THERAPY

Have I gotten over Dan? HA! Have I ever in over 10 years? No. Its always left abruptly without closure, without reason. I’m a storm chaser after the passion he provided me. Always wanted to BE with him, legit. I always was “the other woman” and he was SOOO good at making me believe otherwise. But, he was usually always the “other man”. So really, what am I complaining about?
Have I gotten over Kevin? Most certainly. I always try to put him in the best light because he basically “bought” me, and I always feel like I should be grateful for that. Fuck it. “We will still be friends”…HA…..right. We were friends right up until you had me out of your house and the divorce was final, just like mommy said it would be….FUCK YOU!. But of course you knew that maintaining a friendship with me would lead to maintaining other things. To NEVER talk to someone again with whom I shared so much of my life with, yes it hurts. Do I miss him? I don’t know him anymore. Do I wish to recreate the experiences we’ve had with someone new? Absolutely.
Do I love Mark as I tell him I do? I don’t know. He has already lived life, he’s already had children. He doesn’t have contact with them. The oldest is my age. He annoys me. But he makes me breakfast and walks my dogs. He tries. And he allows me to cry and talk about whatever crazy thing that bothers me. And he remembers. And he understands.
But he is quite incorrigible most of the time, and never wants to leave this god forsaken apartment building. I can’t make babies with him.
I want someone to DO things with. I am tired of going solo to everything. I’d rather sleep than go to another thing alone and I just can’t take it anymore.
There isn’t any hope.

THESE THINGS DO HAPPEN

All the time really. Boy meets girl, they are fond of each other and spend many months getting to know each other, being intimate, laughing and talking etc.
One day, not too much unlike many others, the boy and girl were laying in bed together and he was aroused….for absolutely no reason. Well, she wasn’t and she told him to take his time with the backrub and the ear kisses and he will surely get what he’s looking for. Goal achieved without too much effort. Well then, wouldn’t you know it, the boy had to go pee-pee. The girl said “hurry” and then waited, and waited and waited as her thoughts drifted from the almost painful desire in her nether-regions to recapping the workday and things she needs to do over the weekend. Needless to say, the desire waned. And so, she hoped for the best but expected the worst and let the activities begin, hoping it would be a quick one. His two day old stubble abrasively shredded the skin off her face with every push. His breathe, abundant with garlic, burned her face and nose. She turned away from him to avoid these things and she wanted this activity to end.
He sensed this and asked “Should I stop?” she said “No”. Because she knew from experience with others, stopping would make him angry, and then she would be alone.
She spent the rest of the time watching the shadows of a man on top of her, engaging in the most human activity yet appearing so inhuman. It wasn’t the caring , gentle, harmless man she knew that morning. It was the man she’s seen before throughout the years. Selfish, needing, animalistic. All different men, but they all look the same in the dark in that situation….ugly. She was regressing into a dark place in her past where sex was not enjoyed. It was a demeaning chore.
“Ouch” she said as the needles of his facial hair pressed against her skin for the last time and his arms crushed her elbows in such a way, that it JUST had to stop.
She rolled over near tears because she cries for things that are GOING to happen, and has just about cried them all. He got up and dressed and said “Take care” as he left.

CRABBY

Contrary to popular belief, I do not ENJOY being extra sensitive and irritable. I HAVE my period, I do not have PMS, so the cause of irritability, I have determined, can be contributed to me leg pain, which I have increased my tolerance for but apparently still really bites me in the ass from time to time. But sometimes, I can’t help but wonder if everything REALLY IS fucked up, and no legitimate reason is needed to explain the way I react to it. THAT would be perfect.
I’ve been told things pertaining to my photography like “wow, you notice the beauty in things we take for granted” That is true. It is also true that I notice ALLLL the little awful things as well….call it a gift.
Ride to work this morning…..obstacles. That’s all I can describe it as. From construction (which we all are suffering from now) to extra large trucks that need 5 minutes and 2 lanes to pull out, my back car door being open at Dunkin drive through, traffic traffic everywhere non-stop, hit every red light on the way. By the time I hit Burrstone, all I could do was laugh. Hell, at least there wasn’t a SNAKE in between me and my car in the parking lot like last week.
Mentioning my breakfast experience first hand would’ve made me sound like a mega high maintenance bitch, So I’ll mention it second. Mark made me breakfast this morning. I went over after I got ready for work as I do every morning. He had previously asked me if I wanted eggs and I said “Yes”. He said “I ruined the eggs, they are hard, do you want some?” I said “Not if they are ruined” (totally confused because I have specified that I like my eggs scrambled, and I wasn’t really sure how they would taste “hard”) I was asked again if I wanted eggs and I said ‘yes’ and more cooking continued, I went back to my apartment for something and honestly, there were too many questions involved, I lost my appetite. IF it is too complicated….I will simply go without. This is why I do NOT enjoy eating with or around people. Because they fucking annoy me. If you have had the pleasure of eating with me its because I was dangerously hungry. I don’t enjoy eating, I find it annoying that its necessary for my survival. I am not anorexic, I am 150 lbs, 5’4, size 12. NOT anorexic. I do not hate food. But for some reason, when there are 3 or more questions involved in obtaining the necessary food, I just can’t even be bothered, I’d rather not eat. Especially when THREE of the questions were exactly the same.
Anyway, I took a bite of my eggs “over hard”? SMOTHERED in Italian Seasoning? UN EDIBLE! This is how you make my eggs-Scrambled…a little salt, some cheese if you got it. Also on my plate was 2 UNDER toasted pieced of toast (I specifically held up a piece of toast to him one day and said “this is how I like my toast”) I mean really, the way it was, why bother putting it in the toaster. AND don’t forget the CHICKEN! Yes, chicken, toast and eggs. WTF? Who eats chicken for breakfast? Chicken for dinner would be FANTASTIC right now. I am dangerously hungry. I ate yogurt for breakfast (after my bite of egg) and cake for lunch (it was REALLY good cake)

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY

6 years ago I went on a date with a man I met on the internet whom I wasn’t particularly attracted to at first. I felt he talked about himself too much and I didn’t like his face. It wasn’t till he kissed me that I felt the surge of attraction….it was a really good kiss….I saw stars and felt sparks.
4 years ago today I married that man. It was a perfect day weather-wise, much like today was. I put a lot of work into pretty much solely planning every detail, hand making every centerpiece and favors, etc. Seating charts, playlists, invitations, registry, thank you cards. I spent a good part of a year of my life planning a wedding, as most brides do. It was so stressful at times that I just didn’t even WANT a wedding. I imagined it being a happy family craft time bonding experience. But I was only bonding with my glue gun. My sister was living with me at the time, but she was barely there and seemed uncomfortable about anything revolving my wedding, jealousy. She was my “Maid of Honor”.
Married. I spent my energies cleaning, decorating, grocery shopping and cooking (once in a while) I spent my energies refilling his coffee, making his toast in the morning, folding his underwear. I wanted to be a domestic goddess. I wanted to be a housewife.
I didn’t spend any time on myself, and that’s not his fault. I became no one. I was living in his life, in lieu of living mine. I never paid for a thing but groceries and my car insurance. I would’ve rather paid and felt equal. My self worth was diminished with the free livin. I felt owned.
Something snapped in me when I lost my job at Divine Bros. I just became a lazy, depressed, needy, unemployed alcoholic. I knew I was well qualified to do many jobs I applied to but don’t have any paper to prove it. I was unemployed for 2 years. I played games on the computer aaaalllll day when he was working, just to pass the time. I hated going to bed bc I knew I would have to wake up to another day of nothingness. And I hated waking up. I would will myself to go back to sleep. Sometimes until 3 o’clock in the afternoon. The more of this behavior I put forth, the more he found reasons to be away from me, understandable. But the more he was away from me, the more depressed I became.
I found the attention I desired from men whom I’ve known previously via email and Facebook. I started an affair with one from my past who’s passion has always been intoxicating. He told me he wanted to be with me, and always pushed the fact that I was still married. So I broke up with my husband, for a little liar boy who doesn’t even drive. He was with his “ex’ girlfriend the whole time he was with me, and quickly lost interest in our affair after I told my husband I wanted a divorce…..Real cute.
After the “break-up” talk with husband, we remained living together in the house, sleeping in the same bed. We watched movies and dined together and even had more sex than we had in the past year or two. With the pressure of marriage relieved from us, we talked more openly than ever and enjoyed each other’s company. Even the lawyer was confused that we still lived together, we drove together to do divorce things and joked & laughed in the waiting area.
I have loved my new life from the minute I emerged into it. I loved having to make things work. I can see clearly in my mind my first days spent here in my apt. So liberating. I have BECOME someone SO completely different. I have BECOME the person he was always wanting me to be. Self sufficient, social, active. Its tragic really.
I miss him. There were tons of good times. We knew each other well. Its all different now.

I miss your face.

Happy Anniversary.

Conversations Pt 2

“You live for me, and that’s not good”
“Really, I live for you?”
“Yeah, you just want to kiss me and make love to me all the time. Weekends are made for …..” (tangent, dry humor and rambling, never got to learn what weekends are actually for)”
“I don’t live for you. What did I do last night? I went out by myself, I made friends. I make friends wherever I go, I am very friendly, and cute.”
“You are cute, cute as a button…..” (Tangent about raincoat buttons) “This is how I am, I don’t like to be kissed all the time.”
“Well, this is how I am” (stratteled and aggressive)
“I’m old and tired”
(After microwaving a cup of coffee) “Wake up, make me dinner, we’ll take the dogs out, and then we’ll make love. Take your vitamins.”
Exit stage left.

Conversations

Post-coital conversation with significant other:
“So, you went out last night? Who did you go with, Joe?”
“No, I went by myself.”
“And you got stuck?”
“I was drunk and met a nice person who drove me home.”
“A man?”
“Yes”
“Did you take care of him?”
“NO!” (laughter)
“Did he take care of you?”
“NO! he just brought me home!”
“ I don’t like to play second fiddle to anyone.”
“Neither do I.” (sternly and calculated)

Post-coital conversation with man who brought me home last night:
“So, do you do phone numbers?”
“Are you asking me for my phone number?”
“Well are you the kinda girl that does that?”
“What, give out my phone number? (thinking) “No, you don’t really need my phone number for anything” (laughter)
“Do you have Facebook”
“Yes, I have Facebook. I am seeing someone, he lives right down the hall in fact, if you look out my peep hole, you will see his door. I was angry with him tonight, that’s why I went out.”
“Is he going to greet me with a baseball bat when I leave?”
“No.”
“Do you do this often?”
“Yes. The last one was a much better kisser than you, but you have a nicer cock.”
“I admire your honesty”
“You’re free to go anytime, be careful in the hall.”

I didn’t thank him for the ride home……that was mean.

Among The Rubble

Just found a piece of cardboard on the floor among canine created debris housing a phone number of a “house guest” I had a month ago. I was happy to find it because I do remember waking up in the morning, kinda looking around, but not to anxiously, for a note or something. He shouldve left SOMETHING. One month later, I randomly look down at the floor after exiting the bathroom and see his name peering up at me, his name which I did not care to know before having him in my bed.
The number was found in the same vicinity where my garbage can was pulled out from under the sink and strewn around the kitchen area. Did he think to leave his number and then decide not to? What made him decide not to? Was it the fact that he was writing it on a torn off piece of a Keystone box? Was it the fact that I asked him his name and said “nice meeting you” after we had sex? Was it the dog shit on the floor? The unmade bed? Was it the fact that I picked him out like a package of meat at Price Chopper? “That one looks like it will be delicious”. I didn’t make it difficult for him. Because I wasn’t FOR him, he was for me.
He had lost his cell phone in the bar and had me call it so he could retrieve it…….so, I had his phone # all along….and he also had mine. What would that conversation have consisted of? “Hi, I’m the girl you met last night, we had nice conversations, amazing kisses and mediocre sex, we should do it again sometime.”
This is not the droid you’re looking for.
But, he served his purpose. See, I used him to prove a point. I didn’t use him for pleasure (thank god, it would’ve been a complete fail) I was upset with my significant other. We are functionally dysfunctional. I was locked down in this building with him, kept a dirty little secret. My point was, there are much younger better looking men who would love to spend time with me in public. In fact, complete strangers who don’t mind kissing me in the middle of a crowded bar. I DID have to make that point TWICE but, I do believe it is now instilled.
A public Thank You to the men who have served ;)

STOP THE WANTING

These people with life growing in them, life growing around them. I have been denied that right by marrying the person I did and by being with the person I am with now.
I married to have a family. I picked the house out as if it were a JcPenney catalog at Christmas. It was meant to house at least one child. That’s why it wasn’t in Utica, because of the schools. I envisioned having a family. A FAMILY. It gives me chills. I envisioned kids getting off the bus and doing their homework on the dining room table, which never existed. I had nursery décor planned out in my mind. Branches and butterflies. It was “The Plan” to have children….until we got married, and then he changed his tune. He saw my dark side and got scared. Or maybe he was afraid that he was unable to create life. Or maybe both.
Everyday that goes by I forget more and more about that life that was supposed to be, but there remains a spore in my heart for the life that was and what was supposed to be.
I was never in love with you Kevin, I was in love with the life that we were supposed to have in my own mind. I appreciate everything that you had given me. I appreciate your half assed attempts in making it work when we would get in an ‘argument’ and you would take me somewhere just to enjoy the day together. I rarely enjoyed it.
Being friends hasn’t worked out either. Well played.
Present day, I am in love with a man who has already had life and family. The reasons why he doesn’t have his family around him now, I know a little about, but I need to learn more. His oldest daughter is my age. His youngest is a son, just turned 23. I do not know why he doesn’t try to see his children. Maybe he sees his children in my youth, and that’s why he loves me. There is no hope in having a future with this one. I miss having hope for the future.

LIFE IS HERE

If I had anything better to do with other than spending it with you, I would’ve considered you a waste of it. Instead, I consider you a hastily put together substitution for someone real. I have lost my tolerance for your quiet controlling ways, I have no desire to be trained into obedience through your hurtful words and cold, arrogant demeanor.
Forgive me for wanting someone who appreciates my affections, who can bare to go out in public with me, who appreciates the nice things I do for them. Someone who not only lets me speak, but listens to what I say. Someone who can compromise instead of you. One little thing doesn’t go your way and you shut everyone out. You have the balls to imply that I am immature. I have asked you “what do you want from me?” You have told me what you DON’T want from me. You DON’T want my affection, because you say it “cheapens” a relationship. I am sorry buddy but affection an important part of a relationship, in my opinion. Otherwise, why bother. Its my reward for running your errands and patiently putting up with your ridiculousness.
I want someone who doesn’t think that our president is a trained assassin with an alter ego, Prince William is the spawn of Satan, and the devil lives on the planet Pluto. Not to mention, aliens taking over the planet earth in 2012 aided by our own police forces, controlling the minds of all citizens still alive. A strong minded man who doesn’t fall into anything and everything they read on the internet, that would be nice. An endless sea of conspiracy theories you are but yet you are a regular patron of Mcdonalds & Walmart.
I get it. You have built a machine acting against anything good to punish yourself for your life’s mistakes. You need to feel punished so you can go to heaven. I don’t have that need. I am respectful and curious to all religions. I am envious for what organized religion does for some people. Community and love. That is a beautiful thing. I have love running through me for nature and for life. I have the drive and capability to help others less fortunate. I have absolute respect for every tree, every squirrel, every blade of grass. I “stop and smell the roses”. I have often times stopped in my tracks to look up at the sky and appreciate its beauty.
What have you done for your God lately? Listening to Christian music and shunning all people who care about you, locked up in your apartment, thinking about the man you used to be, stuck forever in the past, no drive to even have a decent conversation with someone. Always a clown because you feel so bad about yourself, it’s the only way you can interact with people is through humor, dry at best. I have NEVER had a conversation with you. Its always about you. And I have given up.
I am not fond of the way you are trying to make me feel. Subservient. You are an asshole. Your mission is moot. Your religion is the same as mine in some ways, we call it different things. You’re already in hell, you have nothing to worry about for the future. You’re in hell for not appreciating and respecting the beautiful things around you.
You bow to a man who has been dead for centuries, I bow to a planet alive with love & beauty. You shun people when they do you wrong, I embrace them and forgive. You complain about the body you were given and how it fails you. Eat the fruits of the earth, not the slop of a factory. You, my friend, are not a man of “God” at all. You are only a man of yourself. Too self absorbed to even see. Too insecure to let go of what you think you believe in. Your “God” is your security blanket, and I suppose that’s what he was intended for. Life is here. Breathe it.

TODAY AT WORK I.....

I can’t stop thinking about the man I encountered today, and not in the way that you would expect that I can’t stop thinking about a man.
An old man in a confused state came into the office today. I watched him proceed up the walk. He stopped half way, took his hat off and touched the top of his head in a way that seemed like he wanted to make sure it was still there. He walked very slowly in a meandering sort of way. I said “that guy looks lost”. I have to admit, I was hoping he would find his way, and that it wasn’t to the door of the office.
As he entered the building, I have to assume that he is a client of someone so I ask “How can I help you?” The first thing I notice are his eyes. A milky light blue color, no pupil, one skewed. I have scoured the internet for photos of eyes that resemble his and all I could find were ones of dogs with cataracts. He is bearded and moustached and grey. He was wearing bright blue. I don’t remember the type of garment it was whether it sweatshirt or jacket.
He spoke to me so many things incoherent as if he had his own language, like he hadn’t spoken to anyone in so long that he had forgotten how. The only thing I understood was “I need to talk to a priest”. That made a little sense because the building I work in used to be a rectory, at least 30 years ago? Must have been a long time since he has spoken with a priest. I told him kindly, “Honey, priests don’t live here anymore, this is a Real Estate office”. And directed him to the church across the way. He lingered at my desk with more offerings of jabber as I answered phone calls, not in an attempt to ignore him, but….that’s my job. Within those jabberings I comprehended “….someone to talk to”. I asked “are you okay?” and upon that, he left (very slowly), I opened the door for him. I was happy to see him go because all I could notice of our last moments together was the 3 inch drip of snot hanging from his nose, it was quite appalling.
I shouldve offered him a seat. I shouldve offered him my conversation. He was looking for someone to talk to. I shouldve offered him a tissue, or wiped his nose. What brings you to a place where you are seeking out a priest to talk to in all the wrong places? I should’ve at least walked him over to the church.
I am so ashamed of myself for treating this man with common courtesy when he clearly needed much more than that. I’m an asshole. All he needed was a conversation.
http://www.hopecenter.com/PetLibrary/Cataracts/tabid/163/Default.aspx

PUT ME BACK WHERE I BELONG

Somehow my mind thinks I’m meant to be spending my summer entertaining company out on the deck, overlooking the yard, attached to the house that I no longer live in and will never live in again.
I can feel the vinyl floor against my feet in the garage, I can see everything exactly how it was. I smell the cool breeze coming through the screen. I wait for the flowers and see the bees. Daffodils first, then tulips. Must be patient for the rhododendrons, peonies and lilies, the climax of the summer song.
I feel my feet in the pool and I fear the bees. I see Boomer wandering around in the yard and the neighbors cat perched on the fence staring at me through the window. I hear the neighbor’s country music blaring and I see her laying out on her deck collecting skin cancer.
I feel the driveway against my feet, I feel the porch and the grass. I pick the flowers and run from the bugs. Everything is coming back alive today at that house, I can feel it. Life is there now.
As for me, I can’t open the windows that I can barely see out of here. I need to let some life in. I almost want to break them, but they appear to already be broken, otherwise, they would open. I guess I can relate to the windows, anyway. I despise the feeling of this carpet against my feet. I hate the mess that is here in every sense of the word. I hate this mess that is me and that which I create.

A NOTE ON APATHY AND GIVING UP

I’m not sure what I want to feel. That’s probably a good place to be, to have no expectations from anyone = to have no disappointment. I fumble through one on one interactions with people I don’t know very well. I’ve lost the ability, if I ever had it, to dig into myself in order to divulge what I am feeling and/or thinking. I want there to be a story for you when you ask “what’s on your mind?”, but the words seem to fall off the page at moments like that. Its not that I am consciously holding anything back, its that I’m subconsciously making myself unavailable for interpretation.
I suppose, when I see the potential for emotional investment on my part, that’s what closes up my shop. Lately, I have laid myself out on everyone else’s table only to be dropped to the floor and devoured by dogs as discarded meal scraps. There isn’t much left to be nibbled on, I need time to replant, generate new produce to feed you. I need to know how hungry you are for it, if at all.
The fact that I had sex with someone whom, when asked “Do you like him?”, I say “I don’t know yet” …..its really sad. I’m actually disappointed in myself. That’s how I get to know people I guess. On the bright side, many things are accomplished with “sex at first meeting”. Such as,
A. You get to see if the goods are worth enduring any pursuing that may or may not follow.
B. “Well, we got that out of the way” First sex is never as good as second sex….save the second sex.
C. Affection & backrubs are delightful. Don’t EVER have sex with a guy you just met without getting a backrub….girl, have some respect for yourself!
D. Daylight- you gotta know if it all still looks good in the morning.

Anyway, that’s my justification for “giving the milk away”.

On a more specific note,

Analyzing the color of my eyes after we stared at the sky, watching clouds float by in a silence that should’ve been awkward . Remembering things that I have said and relating them to things that you have to say….”Like you said” has to be the sexiest thing I’ve ever heard out of a man’s mouth. Your voice, your smile, your touch…..its all good. It all makes me nervous and uncomfortable. Mummifies me. But, don't be sorry.

HOES BEFORE PROS

I have absolutely no fucking clue what I am doing with this, with you, with anyone. When did I learn to conceal my depression and anguish so well? And to obtain what? Hurt and anger combined provide such confusion that I have reached a state bordering calm. I am too confused to act, to think, to feel much at all but complete defeat.
ONE aspect of my life is a complete mess and it makes every little thing in between feel equally disastrous. I hold “love” in the highest regard. Don’t make me feel it when you don’t have the capacity to deal with the repercussions of your failure.
I need 3 things from a relationship and 3 things only.
1. Quality TWO way conversations….meaning I ALSO get to talk and feel I am being heard. If I feel I am not being heard….I will treat you the same as I treat my dogs when they don’t listen.
2. Honesty….you are lying to a pro, at least be good at your game. Spend the efforts on lying to me properly or just be honest. Because honestly, I am insulted by a sloppy liar. I deserve for you to spend the effort of putting thought into your lies. Make them elaborate…..utilize your creative writing skills.
3. Time…..working long hours is no excuse when you are spending your free time with some skank living in your apartment whom you think you can “save”. I AM more important because I have treated you far better than anyone you know. I ask nothing from you….but your fucking time. And you give it people who do nothing but fuck you over. We have had this conversation but you wouldn’t remember, because you only have the capacity to hear the things that YOU say.
If I’m using you for anything its affection and conversation. So fuck you.
Last night your arms completely encircled me and I could hear your breathe in my ear as you fell asleep that way, holding me. That was after you said you want to be with me and after we kissed and laughed and talked. After we planned on going out tonight.
Tonight is different. Tonight I have nothing from you but I get to witness your skank going into your apt like she belongs there. I don’t even get to have the “her or me” conversation with you, because you didn’t call. I know you’re not romantically involved with her, but you are. She is your life right now, not me. She consumes you, not me. No matter what you say…..that is the truth. How would you feel if I had a man who thought he was in love with me living in my apartment? What if the tables were turned in every regard? How would you feel? How would YOU feel to NOT hear from me but see a man walk into my apartment as if he belonged there? Have you ever considered how I felt about any of this? Have I been too understanding”? Because I don’t understand, let me make that clear.
The only way you will ever get another chance is to get her out of here.
The only thing I understand is the pain and confusion I feel in your absence.

PATIENCE IS A WASTE OF MY TIME

2-13-11
My patience has been worn down to a generic toilet paper thinness. Follow that which harms you. You do, and I do. Too late to see which door shuts after its been shut. And its almost too late for you to open it back up. I’m sick of the drama you assume belongs to you. I’m sick of you assuming no responsibility in it being yours.
Here’s my problem, plain and simple….I am always here for you, I run errands for you, I bring you things you want or need, I provide love, warmth and patience. I’ve put in my waiting time and I’m tired of waiting. Waiting makes me angry. It’s one of my flaws.
So, take someone insane about you and make her wait, make her promises you never come through with, completely disregard her existence periodically and treat her like a stranger in the hall as to not get the fucking neighbors talking. Disregard her and spend your time with people who have NEVER done ANYTHING but use you and fuck you over. “ I’m sorry I don’t have more time for you”, you said. I’m really sorry about that too. I’m sorry you can’t find time for me while you shoot the shit with douche bags and try to save people not worth saving, over and over.. every fucking day there’s a broken promise, there’s waiting, and there’s you wasting my patience on something not worth a damn.
I feel abandoned and abused, by everyone. Friends, family and you. I hate being told one thing when another thing happens. I hate that I would never talk to my family or friends unless I called them, or unless they needed something. I have never had a phone call from either of my sisters “just to chat”. Ever.
I am making my life, everyone’s bullshit aside. That doesn’t mean that I am not hurt by it all. I am very easily hurt but don’t easily show it, because life goes on. And on and on and on beyond the things humans do to each other, intentionally or not.
This is where I speak to people I have to wait for and to people who don’t listen. This is your punishment. This is where I get angry. This is where I hit and scream and cry, here in these words.

“If you need me call me”

“If you need me call me” The problem is that I DON’T “need” you. I have to pretend that I do in order to get your attention, and that isn’t working too well for me right now. I just “want” you. I want your company. I want to continue building on what we have been, and I want to feel like I’m not crazy for feeling so much for you. If I “needed” you, you would be here. But there’s a huge problem with people who “need” others.
I was there. I was that girl you’re trying to help. I had no respect for myself and I cried to my husband A LOT. And I cried for HELP. A LOT. He did everything he could to help me, he went above and beyond and probably cried about it himself sometimes. But I had enough intelligence to know that I couldn’t change as long as I had someone taking care of me. I used to wish that he would either die or divorce me so that I could take care of myself for once; I have never done that until now.....and now, I am happy.
“Now” meaning in general, not meaning “right now” Right now I’m wondering why you are spending your energies on two people who have done nothing but fuck you over. And completely disregarding a girl who has nothing but kindness and love for you. A girl who doesn’t “need” you for anything, rather “wants” you….gets nowhere fast, doesn’t she?

Be Sexy

Put a sexy outfit on because I felt like it. Took the dogs out and laughed at the “caution wet floor” signs in the hall, I couldn’t imagine anyone slipping and falling on a wet carpet.
Managed 3 sets of stairs and out the door to a few more in heels with 2 pit bulls dragging me every step of the fragile way, as I do everyday. Another tenant on my tail said “you’re dog peed on the stairs (inside the building). Its not a big deal, it will dry like the snow.” Just as I found his dog pee to snow equation quite poetic he said “Dem are sum purdy dogs, day bite?”
Dogs poo and pee, back in the building and I do notice that the stairs look clean for a change, except for the yellow puddles….oopsy. Now I understand the wet floor signs I previously laughed at but still might have to go photograph.
I’m a good tenant so I grab my papertowels and cleaning product to clean up after my dog. I only had to do that for a few seconds. One of the building workers whom I’ve gotten to know pretty well says “Hey Becky, I like you’re outfit, where you goin?” and continues to clean up my mess for me with a mop as I walk back up the stairs into my apt.
Moral of the story is: Put a sexy outfit on because you feel like it. The end.

Cheers

A surge of emptiness came over me, a queasy fretful feeling, I have been floating along in its waters, allowing them to thrash and bruise me for quite sometime.

Missing something that never existed is giving up. All that will ever remain in place of you is a frequent stabbing ache for what I wanted us to be.

My love’s waters, cubes in a cocktail, knocking against the glass of someone elses pleasure, fate of death being consumed, discarded or melted in neglect.

Impossible You

I don’t know how time passes for you but I imagine pretty quickly. I strongly feel that my patience and love have been overseen, you only acknowledge my frustration and short-temper which are not qualities embedded in my “day to day”, but brought on by other people’s lacking in relationships I have with them, whatever the relationship may consist of, be it lover, friend, or family member.
My side of the story is seldom seen through fogs of conceit and false superiority. Your supposed concern is, through my eyes, a cocky display of degradation. You’re walking over glass and complaining when it breaks without ever taking into consideration how long the weight of your confusion was bared, what strength it took to endure or what part you played in making it crack. Jumping. Standing. Making it wait…..

The Weather Blows You Here

I wish I could photograph sound, and hear a memory and trap the wind and feel its remorse.
I love nights like tonight when the earth gets mad at us, flailing us around like straggling leaves on trees trembling in embarrassment at their naked displays.
The cold season blows you my way. I thought you would be done with that pig by now, feeding you drugs to make you stay, controlling your every fucking move and monitoring your correspondence. Makes me feel foolish for ever allowing you to talk to her. I took you for a man strong enough to make his own decisions.
It frustrates me to look at your picture and reach out to touch nothing.

SO, THIS IS HOW WE COMMUNICATE

I am sorry I told you I would do something that I ended up not doing. I feel terrible about letting you down and I would love to say “I wish I could make it up to you” but I don’t really care to because of the way you have reacted. I work 8 hours a day and I am sometimes exhausted at the end of the day, like today. Love the job, love being exhausted by it BUT I cannot be expected to go from working 8 hours, completely exhausted, walking the dogs, and then lugging equipment around, setting up, taking pictures, editing…..I can’t do all this today. I am simply tired. Way too tired to deal with the emotional stresses you are causing me.
You know me well enough to know it was nothing I was remotely excited about doing in the first place. You shouldve been able to tell by the tone of my voice when you called me on Monday, it was utterly dead. It was all a very uncomfortable situation for me from the get go and I found it inappropriate of you to want me in your world. I should have told you ‘no’ then, and I don’t appreciate you acting like you were doing ME a favor.
You told people I was talented..great, I thank you for that. BUT there was no talent to be had tonight…….because, I will say it again, I am fucking tired. You put me on a pedestal that I could not step onto. I didn’t put myself there, you did. You expected too much from me without considering me as a human being or what my life consists of in the least.
I am more concerned with disappointing myself than anyone. I disappointed myself by letting you down tonight but I did not foresee a stellar photographic situation that would have been worth dragging my ass out into the dark night of exhaustion.
I love how you hung up on me and then texted me, and then called me and then hung up and you complain that you end up in my blog. Sometimes this voice is all I have.
I don’t want to “air your dirty laundry” or slander your name, which always goes unmentioned by the way…….its my dirty laundry. Its not about you here.
I have noted that you think in my blog I should mention that you are sexually satisfying and that I said I love you. Actually what you said was “tell people I make you cum” or something like that, but I found that a bit crude to say... so I left it out.

I'm Tired

Thought it was realistic to clean this apartment tonight at 9:45 until I opened the dishwasher and it was full of clean dishes. Fighting with my lack of cabinet space is one of my least favorite tasks here. Fighting the need to clean seems to be a popular past time. Every corner is littered with shreds of something the dogs have ripped up from empty beer boxes to photo albums they’ve pulled off of bookshelves. I’m tired. It’s not all the dogs’ fault, “Hurricane Becky” is also to blame. Make up in the bathroom sink, clothes and photo equipment strewn around the bedroom and living area, cans, papers, dishes, shoes….everything is in disarray, and I hate it but I don’t have the energy to clean it. I’m a little uninspired these days.
Im tired of being dragged around and tangled up by 2 dogs who do not appreciate the fact that I don’t particularly enjoy walking them twice a day in the freezing cold neither do I enjoy living in an apt building but I am here for them. I’m tired of coming home to the destruction. Every day something new is ruined, something I never even thought they’d get to or take interest in. I slip covered the couch to keep the cushion on, Busters favorite past time is taking cushions off of couches and eating them, I thought the cover would deter him. Every single day I come home and the cushion is on the floor, slip cover off the couch. I would say this is couch #4 they have ruined, and it wasn’t particularly nice to begin with, (gold velvety 70s couch that someone died on….a freebie) but it’s the only one we’re going to have for a while. I don’t understand how they haven’t eaten enough indigestible items to both be dead by now. I won’t say if I’m hoping for that or not.
I am sick of getting money orders to pay my rent and paying to cash my checks. I opened a bank account this past weekend but could not put money in the form of checks into it because they would’ve been “help up” for a few weeks due to the fact that my account is new. Soooooo, sat in the bank for over an hour with a very nice but seemingly very lonely woman who felt it necessary to explain the concept of a checking account and debit card to me, neither of which I can use until they arrive in however many weeks. I’d also like to add, she took a very special extra 10 minutes fumbling through brochures to show me the picture of the design SHE has on her checks, as if I would ever give a flying fuck.
I was so distracted on my trip to the store just now by the cashier vacuuming in lieu of waiting on me and her boyfriend’s eyes rolling back and forth in his head like a Mickey Mouse clock, that I totally forgot to get cigarettes. Bitch, I have worked at Nice N Easy, I’ve paaaaaaid my dues!!!!!!!!!!!! Customers first, vacuuming second, got it? I’m so fucking sick of BAAAAAADDDD customer service. Next time I go there I will wear my name tag. Yes I still have it from over 10 years ago. It says “Nice N Easy” right above “Becky” and theres a sticker on it that says “What a Guy”. A name tag like that demands respect!!!
I’m tired. I’m tired of having things to do that require me to do them during the hours that I work only, and no other time. I have a whole entire days worth of such tasks to be done, none of which can be achieved in a lunch break, not even one at a time each day and all of these things hang over my head and weigh on my mind.
I’m tired of being in between. I’m tired of being dicked around. I’m tired of being a product. I’m tired of expecting too much from myself and feeling like it’s never good enough, even when I achieve the ‘too much’ I expected.
Matthew Wilder is a hard cough drop to buy right now…..but I suck it relentlessly waiting for my symptoms to fade.

HEY JUPITER

Always looking our for that little girl I once was, getting her the satisfaction she’s always wanted…..she was a fool! I am not satisfied with her silly nostalgic whims.

She was totally retarded over this boy for no due reason other than he was great for kissing and she liked how he smelled.

I gave her what she wanted tonight. Her nostalgia…..that sucked.
…..but he’s still a great kisser and his smell is on me still.

She was the one with expectations, not me.

BUH BYE

You are one to judge me. WOW!!!! Judge me. I love it when you judge me baby it turns me on.

Your kids are number 1 to you and I respect that like I’ve always told you. But DON’T fucking start acting like you are the all knowing mighty God of relationships when you snidely ask me “how long were you married?” How long have you been rushing out of my bed in the morning to get your kids ready for school? And how many before me? How many of those 17 years have you been faithful to your wife?

I only wanted you for one thing you fool and your home was wrecked long before I came along.

You can pretend your normal life till the cows come home but you will never be normal. You're so fucked up in the head from your past, you don’t even know right from wrong, you're not foolin' anyone worth foolin'. You cant control yourself. All you know is fighting. Physically and mentally, that’s all you do is fight. And you pride yourself on it and yes I do have a problem with it.

Make believe between the trees
She is her and I am me.

What You Do To Me

You keep me waiting like you know I need but I hate it and its tedious like threading a needle with swollen finger tips.
Your life goes on without me and mine without you just fine…..doesn’t stop me from wanting them to collide.
Only together do we possess everything we need….
You set everything in me free.

By Request-Put That In Your Blog And Suck It!

My previous post struck a nerve.Allllll day he's been mentioning things about my personal life that I have left out of my blog and says "put that in your blog!" Well okay then.

I have been sleeping with a married man and father for months now. I met him through his friend who pushed my last button. The retaliation was a fantastic success.

This married man has since been telling me he loves me, which I never believed, and hope he never believed me when I said it back, it was only polite conversation. We sang and danced and laughed and played together. I used him for sex and affection.

I am in the process of divorce, I am not privy to the status of that situation because I did not pay the lawyer. I am merely waiting for paperwork to come in the mail so that I can change my name. My ex-husband lives in Texas, I do not talk to him, I live on my own, I take care of myself.....I am divorced.

What else did you want me to put in my blog? Oh yeah. This one I swore to secrecy so I'm really sorry, I can't help you, but I'll say what I can.

Last night I was called late to assist someone whom I love dearly with a situation that I will remain completely helpless and useless in but I do what I can. It was emotionally draining and I was up late, waaaay past my bedtime. I thank you Mr Married man for training me to function at work with very little sleep. That was helpful today. I know that makes me awful, suffering to assist another human being.

What else would you like to hear? I've got nothing to hide? "nobody reads that shit anyway" Oh, but they do, for you know every word.

It's not about anyone reading it.....its about me writing it. Right now my life is about me. It was never my intention for it to be any different.

A Waste Is A Waste Is A Warning Is A Waste

I gave you the warning that I was cranky. I graced you with the opportunity to not be around me during this time....and you persisted. INSTANT animosity from you when just last night you were telling me all the ways in which you love me. The smell of my hair, the sounds i make when you hold me, tucking me in when I fall asleep sick. You've always recognized who I am as long as I've known you, which isn't very long , remind yourself. I do appreciate that boundlessly.
Your mistake tonight is telling me that "My time is valuable" As if yours is the only time of anyone's that means anything, and I somehow wasted it by not using it. When I tell you my time is also valuable you tell me that you've seen me waste it.
Well sir, the only situation I can think of where you'd ever had the pleasure of seeing me waste my time is when I'm with you.

".....I sailed away to China in a little row boat to find ya, and you said you had to get your laundry clean....."

EVERY MOVE YOU MAKE, EVERY STEP YOU TAKE....

I have somewhat of a stalker in my building. Sunday as I was leaving there was an envelope at my door. Inside was a note. The note said ‘Call me sometime to see if we have common interests” or something like that, with a phone number. Now, I’ve noticed some decent looking young guys in the building so my mind automatically thought “ooh maybe its one of them” But on the other hand, there are also some pretty old, not so good looking dudes living here, one of them I’ve noticed taking extra care to be in the parking lot when Im in the parking lot, to open the door for me etc…..I thought he was just being nice.
So, I texted the number on the note “who are you” The response was “My name is Dennie, Ive noticed you since you moved in, whats your story and name?” At 1:36 pm. “Are you gonna answer or call?” at 1:50pm. Asked him if he had FB so I could see who he was. He replied “no” at 2:09 pm. “still with the family?” at 2:24pm “Call when you can” at 2:26pm. I asked him to send a picture. He said “tell me your name first” at 2:35 pm. Sent me a picture which we passed around the dinner table laughing at with the caption “did you guess?” at 2:39pm (I did not respond to him after the pic was sent) “how bout a picture of you?” at 2:40 I said “you already know what I look like” He said “in other words you don’t want to send me one” at 2:40pm. “You already know I am interested, what is the harm, unless you are not interested” at 2:50pm. “How bout a sexy one, I am not bashful” at 2:54pm. “R U?” at 3:12 pm A voice text was sent “Becky, are you mad at me? Im just trying to understand, you haven’t responded to my texts…” blah blah, I don’t want to relisten for the sake of writing it here because it creeps me out at3:19pm “HELLO?” at 4:18 pm. PHONE CALL at 4:35pm. In the meantime I had requested that my friend meet me at my apartment when I was to arrive home because creepy old man was scaring me a bit. He answered the call and pretended to be my boyfriend….hadnt heard from the guy since….until today.
As I was walking up the steps I heard a door shut from the direction of where I had seen him knocking earlier. I heard a man grunt "oh wow" and follow me up the steps, too close for comfort, but far enough away to see up my skirt, making disgusting noises as if I were just a walking pussy with legs and no ears. Hopefully, he was not utilizing a cell phone camera.I pretty much ran to my door, fumbled with my keys and slammed it behind me. Next time I will turn around and PUSH! I’m not even sure it was him behind me, I didn’t look. But I haven’t met any other psychos here so I can only assume.
I understand the guy is pathetic, lonely, bored and horned up. I feel sorry for him, but am not willing to help him out in any of those areas. He is clearly delusional to think that he would ever stand a chance with this hot piece of ass.

DREAMS

Had a dream last night that you gave me another chance, and we wanted to be together more than anything. You doubted me and I promised that I loved you more than anyone and that I would never make another mistake. You believed me.And then we were together again and everything was back to normal.
But that was just a dream, just a dream, just a dream…dream
My instinct to seek out someone to love is what kills me every time. I’m not good at using, must perfect the skill. Not good at this at all.
You believed me when I lied. You endured my worst. You always took care of me.
No, Im not regretting or feeling remorse, Im wondering what brought us together in the first place….its because you needed someone to take care of, and I thought I wanted someone to take care of me.
I wasn’t prepared for the loneliness and lack of “life” that would follow our marriage. We were supposed to create new life, but you miraculously didn’t want that after the wedding.
I miss being in love with you. I miss devoting my life to you. I miss kissing you. I keep such a high head about it all. Right now Im breaking down, it happens from time to time. No one can be strong all the time, and a rainy Sunday is a fine time for breaking down.
I was never living in my life, or our life, it was always your life. There was no “our” life. It was all just pretend, the way it always will be.
You were supposed to be the father of my children, you were supposed to be my forever.
Would you believe it if I said Im happy now? I love that my life is mine and doesn’t belong to anyone else.
I just miss you sometimes. You were one of my greatest loves…I miss our life together….sometimes.

RECALCULATING

The sense of smell may be the strongest one. Something about the reminiscent scent of another human being on my skin ….it makes everything more difficult.
I fight you. You wont penetrate my heart or my mind the way you do my body. Oh no sir. You are used for one thing and one thing only.
No cuddles, no naps, no walks in the park, no investing on my part.
No deep conversations or psychological dissections
No moody displays of rejection.
I try to disconnect the connection.
It’s all for pretend
I do have the distinction.

TIME HAS TOLD ME...

Walked in the bathroom, put lipgloss on for no reason. Looked in the mirror and danced at my reflection.
I wonder if Im getting better at this or if this is getting the better of me. Time wont tell me in time
I will tell time when its time.

THIS IS OUR LAST GOODBYE

Our faces so close together that our lips touch, but we are not kissing, just breathing each others breathe. It goes on for too long and its fantastically passionate . Touching each other, bringing heaven closer. Pulling it down from the sky into your bed and then sending me back up into it…you’re playing God.
I don’t know why I choose to see the good in you when most of that visit I spent looking at the back of your head while you were on your computer, not talking to me.
I want everything to be romanticized, therefore, it shall be.

KNOCK KNOCK

3 men in my apartment all morning and into the afternoon putting their long pipes into holes and setting them on fire. Hawt. Wish there was more to the story but they were just soldering shit for a new heating system, and they weren’t much to look at, but very nice to talk to.
Its getting quite obnoxious actually, being disturbed by random workers in and out of my apartment all the time.
Did not sleep last night. Went to sleep maybe 6 or 7 this morning? And 10 O’Clock: Knock Knock The anticipation of the sound of knocking is causing me great anxiety. Knocking leads to barking

PUSHED HARD ENOUGH TO FALL

I realized tonight how easy it is for me to fall into a situation where I care more than I am cared for. It was like I was still married, craving for someone to understand me and love me.
Throughout the divorce process I always referred to certain things as “the hard part” I would say “this is the hard part” or “that will be the hard part” But this is the hard part. Losing hope that I will ever find someone good enough for me. Fuck the bullshit about me sitting around moping that I’m not good enough for you. You’re not good enough for me. If you don’t care, then you don’t care, and I’m not gonna try to make you.
Yes, I do love you, and fuck you for that. It isn’t a choice I made, it’s nothing that I want, and yes, I will get over it.
I spent A LOT of time feeling like I wasn’t good enough for someone when I was married and I am certainly not going to do that again, for you or anyone. I had a weak day. Today was a total failure from the moment I didn’t wake up.
So, you see, you are only an asshole in my mind, because I love you, and I want you, and that’s my fault, I do apologize. I don’t know what it means I only know what it feels like.
“You’re fucking in love with me aren’t you?” You ask. You’re a conceited asshole and as much as I love you, I hate you the same. “Let me guess you hate me because I won’t date you” , you say. Yeah, that does have something to do with it. You can’t have everything and nothing at the same time.
When I first came to you back in Febuary I was an empty shell of a human, completely guarded and seeking to punish myself by having sex with men whom I didn’t particularly like, congratulations.
Since then you somehow got through my barriers, or gave me a reason to take them down. I can’t count how many times I’ve sworn you off but this has to be the last time.
I have things to do. I have someone to become. You can try to ride two horses with one ass but I’m not going to be one of them. I don’t have the emotional capacity for this heartache right now and this is me pretending that I have a choice.
You can say if I’m not thin enough or pretty enough for you to be in a relationship with me, I can handle that. Just give me a fucking reason. Because I don’t want to hate you anymore. And I don’t want to be in this purgatory with you anymore either.

Creep

Sneaky and stealthily I creep away and challenge myself to not wake you, because I don’t want to explain why I’m leaving, I am pleased to make it to the door without hearing your questions.
You make it this way, you make me guarded because you make me angry and you make me sad. Because you make me feel. And I know, it’s possible that just anyone could make me feel the same way, and I know you know this for yourself as well. But right now it’s you.
I appreciate that we are both n the same lonely boat and can take advantage of each other in the most minuscule or grandest of ways. And I appreciate your new found ways of trying to abide by unsaid rules that should have been said or unsaid a long time ago. When you said “I can’t wait to sleep next to you…. and disregard you the next day” you forgot to disregard me the next day…..
You never earned the right to fall asleep with me in your arms or to wake up next to me. Never earned the right for my words to be about you

LITTLE FISH, BIG FISH, SWIMMING IN THE WATER.......

I hate this night time, so lonely, and I need something to crave. The pool I fish from is shallow. I restrain myself from wanting for anyone within my reach, and I forbid myself from reaching further or finding another fishing hole.
Have not really applied myself in the quest for someone new, because I’m pretty sure it’s not a good idea at this time. This time is about me. I wanted it, I wanted it this way and I am enjoying my life the way it is. There is more to be made of me yet. The foolishness and mayhem needs to be avoided but sometimes brings me a warm body to sleep next to and the affection that I crave.
I would love to come over and punish myself with your company to get the petting and kissing I need. I know that it’s borrowed, and I know that it’s almost toxic from you. While Dan was toxic in an “agent orange” kind of way, you are only toxic in an “I'm allergic to nuts” kind of way, but just as people who are allergic to cats always attract cats…...you can figure out the rest, and such is life.
Despite my said allergies….off I go.

DO'S AND DON'TS AND MISSES

I miss the stupid things like China Wang & movie Sundays. I miss cooking for you on occasion and our dinners out (yeah, I’m hungry) I miss wishing that you would spend more time with me, because I don’t care about it anymore. I miss the comfort of knowing that I have someone in my life who knows me so well and who I know. I miss having the right to miss you, to touch you, to call you…..but I don’t miss you, not who you are now. I don’t know you. Perhaps I never did.
I don’t miss being devastated that I devoted my life to you unconditionally …and you made me feel awful for it, for loving you. I don’t miss waiting for you to come home and wondering why you seem to make special attempts everyday to be away from me. I don’t miss that while you were home…..you made an effort to ignore me. I don’t miss trying to kiss you and being pushed away. Don’t miss the very difficult task of accepting the fact that the man I loved and married suddenly doesn’t want to have children with me after we had planned on it. I made the personal decision after much thought, that you meant more to me than the unborn lives I would’ve birthed. I chose you. I accepted that I would never have children, because I was in love with you. Gave up the most basic of human rights…..to be with you. But, ou can only push someone away so much before they stop coming back. ……I don’t miss trying to muffle my crying every night so you would’t hear. I don’t miss you making me feel worthless and unwanted and good for nothing. I know you didn’t mean it, but you did. I don’t miss everything I’ve done to you to make you be so distant. I don’t miss feeling like everything has always been my fault…I still feel it.

With Two Cats In the Yard, Life Used To Be So Hard....

Why do I put myself through this? I consider it may be a necessary evil. Every day I am confronted with happy or unhappy, couples or non couples buying or selling a house. And everyday I drive by “my” house on my way “home” to my apartment.(I don’t drive by it on purpose, I can see it from the street I drive down to get “home”) I just looked at pictures I had taken of the house throughout the years. I was proud of the work I did there and still am, that’s why I was looking at the pictures. Part of me still lives there.
I miss being in love with him. Its not about the house, and it’s not about getting him back, but that’s where our life was supposed to be, I don’t know him anymore. I miss what was suppose to be and never was. I want the part of me that still lives in that house to move out. I want the part of me that was invested in him to invest in me. We’re working on it, and most days, everything is superbly repressed. Today is not one of those days.

WEAK END

8/6/2010
Woke up 7:45 Pressed the snooze button too many times, off to a late start but feeling good.
7:50 Took the dogs out, Boomer refused to pee until he found just the right spot. He paced and paced and paced. Do you know how much that irritates me when I’m already running late? YOU CAN PEE ANYWHERE!!!! I always tell him, but I guess the choices must be overwhelming.
8:00 off to the shower, which by the way, takes a ridiculous amount of time to adjust to the temperature I set it at blindly with unmarked valves or whatever only to be blessed with only a slight mist of water after 10 minutes of fumbling, adjusting, burning and freezing. I suppose that will be a learning process. 8:10 make up and hair. A good half of my eyebrow pencil was ground into the sharpener due to the humidity (you didn’t think I was NATURALLY beautiful, did you?) No time for hair drying so headband and ponytail it is. My planned clothes to wear were wrinkled, no time to iron (who am I kidding, I can’t iron anyway) Obviously didn’t plan that outfit very well. Lesson learned, don’t acquire clothes that wrinkle. Wore my trusty back-up non wrinkle skirt instead. Which was a bad idea.
8:30 off to work trudging through traffic made up of drivers who are too dumb or tired to actually drive. Should not take me a half hour to get from Whitesboro to Utica, but it does. Stopped at many red lights on Genesee St where there are in fact no intersections whatsoever, but had a good drive and felt optimistic due to the blue skies, happy clouds and cool winds.
A few minutes before 9 I arrive at work and soon after realize that I am indeed suffering from Pre Menstrual Syndrom. Hormones are raging, phones are ringing, and the PMS demons are full forced combating my friendly helpful work-like nature. I am more than happy to make coffee, wash dishes, fetch supplies from the creepy basement, hell, I even have dug through the garbage. But 2 biggest work pet peeves at work are as follows. Caller, “Uhhhhhh someone called me from this number” Me “Did they leave a voicemail?” Caller, oh I haven’t checked” (this happens at least 7 times daily. Pet peeve number 2, and this is a huge one, calling someones extension, they call me back WHILE the phone is ringing to ask if I am calling them. I take a deep breathe, reply with a calm yes, and then laugh.
Just after 5 EMPTY gas tank, as empty as the grass is green. Gas station under construction, LONG line for gas getting. Went to the next one, pressed “pay inside key” waiting, waiting, waiting. Finally went in to prepay. Waited in huge line only to be greeted by the grumpiest troll of a human being I ever did see. Somewhere in between the first and second gas station the wind decided to pick up tremendously, making me wish I wasn’t wearing my trusty non wrinkle skirt. Here I am on the corner of French and Burrstone at rush hour, pumping gas, hanging on to my skirt for dear life, selling my soul to the wind for my humility. All the while hanging on to a giant purse, extra heavy due to mandatory camera and laundry quarters.
At this time my family decided to return my calls so I stopped at sister’s for some baby time. Mom gave me some clothes and sister gave me some grocery bags for dog poo clean up. ……that was the good part of the day.
Arrived home around 6 to 2 more personal belongings destroyed. Took dogs out again, its always as fun as I expect. (not fun) Drank my last beer and then went out for more and some nourishment. Got to the checkout counter….left my wallet at home.
So I drank away my troubles of the day and topped of my fabulous Friday kinda making an ass of myself on FB chat. Such as… “how did you get to such a desperate state that you would be fucking a girl like me?”
Yeah, so anyway, spent the rest of the weekend scrapblogging and watching Lost Season 1 and wishing that someone would clean up the garbage my dogs had strewn all over my bedroom, as well as the leather file box and decorative accessories they had chewn to bits all over the living room.

KILL 'EM WITH KINDNESS

I feel things Im not ready to accept by putting them into writing. Involuntary emotions, nothing I ever chose. Over the years Ive learned to disregard the importance of my emotions to a certain extent. They usually jump the gun, travel through time to a place of wishful thinking where they always drag me. It’s a sunny place, but not suitable for living.

You said you are always nice to me and asked for an example of how you are not. You are cruel to me in your kindness. Petting of hair, touching of face, holding of hands….these are not actions that friends do, this is not something I expect from a ‘booty call’, although I do thoroughly enjoy it when you do these things.
Adreneline is higher and higher every time we kiss. Everyday, everything is more and more, and it all started from nothing. From less than nothing even, I was not interested in anyway shape or form in you, in fact here’s an excerpt from journal archives.

Feb 9 2010
Am I gonna get upset about this? Nope. Maybe a little. I kinda feel sick but maybe bc I haven’t eaten and the mouthwash is clashing tremendously with the taste of this cheap beer I’ve come to know and love..
I didn’t want to have sex with you, didn’t want to kiss you or hold your hands up behind your head. I didn’t want you touching my face and I didn’t want to touch yours. I didn’t want you trying to tickle me. I didn’t want you touching me in any way. I did not want you flirting with me.
It’s just nothing for me these days

Something has become. We can talk about the day to day, the hopes for the future, the embarrassing, the boring, the failures. We can laugh. ……We can sit in silence, we can sit in music, we can be bored together without it being boring.
Our bodies are learning each other as if theyre completely separate from us, without our consent, they are learning. I miss the taste of your mouth on mine moments after Ive left. I think about your kind touches and smiles all the live long day

“I’m so glad I will never have a relationship with you”, you say.

This is how you are not nice to me.

YOU AINT NEVER CAUGHT A RABBIT AND YOU AINT NO FRIEND OF MINE!!!!!!

My fabulous morning was balanced out by hitting every red light during my evening commute and coming home to 6 articles of clothing and my tripod on my bed, shredded. (tripod isn’t shredded, just the case) 6 is just the number that I counted on the bed, there was a shirt ruined in the dogs crate (that one mustve been special to them) and who knows what I’ll find on the floor. I have been keeping the bedroom door shut when I leave because I am not particularly fond of picking up my clothes, but today I mustve forgotten and I pay the price. My parents tried for years to train me to always pick up my clothes. Now, at the age of 30, I will be trained to do so by two shit for brains, ungrateful mongrels I call pets.
The total number of ruined clothes since I moved in here (less than a month ago) is probably exceeding 20 pieces at this time. I cannot look at these dogs right now and had a hard time even taking them out and feeding them because I am so beyond pissed. I live in this overpriced smurf carpeted vanilla hot box for THEM! On the bright side, I have less laundry to do. The down side, I hate my dogs, have nothing to wear and lots of messes of shredded fabric to clean up off my bed and other various places in my apt. Brightside/downside, Im undecided at this moment- eating fabric can cause fatal intestinal blockages. I know for a fact (Buster) that it’s $800 to get fabric removed from a dogs stomach. I also know for a fact that if I had an expendable $800, I would buy new clothes instead. The End.

(Busters post rope toy removal surgery scar 2006)

IF A PICTURE PAINTS A THOUSAND WORDS......

When I walk past the cameras at Best Buy my heart rate goes up much like the feeling of new love. Weak and dizzy, adrenaline rush sweaty palms kinda love.
The convenient thing about my true love is that it will never step on my crooked little heart. I don't have to struggle to decipher cryptic and conflicting messages in order to figure out what's expected of me.......my true love has a user's manual. (though also, quite cryptic)
It stays turned on until I turn it off and with an extra battery always on the charger, it's always juiced up and ready to perform. (we are still talking about my camera)
I can push it's buttons without retaliation. It does what I say without questioning or forgetting. It lets me have all control but will pick up the slack for me on days when I need it. It spends every cherished moment from the spectacular to the mundane seeing my world exactly how I see it.
It makes me a better person without asking me to change. This is it. This is true love.
(photo features my ex, Kodak z1012, that was not true love, but we had a good run)

WHAT I AM IS WHAT I AM AND WHAT YOU ARE, OH WHY?

My tears are not so much for you as they are for not understanding what anyone expects from me. I can't. What do I do wrong?
I love my job but it isnt my job bc Im technically a temp. Loved my house, it was never mine. Loved my husband, he was never around. Loved Dan, he was never mine.
Everything is always on loan with terms and conditions that I am never privileged enough to be aware of.
I'm not good enough for someone who isn't good enough for himself. I can accept that. You want something more from yourself and won't accept anything less then who you envision yourself to be, from anyone.
You don't know me and you don't ask. But again, sorry for your loss.
The cry fest was short lived, I bounce back like a beach ball on a trampoline.So I leave you with a kiss goodbye

THIS IS REBECCA, HOW MAY I HELP YOU?

All week at work I make appointments and answer questions pertaining to appointments such as “when, where, how” On the weekend, I don’t want to be answering questions or making appointments, or returning phone calls, or coordinating anything.
So, when it seems like Im blowing you off…..I am. But not because I don’t value your friendship, it’s because I’m your unreliable flaky friend who cancels plans and doesn’t return your call.
Note to you, miscellaneous friends, I do keep plans when made approx 5 minutes prior. I have ALWAYS been that way, can’t change me now.
Don’t take it personal, I don’t even keep plans with myself. I was going to clean, grocery shop and cook today but instead I did nothing. I suppose I still have time but I feel like crap from sleeping late and sitting around all day. I’m dreading walking the dogs, I wish I could have a break from them once in a while, but the show must go on!

WHAT HUSBAND?

Received my second to last installment of “be a good ex-wife” money and cashed my first check today and it looks like we’ll be able to live here another month with electricity and internet. Life is good.
No emotions in me whatsoever when he stopped by. That in itself makes me sad but I wasnt sad to see him, though I wasn't really excited either. Wasn't even excited to get money because I know I have to keep it for bills and rent. (booo)
Happy about divorcing someone who has no time for anyone but himself. Occasionally slightly distraught when memories of him being a different man, and me a different woman, and our life together are brought to my attention, mostly through photographs.I don't think that we will even be friends when its all said and done and I'm fine with that. I have said "his friendship is more important to me than 'screwing' him in the divorce (use the word screwing how ever you'd like) But it's not important for me at all to be friends with him.
My happiness level has gone way up since I moved out and anxiety levels way down. Not bashing him, he's a decent person, just not relationship material. We are now both completely different people than the people we married.

FAMINE OR FEAST

FAMINE
I am angry about my feelings catching up with me. Removing wedding pictures from frames, being ignored, moving out….none of that made me angry or sad.
Making a grocery list and planning out my nourishment for the week made me a little sad. I’m so used to thinking about someone else when I go shopping, it was a labor of love and a natural instinct as a woman and a gatherer.
I was also looking at recipes I had saved online and deleted a bunch that were meant for parties at the house or just something I thought he would like, in my attempt at being a domestic goddess.
First pay check should come tomorrow or Fri. And yes mom, I know I need to watch my money, but I also need to eat some quality foods. Weekends are for cooking and cleaning, there will be a hot meal on the table and there will be someone to share it with, even if it’s just Boomer & Buster.
I also need to start eating breakfast…and lunch….and dinner before 9
Ive been eating only once a day for quite a while, not for any reason except for lack of hunger or tolerance to hunger, not sure which. My body is used to it and its quite convenient to not be hungry all day, but I know its not healthy.
Havent eaten my one meal tonight because theres nothing to be had, hence the grocery list. I don’t have hunger pangs but I know my body craves nourishment, it will be an early night, and a long day tomorrow.

MY SHOE DONE FELL OFF GILBERT!

While yesterday was spectacular for no apparent reason, today was very much unspectacular for no apparent reason. Well, hangover being a possible cause, lack of things to wear and taking note of the need to dye the rapidly multiplying grey in my roots.
The last hour of the day was constant one thing after another, busy , busy, busy. Its not the busy that stresses me out, it’s that 5:00 = cigarette time and I was there after 5. At which time I notice, my shoe broke, rendering it useless. Had to sheepishly ask my new co-workers who barely know me for either their help, or for them to please not make fun of me when I walk to my car barefoot. I was saved, and finished up my work day with my shoe rubberbanded to my foot.
The trudge home through city traffic and construction with no air is wearing on me. There’s never any music on the radio, the pieces of hair too short for a pony tail blow in my face, (when the traffic allows me to drive fast enough) Today I was sans sunglasses and was loosing circulation in my foot due to rubberbands. I had extra shoes in my car because this has happened before, but I couldn’t find them. I really need to clean out my gypsy wagon…..
Moral of the story is, if your flip flops break, you will be stranded, rubberbands work great. And if you bought them at Old Navy, this shall too happen to you, so be prepared.
I’m off to clean this hell hole, the mess may be 1 reason why I feel so shitty today.

FOR YOU ARE RIDUCULOUS

I liked you enough yesterday to not say bad things about you but tonight I may have changed my mind.
Feels amazing to kiss you, lay next to you and hold you with the dusk light filtering through your bedroom blinds hitting your face in the most amazing way, I always want a picture of it.
Feels amazing to have you to talk to, even when you don’t answer my questions…ever. And you don’t always have much to say.
Feels amazing to find you would rather cut things off because we feel too much. We started this months ago (Feb?) with me not liking you in the least bit and it’s grown into a completely different situation.
I laid it all out there for you tonight and now I am fretting and holding my face, and I am nervous. I gave you the options “give me more of you or give me nothing” You chose nothing.
Feels amazing to be confused by you.

204

My neighbor is a young girl with a dog, sweet as pie. We have conversations in the hall and in the parking lot. We mostly talk about our dogs. Today we talked about the hammer and nail sounds coming from my apt late last night, but she doesnt mind. She says "oh, making it home?" or some shit. In fact I could probably set fire to her dog and she wouldn't mind.
Its the boys that get her riled. Friday night I heard a girl crying outside my window, "you're such a jerk, (sob sob sob)" and then shortly after I heard her apartment door shut. It was probably her but I'm sure there are plenty of girls living here who cry over boys, couldve been anyone. Glad I'm not one of those girls.

DEAD ANT, DEAD ANT....

I just killed THE biggest ant I have EVER seen in my life. Oh Em Gee, I sure am building up a bug tolerance in this place, but my heart rate is still way up from it. Here's a pic postmortem. Yucky!!!! Looks like it was time to sweep the bathroom floor anyway.

YOU OLD GLOOMY SIGHT

Don’t know why I do it but from time to time, because we have mutual friends, I come accross Kristins profile and I peep her pictures. When I look at her face (which makes me ill) I can’t help but remember Dan saying such terrible things about her such as, “I was never attracted to her”, “She is so mean to me” , “She is so lazy”, followed by details about how she is mean and lazy.
And I am reminded of these conversations by seeing a pic of the no eye-browed Family Guy lookin' lazy crazy bitch reunited with her little chicken nugget.

That chicken nugget broke my heart a million times harder than anyone else and that little chicken nugget was my driving force in breaking up with my husband.
Now I’m single, and they have each other. I’m perfectly happy, but you must be able to see how I would have a tiny little thorn in my side about this.
When I once referred to him as my greatest love, I now refer to him as my poison. He contacted me the day I changed my status to single. Maybe he was biding his time with her, maybe it was her contacting me from his e-mail, I will never know and don't care to.I simply told him "don't" But there's always gonna be a tinge and a fringe for the boy who made me dizzy when we kissed.

IF YOU SEE GENESEE JOE, TELL HIM I SAID…..

I am still sans computer speakers right now until Kevin comes to help me get them running. I guess they need updated drivers. I don’t know how the drivers ‘fell out’ of my computer when moving, but whatever. I’ve been forced to listen to the radio. The first day I was here I was impressed that 96.9 didn’t repeat a song all day. The second day I was disappointed to find, they play the same songs everyday!! Furthermore, they call themselves “classic rock” but have been hearing the NEW (so it’s not “classic”!!) Pearl Jam song everyday and frankly that song depresses the shit out of me.
“Did I say that I need you?
Oh, Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t now I’m a fool you see,..
No one know this more than me.
As I come clean.”
Also, I believe Collective Soul belongs on the “one hit wonder” station, not classic rock.

NEW LIFE FULL CIRCLE

Although it is a pain in the ass in some ways I am thoroughly enjoying my new life. Started new job today that came from the heavens just in the nick of time, still don’t know what I will be doing there or what my title is or my job description, but the people are friendly (not in an obnoxious way) and the office is nice. Cant wait for tomorrow to shed some light on my function there.
When I said “thoroughly enjoying” I may have used the wrong words. I am enjoying the idea of my independence and the fact that its all come together the way I thought it would despite others doubts. I have my darling dogs, I have a place to live (which is lookin pretty hot I must say) and I have a job that feels like a good match for me, even though I’m not quite sure what my job is lol. But other than that I’m pretty bored. Cant wait for internet on Wednesday, and for my computer speakers to be functional, that will entertain me sometimes. But I suppose I need to find some new people to hang out with. At the same time I feel guilty leaving the dogs here all day when Im at work and I don’t wanna leave them again once Im home. They’ve been so well behaved here, Im pretty sure it was Kevin causing them to misbehave (sorry Kev) Speaking to them in many full and unfull sentences confused them enough to the point of destruction….me too. XOXO.

COUSCOUS ANYONE?

COUSCOUS ANYONE?
My mom and her friend Nancy came over to rummage through the free stuff that was left by suicidal robber chick, amongst which were an abundance of Halloween pillows, a bag of Snapple caps, and a dirty sock. My mother’s friend, being the hoarder that she is took a bunch of bags without even looking through them, (she also took the Snapple caps after saying to me “who would keep this”?) After looking through her loot found a dominatrix outfit. Now, I’m not sure what Nancy considers a dominatrix outfit but this isn’t exactly a sweet old gramma type woman we’re talking about here, she’s raunchy. Within 5 minutes of being here she told Buster to stop sniffing her ‘couscous”. My dogs are not crotch sniffers, and I’ll be honest with you, in my period of deep depression, I’ve gone days without showering or changing my clothes and they were never interested in sniffing my dirty puss. So, who knows, maybe she really did have couscous in her nether region……it was their dinner time. Anyway, cookoo couscous Nancy is regifting the used sex suit to her very own daughter. Which is kinda like giving someone a used dildo. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me but, I think it would kill the mood knowing I was in someone elses sexual tethers…..that my MOM gave me??? Freaks.

PEOPLE ARE STRANGE……

The more I learn about the girl who used to live in this apartment, the more I hope her friends don’t coming looking for her. Saturday, the drunk downstairs was helping my mom and I move stuff and he said the fire dept had to come a few times to pry the door open because she was always trying to kill herself. (Obviously wasn’t trying that hard if the fire dept knew about it) Today, after my landlord cut her lock off of my storage bin and I was helping him move her shit out to the hall, he said she was involved in a robbery with some other dudes, and he knew of this because he found a newspaper clipping of it when cleaning out the apartment! Is it normal to keep newspaper clippings of crimes you committed? I thought only serial killers did that.

THE CALL OF BOOTY

The fact that I woke up so early and remained functional and productive throughout my sweat filled morning is amazing considering how I was rudely awakened at 4am by my obnoxiously upbeat ring tone. At the very reasonable hour of 10:12 pm I sent a gentle text message asking “are you awake?” Well, actually, it said ‘whats up ho, u sleepin?” I guess the ho was sleeping and somehow found it an acceptable revenge to call me back when I was sure to be sleeping. He was of course wasted, very lonely, and a little rude. Oddly enough, being on my own, an idependant woman has raised my self esteem just enough that being your “last resort” is no longer good enough for me. Niether is delivering myself to your doorstep when you need a blow job and hearing you talk about how you want a relationship with someone, and how you have a date, and sitting there while you text other chicks, talk to your ex on the phone and do whatever the fuck else it is you do while you ignore me after you’ve requested my presence in the first place. Nope, not good enough…..not even close.

SUNSHINE, ON MY SHOULDERS…..

So this is how its gonna be? I get up when the sun wants me too. While, ginormous windows are a desirable feature in any apartment, ginormous black out shades would also be lovely. I woke up at 7:30 am blinded and boiling with one large oaf of a dog sleeping on my legs and one happy go lucky eternal puppy licking my face. By 8:00 am I had already walked up and down the stairs 3 times.