HOES BEFORE PROS

I have absolutely no fucking clue what I am doing with this, with you, with anyone. When did I learn to conceal my depression and anguish so well? And to obtain what? Hurt and anger combined provide such confusion that I have reached a state bordering calm. I am too confused to act, to think, to feel much at all but complete defeat.
ONE aspect of my life is a complete mess and it makes every little thing in between feel equally disastrous. I hold “love” in the highest regard. Don’t make me feel it when you don’t have the capacity to deal with the repercussions of your failure.
I need 3 things from a relationship and 3 things only.
1. Quality TWO way conversations….meaning I ALSO get to talk and feel I am being heard. If I feel I am not being heard….I will treat you the same as I treat my dogs when they don’t listen.
2. Honesty….you are lying to a pro, at least be good at your game. Spend the efforts on lying to me properly or just be honest. Because honestly, I am insulted by a sloppy liar. I deserve for you to spend the effort of putting thought into your lies. Make them elaborate…..utilize your creative writing skills.
3. Time…..working long hours is no excuse when you are spending your free time with some skank living in your apartment whom you think you can “save”. I AM more important because I have treated you far better than anyone you know. I ask nothing from you….but your fucking time. And you give it people who do nothing but fuck you over. We have had this conversation but you wouldn’t remember, because you only have the capacity to hear the things that YOU say.
If I’m using you for anything its affection and conversation. So fuck you.
Last night your arms completely encircled me and I could hear your breathe in my ear as you fell asleep that way, holding me. That was after you said you want to be with me and after we kissed and laughed and talked. After we planned on going out tonight.
Tonight is different. Tonight I have nothing from you but I get to witness your skank going into your apt like she belongs there. I don’t even get to have the “her or me” conversation with you, because you didn’t call. I know you’re not romantically involved with her, but you are. She is your life right now, not me. She consumes you, not me. No matter what you say…..that is the truth. How would you feel if I had a man who thought he was in love with me living in my apartment? What if the tables were turned in every regard? How would you feel? How would YOU feel to NOT hear from me but see a man walk into my apartment as if he belonged there? Have you ever considered how I felt about any of this? Have I been too understanding”? Because I don’t understand, let me make that clear.
The only way you will ever get another chance is to get her out of here.
The only thing I understand is the pain and confusion I feel in your absence.

PATIENCE IS A WASTE OF MY TIME

2-13-11
My patience has been worn down to a generic toilet paper thinness. Follow that which harms you. You do, and I do. Too late to see which door shuts after its been shut. And its almost too late for you to open it back up. I’m sick of the drama you assume belongs to you. I’m sick of you assuming no responsibility in it being yours.
Here’s my problem, plain and simple….I am always here for you, I run errands for you, I bring you things you want or need, I provide love, warmth and patience. I’ve put in my waiting time and I’m tired of waiting. Waiting makes me angry. It’s one of my flaws.
So, take someone insane about you and make her wait, make her promises you never come through with, completely disregard her existence periodically and treat her like a stranger in the hall as to not get the fucking neighbors talking. Disregard her and spend your time with people who have NEVER done ANYTHING but use you and fuck you over. “ I’m sorry I don’t have more time for you”, you said. I’m really sorry about that too. I’m sorry you can’t find time for me while you shoot the shit with douche bags and try to save people not worth saving, over and over.. every fucking day there’s a broken promise, there’s waiting, and there’s you wasting my patience on something not worth a damn.
I feel abandoned and abused, by everyone. Friends, family and you. I hate being told one thing when another thing happens. I hate that I would never talk to my family or friends unless I called them, or unless they needed something. I have never had a phone call from either of my sisters “just to chat”. Ever.
I am making my life, everyone’s bullshit aside. That doesn’t mean that I am not hurt by it all. I am very easily hurt but don’t easily show it, because life goes on. And on and on and on beyond the things humans do to each other, intentionally or not.
This is where I speak to people I have to wait for and to people who don’t listen. This is your punishment. This is where I get angry. This is where I hit and scream and cry, here in these words.

“If you need me call me”

“If you need me call me” The problem is that I DON’T “need” you. I have to pretend that I do in order to get your attention, and that isn’t working too well for me right now. I just “want” you. I want your company. I want to continue building on what we have been, and I want to feel like I’m not crazy for feeling so much for you. If I “needed” you, you would be here. But there’s a huge problem with people who “need” others.
I was there. I was that girl you’re trying to help. I had no respect for myself and I cried to my husband A LOT. And I cried for HELP. A LOT. He did everything he could to help me, he went above and beyond and probably cried about it himself sometimes. But I had enough intelligence to know that I couldn’t change as long as I had someone taking care of me. I used to wish that he would either die or divorce me so that I could take care of myself for once; I have never done that until now.....and now, I am happy.
“Now” meaning in general, not meaning “right now” Right now I’m wondering why you are spending your energies on two people who have done nothing but fuck you over. And completely disregarding a girl who has nothing but kindness and love for you. A girl who doesn’t “need” you for anything, rather “wants” you….gets nowhere fast, doesn’t she?