PUSHED HARD ENOUGH TO FALL

I realized tonight how easy it is for me to fall into a situation where I care more than I am cared for. It was like I was still married, craving for someone to understand me and love me.
Throughout the divorce process I always referred to certain things as “the hard part” I would say “this is the hard part” or “that will be the hard part” But this is the hard part. Losing hope that I will ever find someone good enough for me. Fuck the bullshit about me sitting around moping that I’m not good enough for you. You’re not good enough for me. If you don’t care, then you don’t care, and I’m not gonna try to make you.
Yes, I do love you, and fuck you for that. It isn’t a choice I made, it’s nothing that I want, and yes, I will get over it.
I spent A LOT of time feeling like I wasn’t good enough for someone when I was married and I am certainly not going to do that again, for you or anyone. I had a weak day. Today was a total failure from the moment I didn’t wake up.
So, you see, you are only an asshole in my mind, because I love you, and I want you, and that’s my fault, I do apologize. I don’t know what it means I only know what it feels like.
“You’re fucking in love with me aren’t you?” You ask. You’re a conceited asshole and as much as I love you, I hate you the same. “Let me guess you hate me because I won’t date you” , you say. Yeah, that does have something to do with it. You can’t have everything and nothing at the same time.
When I first came to you back in Febuary I was an empty shell of a human, completely guarded and seeking to punish myself by having sex with men whom I didn’t particularly like, congratulations.
Since then you somehow got through my barriers, or gave me a reason to take them down. I can’t count how many times I’ve sworn you off but this has to be the last time.
I have things to do. I have someone to become. You can try to ride two horses with one ass but I’m not going to be one of them. I don’t have the emotional capacity for this heartache right now and this is me pretending that I have a choice.
You can say if I’m not thin enough or pretty enough for you to be in a relationship with me, I can handle that. Just give me a fucking reason. Because I don’t want to hate you anymore. And I don’t want to be in this purgatory with you anymore either.

Creep

Sneaky and stealthily I creep away and challenge myself to not wake you, because I don’t want to explain why I’m leaving, I am pleased to make it to the door without hearing your questions.
You make it this way, you make me guarded because you make me angry and you make me sad. Because you make me feel. And I know, it’s possible that just anyone could make me feel the same way, and I know you know this for yourself as well. But right now it’s you.
I appreciate that we are both n the same lonely boat and can take advantage of each other in the most minuscule or grandest of ways. And I appreciate your new found ways of trying to abide by unsaid rules that should have been said or unsaid a long time ago. When you said “I can’t wait to sleep next to you…. and disregard you the next day” you forgot to disregard me the next day…..
You never earned the right to fall asleep with me in your arms or to wake up next to me. Never earned the right for my words to be about you

LITTLE FISH, BIG FISH, SWIMMING IN THE WATER.......

I hate this night time, so lonely, and I need something to crave. The pool I fish from is shallow. I restrain myself from wanting for anyone within my reach, and I forbid myself from reaching further or finding another fishing hole.
Have not really applied myself in the quest for someone new, because I’m pretty sure it’s not a good idea at this time. This time is about me. I wanted it, I wanted it this way and I am enjoying my life the way it is. There is more to be made of me yet. The foolishness and mayhem needs to be avoided but sometimes brings me a warm body to sleep next to and the affection that I crave.
I would love to come over and punish myself with your company to get the petting and kissing I need. I know that it’s borrowed, and I know that it’s almost toxic from you. While Dan was toxic in an “agent orange” kind of way, you are only toxic in an “I'm allergic to nuts” kind of way, but just as people who are allergic to cats always attract cats…...you can figure out the rest, and such is life.
Despite my said allergies….off I go.

DO'S AND DON'TS AND MISSES

I miss the stupid things like China Wang & movie Sundays. I miss cooking for you on occasion and our dinners out (yeah, I’m hungry) I miss wishing that you would spend more time with me, because I don’t care about it anymore. I miss the comfort of knowing that I have someone in my life who knows me so well and who I know. I miss having the right to miss you, to touch you, to call you…..but I don’t miss you, not who you are now. I don’t know you. Perhaps I never did.
I don’t miss being devastated that I devoted my life to you unconditionally …and you made me feel awful for it, for loving you. I don’t miss waiting for you to come home and wondering why you seem to make special attempts everyday to be away from me. I don’t miss that while you were home…..you made an effort to ignore me. I don’t miss trying to kiss you and being pushed away. Don’t miss the very difficult task of accepting the fact that the man I loved and married suddenly doesn’t want to have children with me after we had planned on it. I made the personal decision after much thought, that you meant more to me than the unborn lives I would’ve birthed. I chose you. I accepted that I would never have children, because I was in love with you. Gave up the most basic of human rights…..to be with you. But, ou can only push someone away so much before they stop coming back. ……I don’t miss trying to muffle my crying every night so you would’t hear. I don’t miss you making me feel worthless and unwanted and good for nothing. I know you didn’t mean it, but you did. I don’t miss everything I’ve done to you to make you be so distant. I don’t miss feeling like everything has always been my fault…I still feel it.

With Two Cats In the Yard, Life Used To Be So Hard....

Why do I put myself through this? I consider it may be a necessary evil. Every day I am confronted with happy or unhappy, couples or non couples buying or selling a house. And everyday I drive by “my” house on my way “home” to my apartment.(I don’t drive by it on purpose, I can see it from the street I drive down to get “home”) I just looked at pictures I had taken of the house throughout the years. I was proud of the work I did there and still am, that’s why I was looking at the pictures. Part of me still lives there.
I miss being in love with him. Its not about the house, and it’s not about getting him back, but that’s where our life was supposed to be, I don’t know him anymore. I miss what was suppose to be and never was. I want the part of me that still lives in that house to move out. I want the part of me that was invested in him to invest in me. We’re working on it, and most days, everything is superbly repressed. Today is not one of those days.

WEAK END

8/6/2010
Woke up 7:45 Pressed the snooze button too many times, off to a late start but feeling good.
7:50 Took the dogs out, Boomer refused to pee until he found just the right spot. He paced and paced and paced. Do you know how much that irritates me when I’m already running late? YOU CAN PEE ANYWHERE!!!! I always tell him, but I guess the choices must be overwhelming.
8:00 off to the shower, which by the way, takes a ridiculous amount of time to adjust to the temperature I set it at blindly with unmarked valves or whatever only to be blessed with only a slight mist of water after 10 minutes of fumbling, adjusting, burning and freezing. I suppose that will be a learning process. 8:10 make up and hair. A good half of my eyebrow pencil was ground into the sharpener due to the humidity (you didn’t think I was NATURALLY beautiful, did you?) No time for hair drying so headband and ponytail it is. My planned clothes to wear were wrinkled, no time to iron (who am I kidding, I can’t iron anyway) Obviously didn’t plan that outfit very well. Lesson learned, don’t acquire clothes that wrinkle. Wore my trusty back-up non wrinkle skirt instead. Which was a bad idea.
8:30 off to work trudging through traffic made up of drivers who are too dumb or tired to actually drive. Should not take me a half hour to get from Whitesboro to Utica, but it does. Stopped at many red lights on Genesee St where there are in fact no intersections whatsoever, but had a good drive and felt optimistic due to the blue skies, happy clouds and cool winds.
A few minutes before 9 I arrive at work and soon after realize that I am indeed suffering from Pre Menstrual Syndrom. Hormones are raging, phones are ringing, and the PMS demons are full forced combating my friendly helpful work-like nature. I am more than happy to make coffee, wash dishes, fetch supplies from the creepy basement, hell, I even have dug through the garbage. But 2 biggest work pet peeves at work are as follows. Caller, “Uhhhhhh someone called me from this number” Me “Did they leave a voicemail?” Caller, oh I haven’t checked” (this happens at least 7 times daily. Pet peeve number 2, and this is a huge one, calling someones extension, they call me back WHILE the phone is ringing to ask if I am calling them. I take a deep breathe, reply with a calm yes, and then laugh.
Just after 5 EMPTY gas tank, as empty as the grass is green. Gas station under construction, LONG line for gas getting. Went to the next one, pressed “pay inside key” waiting, waiting, waiting. Finally went in to prepay. Waited in huge line only to be greeted by the grumpiest troll of a human being I ever did see. Somewhere in between the first and second gas station the wind decided to pick up tremendously, making me wish I wasn’t wearing my trusty non wrinkle skirt. Here I am on the corner of French and Burrstone at rush hour, pumping gas, hanging on to my skirt for dear life, selling my soul to the wind for my humility. All the while hanging on to a giant purse, extra heavy due to mandatory camera and laundry quarters.
At this time my family decided to return my calls so I stopped at sister’s for some baby time. Mom gave me some clothes and sister gave me some grocery bags for dog poo clean up. ……that was the good part of the day.
Arrived home around 6 to 2 more personal belongings destroyed. Took dogs out again, its always as fun as I expect. (not fun) Drank my last beer and then went out for more and some nourishment. Got to the checkout counter….left my wallet at home.
So I drank away my troubles of the day and topped of my fabulous Friday kinda making an ass of myself on FB chat. Such as… “how did you get to such a desperate state that you would be fucking a girl like me?”
Yeah, so anyway, spent the rest of the weekend scrapblogging and watching Lost Season 1 and wishing that someone would clean up the garbage my dogs had strewn all over my bedroom, as well as the leather file box and decorative accessories they had chewn to bits all over the living room.