EVERY MOVE YOU MAKE, EVERY STEP YOU TAKE....

I have somewhat of a stalker in my building. Sunday as I was leaving there was an envelope at my door. Inside was a note. The note said ‘Call me sometime to see if we have common interests” or something like that, with a phone number. Now, I’ve noticed some decent looking young guys in the building so my mind automatically thought “ooh maybe its one of them” But on the other hand, there are also some pretty old, not so good looking dudes living here, one of them I’ve noticed taking extra care to be in the parking lot when Im in the parking lot, to open the door for me etc…..I thought he was just being nice.
So, I texted the number on the note “who are you” The response was “My name is Dennie, Ive noticed you since you moved in, whats your story and name?” At 1:36 pm. “Are you gonna answer or call?” at 1:50pm. Asked him if he had FB so I could see who he was. He replied “no” at 2:09 pm. “still with the family?” at 2:24pm “Call when you can” at 2:26pm. I asked him to send a picture. He said “tell me your name first” at 2:35 pm. Sent me a picture which we passed around the dinner table laughing at with the caption “did you guess?” at 2:39pm (I did not respond to him after the pic was sent) “how bout a picture of you?” at 2:40 I said “you already know what I look like” He said “in other words you don’t want to send me one” at 2:40pm. “You already know I am interested, what is the harm, unless you are not interested” at 2:50pm. “How bout a sexy one, I am not bashful” at 2:54pm. “R U?” at 3:12 pm A voice text was sent “Becky, are you mad at me? Im just trying to understand, you haven’t responded to my texts…” blah blah, I don’t want to relisten for the sake of writing it here because it creeps me out at3:19pm “HELLO?” at 4:18 pm. PHONE CALL at 4:35pm. In the meantime I had requested that my friend meet me at my apartment when I was to arrive home because creepy old man was scaring me a bit. He answered the call and pretended to be my boyfriend….hadnt heard from the guy since….until today.
As I was walking up the steps I heard a door shut from the direction of where I had seen him knocking earlier. I heard a man grunt "oh wow" and follow me up the steps, too close for comfort, but far enough away to see up my skirt, making disgusting noises as if I were just a walking pussy with legs and no ears. Hopefully, he was not utilizing a cell phone camera.I pretty much ran to my door, fumbled with my keys and slammed it behind me. Next time I will turn around and PUSH! I’m not even sure it was him behind me, I didn’t look. But I haven’t met any other psychos here so I can only assume.
I understand the guy is pathetic, lonely, bored and horned up. I feel sorry for him, but am not willing to help him out in any of those areas. He is clearly delusional to think that he would ever stand a chance with this hot piece of ass.

DREAMS

Had a dream last night that you gave me another chance, and we wanted to be together more than anything. You doubted me and I promised that I loved you more than anyone and that I would never make another mistake. You believed me.And then we were together again and everything was back to normal.
But that was just a dream, just a dream, just a dream…dream
My instinct to seek out someone to love is what kills me every time. I’m not good at using, must perfect the skill. Not good at this at all.
You believed me when I lied. You endured my worst. You always took care of me.
No, Im not regretting or feeling remorse, Im wondering what brought us together in the first place….its because you needed someone to take care of, and I thought I wanted someone to take care of me.
I wasn’t prepared for the loneliness and lack of “life” that would follow our marriage. We were supposed to create new life, but you miraculously didn’t want that after the wedding.
I miss being in love with you. I miss devoting my life to you. I miss kissing you. I keep such a high head about it all. Right now Im breaking down, it happens from time to time. No one can be strong all the time, and a rainy Sunday is a fine time for breaking down.
I was never living in my life, or our life, it was always your life. There was no “our” life. It was all just pretend, the way it always will be.
You were supposed to be the father of my children, you were supposed to be my forever.
Would you believe it if I said Im happy now? I love that my life is mine and doesn’t belong to anyone else.
I just miss you sometimes. You were one of my greatest loves…I miss our life together….sometimes.

RECALCULATING

The sense of smell may be the strongest one. Something about the reminiscent scent of another human being on my skin ….it makes everything more difficult.
I fight you. You wont penetrate my heart or my mind the way you do my body. Oh no sir. You are used for one thing and one thing only.
No cuddles, no naps, no walks in the park, no investing on my part.
No deep conversations or psychological dissections
No moody displays of rejection.
I try to disconnect the connection.
It’s all for pretend
I do have the distinction.

TIME HAS TOLD ME...

Walked in the bathroom, put lipgloss on for no reason. Looked in the mirror and danced at my reflection.
I wonder if Im getting better at this or if this is getting the better of me. Time wont tell me in time
I will tell time when its time.

THIS IS OUR LAST GOODBYE

Our faces so close together that our lips touch, but we are not kissing, just breathing each others breathe. It goes on for too long and its fantastically passionate . Touching each other, bringing heaven closer. Pulling it down from the sky into your bed and then sending me back up into it…you’re playing God.
I don’t know why I choose to see the good in you when most of that visit I spent looking at the back of your head while you were on your computer, not talking to me.
I want everything to be romanticized, therefore, it shall be.

KNOCK KNOCK

3 men in my apartment all morning and into the afternoon putting their long pipes into holes and setting them on fire. Hawt. Wish there was more to the story but they were just soldering shit for a new heating system, and they weren’t much to look at, but very nice to talk to.
Its getting quite obnoxious actually, being disturbed by random workers in and out of my apartment all the time.
Did not sleep last night. Went to sleep maybe 6 or 7 this morning? And 10 O’Clock: Knock Knock The anticipation of the sound of knocking is causing me great anxiety. Knocking leads to barking