would you feel if I had a man who thought he was in love with me living in my apartment? What if the tables were turned in every regard? How would you feel? How would YOU feel to NOT hear from me but see a man walk into my apartment as if he belonged there? Have you ever considered how I felt about any of this? Have I been too understanding”? Because I don’t understand, let me make that clear.
The only way you will ever get another chance is to get her out of here.
The only thing I understand is the pain and confusion I feel in your absence.
ONE aspect of my life is a complete mess and it makes every little thing in between feel equally disastrous. I hold “love” in the highest regard. Don’t make me feel it when you don’t have the capacity to deal with the repercussions of your failure.
I need 3 things from a relationship and 3 things only.
1. Quality TWO way conversations….meaning I ALSO get to talk and feel I am being heard. If I feel I am not being heard….I will treat you the same as I treat my dogs when they don’t listen.
2. Honesty….you are lying to a pro, at least be good at your game. Spend the efforts on lying to me properly or just be honest. Because honestly, I am insulted by a sloppy liar. I deserve for you to spend the effort of putting thought into your lies. Make them elaborate…..utilize your creative writing skills.
3. Time…..working long hours is no excuse when you are spending your free time with some skank living in your apartment whom you think you can “save”. I AM more important because I have treated you far better than anyone you know. I ask nothing from you….but your fucking time. And you give it people who do nothing but fuck you over. We have had this conversation but you wouldn’t remember, because you only have the capacity to hear the things that YOU say.
If I’m using you for anything its affection and conversation. So fuck you.
Last night your arms completely encircled me and I could hear your breathe in my ear as you fell asleep that way, holding me. That was after you said you want to be with me and after we kissed and laughed and talked. After we planned on going out tonight.
Tonight is different. Tonight I have nothing from you but I get to witness your skank going into your apt like she belongs there. I don’t even get to have the “her or me” conversation with you, because you didn’t call. I know you’re not romantically involved with her, but you are. She is your life right now, not me. She consumes you, not me. No matter what you say…..that is the truth. How would you feel if I had a man who thought he was in love with me living in my apartment? What if the tables were turned in every regard? How would you feel? How would YOU feel to NOT hear from me but see a man walk into my apartment as if he belonged there? Have you ever considered how I felt about any of this? Have I been too understanding”? Because I don’t understand, let me make that clear.
The only way you will ever get another chance is to get her out of here.
The only thing I understand is the pain and confusion I feel in your absence.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
PATIENCE IS A WASTE OF MY TIME
2-13-11
My patience has been worn down to a generic toilet paper thinness. Follow that which harms you. You do, and I do. Too late to see which door shuts after its been shut. And its almost too late for you to open it back up. I’m sick of the drama you assume belongs to you. I’m sick of you assuming no responsibility in it being yours.
Here’s my problem, plain and simple….I am always here for you, I run errands for you, I bring you things you want or need, I provide love, warmth and patience. I’ve put in my waiting time and I’m tired of waiting. Waiting makes me angry. It’s one of my flaws.
So, take someone insane about you and make her wait, make her promises you never come through with, completely disregard her existence periodically and treat her like a stranger in the hall as to not get the fucking neighbors talking. Disregard her and spend your time with people who have NEVER done ANYTHING but use you and fuck you over. “ I’m sorry I don’t have more time for you”, you said. I’m really sorry about that too. I’m sorry you can’t find time for me while you shoot the shit with douche bags and try to save people not worth saving, over and over.. every fucking day there’s a broken promise, there’s waiting, and there’s you wasting my patience on something not worth a damn.
I feel abandoned and abused, by everyone. Friends, family and you. I hate being told one thing when another thing happens. I hate that I would never talk to my family or friends unless I called them, or unless they needed something. I have never had a phone call from either of my sisters “just to chat”. Ever.
I am making my life, everyone’s bullshit aside. That doesn’t mean that I am not hurt by it all. I am very easily hurt but don’t easily show it, because life goes on. And on and on and on beyond the things humans do to each other, intentionally or not.
This is where I speak to people I have to wait for and to people who don’t listen. This is your punishment. This is where I get angry. This is where I hit and scream and cry, here in these words.
My patience has been worn down to a generic toilet paper thinness. Follow that which harms you. You do, and I do. Too late to see which door shuts after its been shut. And its almost too late for you to open it back up. I’m sick of the drama you assume belongs to you. I’m sick of you assuming no responsibility in it being yours.
Here’s my problem, plain and simple….I am always here for you, I run errands for you, I bring you things you want or need, I provide love, warmth and patience. I’ve put in my waiting time and I’m tired of waiting. Waiting makes me angry. It’s one of my flaws.
So, take someone insane about you and make her wait, make her promises you never come through with, completely disregard her existence periodically and treat her like a stranger in the hall as to not get the fucking neighbors talking. Disregard her and spend your time with people who have NEVER done ANYTHING but use you and fuck you over. “ I’m sorry I don’t have more time for you”, you said. I’m really sorry about that too. I’m sorry you can’t find time for me while you shoot the shit with douche bags and try to save people not worth saving, over and over.. every fucking day there’s a broken promise, there’s waiting, and there’s you wasting my patience on something not worth a damn.
I feel abandoned and abused, by everyone. Friends, family and you. I hate being told one thing when another thing happens. I hate that I would never talk to my family or friends unless I called them, or unless they needed something. I have never had a phone call from either of my sisters “just to chat”. Ever.
I am making my life, everyone’s bullshit aside. That doesn’t mean that I am not hurt by it all. I am very easily hurt but don’t easily show it, because life goes on. And on and on and on beyond the things humans do to each other, intentionally or not.
This is where I speak to people I have to wait for and to people who don’t listen. This is your punishment. This is where I get angry. This is where I hit and scream and cry, here in these words.
Monday, February 7, 2011
“If you need me call me”
“If you need me call me” The problem is that I DON’T “need” you. I have to pretend that I do in order to get your attention, and that isn’t working too well for me right now. I just “want” you. I want your company. I want to continue building on what we have been, and I want to feel like I’m not crazy for feeling so much for you. If I “needed” you, you would be here. But there’s a huge problem with people who “need” others.
I was there. I was that girl you’re trying to help. I had no respect for myself and I cried to my husband A LOT. And I cried for HELP. A LOT. He did everything he could to help me, he went above and beyond and probably cried about it himself sometimes. But I had enough intelligence to know that I couldn’t change as long as I had someone taking care of me. I used to wish that he would either die or divorce me so that I could take care of myself for once; I have never done that until now.....and now, I am happy.
“Now” meaning in general, not meaning “right now” Right now I’m wondering why you are spending your energies on two people who have done nothing but fuck you over. And completely disregarding a girl who has nothing but kindness and love for you. A girl who doesn’t “need” you for anything, rather “wants” you….gets nowhere fast, doesn’t she?
I was there. I was that girl you’re trying to help. I had no respect for myself and I cried to my husband A LOT. And I cried for HELP. A LOT. He did everything he could to help me, he went above and beyond and probably cried about it himself sometimes. But I had enough intelligence to know that I couldn’t change as long as I had someone taking care of me. I used to wish that he would either die or divorce me so that I could take care of myself for once; I have never done that until now.....and now, I am happy.
“Now” meaning in general, not meaning “right now” Right now I’m wondering why you are spending your energies on two people who have done nothing but fuck you over. And completely disregarding a girl who has nothing but kindness and love for you. A girl who doesn’t “need” you for anything, rather “wants” you….gets nowhere fast, doesn’t she?
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