Be Sexy

Put a sexy outfit on because I felt like it. Took the dogs out and laughed at the “caution wet floor” signs in the hall, I couldn’t imagine anyone slipping and falling on a wet carpet.
Managed 3 sets of stairs and out the door to a few more in heels with 2 pit bulls dragging me every step of the fragile way, as I do everyday. Another tenant on my tail said “you’re dog peed on the stairs (inside the building). Its not a big deal, it will dry like the snow.” Just as I found his dog pee to snow equation quite poetic he said “Dem are sum purdy dogs, day bite?”
Dogs poo and pee, back in the building and I do notice that the stairs look clean for a change, except for the yellow puddles….oopsy. Now I understand the wet floor signs I previously laughed at but still might have to go photograph.
I’m a good tenant so I grab my papertowels and cleaning product to clean up after my dog. I only had to do that for a few seconds. One of the building workers whom I’ve gotten to know pretty well says “Hey Becky, I like you’re outfit, where you goin?” and continues to clean up my mess for me with a mop as I walk back up the stairs into my apt.
Moral of the story is: Put a sexy outfit on because you feel like it. The end.

Cheers

A surge of emptiness came over me, a queasy fretful feeling, I have been floating along in its waters, allowing them to thrash and bruise me for quite sometime.

Missing something that never existed is giving up. All that will ever remain in place of you is a frequent stabbing ache for what I wanted us to be.

My love’s waters, cubes in a cocktail, knocking against the glass of someone elses pleasure, fate of death being consumed, discarded or melted in neglect.

Impossible You

I don’t know how time passes for you but I imagine pretty quickly. I strongly feel that my patience and love have been overseen, you only acknowledge my frustration and short-temper which are not qualities embedded in my “day to day”, but brought on by other people’s lacking in relationships I have with them, whatever the relationship may consist of, be it lover, friend, or family member.
My side of the story is seldom seen through fogs of conceit and false superiority. Your supposed concern is, through my eyes, a cocky display of degradation. You’re walking over glass and complaining when it breaks without ever taking into consideration how long the weight of your confusion was bared, what strength it took to endure or what part you played in making it crack. Jumping. Standing. Making it wait…..

The Weather Blows You Here

I wish I could photograph sound, and hear a memory and trap the wind and feel its remorse.
I love nights like tonight when the earth gets mad at us, flailing us around like straggling leaves on trees trembling in embarrassment at their naked displays.
The cold season blows you my way. I thought you would be done with that pig by now, feeding you drugs to make you stay, controlling your every fucking move and monitoring your correspondence. Makes me feel foolish for ever allowing you to talk to her. I took you for a man strong enough to make his own decisions.
It frustrates me to look at your picture and reach out to touch nothing.

SO, THIS IS HOW WE COMMUNICATE

I am sorry I told you I would do something that I ended up not doing. I feel terrible about letting you down and I would love to say “I wish I could make it up to you” but I don’t really care to because of the way you have reacted. I work 8 hours a day and I am sometimes exhausted at the end of the day, like today. Love the job, love being exhausted by it BUT I cannot be expected to go from working 8 hours, completely exhausted, walking the dogs, and then lugging equipment around, setting up, taking pictures, editing…..I can’t do all this today. I am simply tired. Way too tired to deal with the emotional stresses you are causing me.
You know me well enough to know it was nothing I was remotely excited about doing in the first place. You shouldve been able to tell by the tone of my voice when you called me on Monday, it was utterly dead. It was all a very uncomfortable situation for me from the get go and I found it inappropriate of you to want me in your world. I should have told you ‘no’ then, and I don’t appreciate you acting like you were doing ME a favor.
You told people I was talented..great, I thank you for that. BUT there was no talent to be had tonight…….because, I will say it again, I am fucking tired. You put me on a pedestal that I could not step onto. I didn’t put myself there, you did. You expected too much from me without considering me as a human being or what my life consists of in the least.
I am more concerned with disappointing myself than anyone. I disappointed myself by letting you down tonight but I did not foresee a stellar photographic situation that would have been worth dragging my ass out into the dark night of exhaustion.
I love how you hung up on me and then texted me, and then called me and then hung up and you complain that you end up in my blog. Sometimes this voice is all I have.
I don’t want to “air your dirty laundry” or slander your name, which always goes unmentioned by the way…….its my dirty laundry. Its not about you here.
I have noted that you think in my blog I should mention that you are sexually satisfying and that I said I love you. Actually what you said was “tell people I make you cum” or something like that, but I found that a bit crude to say... so I left it out.

I'm Tired

Thought it was realistic to clean this apartment tonight at 9:45 until I opened the dishwasher and it was full of clean dishes. Fighting with my lack of cabinet space is one of my least favorite tasks here. Fighting the need to clean seems to be a popular past time. Every corner is littered with shreds of something the dogs have ripped up from empty beer boxes to photo albums they’ve pulled off of bookshelves. I’m tired. It’s not all the dogs’ fault, “Hurricane Becky” is also to blame. Make up in the bathroom sink, clothes and photo equipment strewn around the bedroom and living area, cans, papers, dishes, shoes….everything is in disarray, and I hate it but I don’t have the energy to clean it. I’m a little uninspired these days.
Im tired of being dragged around and tangled up by 2 dogs who do not appreciate the fact that I don’t particularly enjoy walking them twice a day in the freezing cold neither do I enjoy living in an apt building but I am here for them. I’m tired of coming home to the destruction. Every day something new is ruined, something I never even thought they’d get to or take interest in. I slip covered the couch to keep the cushion on, Busters favorite past time is taking cushions off of couches and eating them, I thought the cover would deter him. Every single day I come home and the cushion is on the floor, slip cover off the couch. I would say this is couch #4 they have ruined, and it wasn’t particularly nice to begin with, (gold velvety 70s couch that someone died on….a freebie) but it’s the only one we’re going to have for a while. I don’t understand how they haven’t eaten enough indigestible items to both be dead by now. I won’t say if I’m hoping for that or not.
I am sick of getting money orders to pay my rent and paying to cash my checks. I opened a bank account this past weekend but could not put money in the form of checks into it because they would’ve been “help up” for a few weeks due to the fact that my account is new. Soooooo, sat in the bank for over an hour with a very nice but seemingly very lonely woman who felt it necessary to explain the concept of a checking account and debit card to me, neither of which I can use until they arrive in however many weeks. I’d also like to add, she took a very special extra 10 minutes fumbling through brochures to show me the picture of the design SHE has on her checks, as if I would ever give a flying fuck.
I was so distracted on my trip to the store just now by the cashier vacuuming in lieu of waiting on me and her boyfriend’s eyes rolling back and forth in his head like a Mickey Mouse clock, that I totally forgot to get cigarettes. Bitch, I have worked at Nice N Easy, I’ve paaaaaaid my dues!!!!!!!!!!!! Customers first, vacuuming second, got it? I’m so fucking sick of BAAAAAADDDD customer service. Next time I go there I will wear my name tag. Yes I still have it from over 10 years ago. It says “Nice N Easy” right above “Becky” and theres a sticker on it that says “What a Guy”. A name tag like that demands respect!!!
I’m tired. I’m tired of having things to do that require me to do them during the hours that I work only, and no other time. I have a whole entire days worth of such tasks to be done, none of which can be achieved in a lunch break, not even one at a time each day and all of these things hang over my head and weigh on my mind.
I’m tired of being in between. I’m tired of being dicked around. I’m tired of being a product. I’m tired of expecting too much from myself and feeling like it’s never good enough, even when I achieve the ‘too much’ I expected.
Matthew Wilder is a hard cough drop to buy right now…..but I suck it relentlessly waiting for my symptoms to fade.

HEY JUPITER

Always looking our for that little girl I once was, getting her the satisfaction she’s always wanted…..she was a fool! I am not satisfied with her silly nostalgic whims.

She was totally retarded over this boy for no due reason other than he was great for kissing and she liked how he smelled.

I gave her what she wanted tonight. Her nostalgia…..that sucked.
…..but he’s still a great kisser and his smell is on me still.

She was the one with expectations, not me.

BUH BYE

You are one to judge me. WOW!!!! Judge me. I love it when you judge me baby it turns me on.

Your kids are number 1 to you and I respect that like I’ve always told you. But DON’T fucking start acting like you are the all knowing mighty God of relationships when you snidely ask me “how long were you married?” How long have you been rushing out of my bed in the morning to get your kids ready for school? And how many before me? How many of those 17 years have you been faithful to your wife?

I only wanted you for one thing you fool and your home was wrecked long before I came along.

You can pretend your normal life till the cows come home but you will never be normal. You're so fucked up in the head from your past, you don’t even know right from wrong, you're not foolin' anyone worth foolin'. You cant control yourself. All you know is fighting. Physically and mentally, that’s all you do is fight. And you pride yourself on it and yes I do have a problem with it.

Make believe between the trees
She is her and I am me.

What You Do To Me

You keep me waiting like you know I need but I hate it and its tedious like threading a needle with swollen finger tips.
Your life goes on without me and mine without you just fine…..doesn’t stop me from wanting them to collide.
Only together do we possess everything we need….
You set everything in me free.

By Request-Put That In Your Blog And Suck It!

My previous post struck a nerve.Allllll day he's been mentioning things about my personal life that I have left out of my blog and says "put that in your blog!" Well okay then.

I have been sleeping with a married man and father for months now. I met him through his friend who pushed my last button. The retaliation was a fantastic success.

This married man has since been telling me he loves me, which I never believed, and hope he never believed me when I said it back, it was only polite conversation. We sang and danced and laughed and played together. I used him for sex and affection.

I am in the process of divorce, I am not privy to the status of that situation because I did not pay the lawyer. I am merely waiting for paperwork to come in the mail so that I can change my name. My ex-husband lives in Texas, I do not talk to him, I live on my own, I take care of myself.....I am divorced.

What else did you want me to put in my blog? Oh yeah. This one I swore to secrecy so I'm really sorry, I can't help you, but I'll say what I can.

Last night I was called late to assist someone whom I love dearly with a situation that I will remain completely helpless and useless in but I do what I can. It was emotionally draining and I was up late, waaaay past my bedtime. I thank you Mr Married man for training me to function at work with very little sleep. That was helpful today. I know that makes me awful, suffering to assist another human being.

What else would you like to hear? I've got nothing to hide? "nobody reads that shit anyway" Oh, but they do, for you know every word.

It's not about anyone reading it.....its about me writing it. Right now my life is about me. It was never my intention for it to be any different.

A Waste Is A Waste Is A Warning Is A Waste

I gave you the warning that I was cranky. I graced you with the opportunity to not be around me during this time....and you persisted. INSTANT animosity from you when just last night you were telling me all the ways in which you love me. The smell of my hair, the sounds i make when you hold me, tucking me in when I fall asleep sick. You've always recognized who I am as long as I've known you, which isn't very long , remind yourself. I do appreciate that boundlessly.
Your mistake tonight is telling me that "My time is valuable" As if yours is the only time of anyone's that means anything, and I somehow wasted it by not using it. When I tell you my time is also valuable you tell me that you've seen me waste it.
Well sir, the only situation I can think of where you'd ever had the pleasure of seeing me waste my time is when I'm with you.

".....I sailed away to China in a little row boat to find ya, and you said you had to get your laundry clean....."

EVERY MOVE YOU MAKE, EVERY STEP YOU TAKE....

I have somewhat of a stalker in my building. Sunday as I was leaving there was an envelope at my door. Inside was a note. The note said ‘Call me sometime to see if we have common interests” or something like that, with a phone number. Now, I’ve noticed some decent looking young guys in the building so my mind automatically thought “ooh maybe its one of them” But on the other hand, there are also some pretty old, not so good looking dudes living here, one of them I’ve noticed taking extra care to be in the parking lot when Im in the parking lot, to open the door for me etc…..I thought he was just being nice.
So, I texted the number on the note “who are you” The response was “My name is Dennie, Ive noticed you since you moved in, whats your story and name?” At 1:36 pm. “Are you gonna answer or call?” at 1:50pm. Asked him if he had FB so I could see who he was. He replied “no” at 2:09 pm. “still with the family?” at 2:24pm “Call when you can” at 2:26pm. I asked him to send a picture. He said “tell me your name first” at 2:35 pm. Sent me a picture which we passed around the dinner table laughing at with the caption “did you guess?” at 2:39pm (I did not respond to him after the pic was sent) “how bout a picture of you?” at 2:40 I said “you already know what I look like” He said “in other words you don’t want to send me one” at 2:40pm. “You already know I am interested, what is the harm, unless you are not interested” at 2:50pm. “How bout a sexy one, I am not bashful” at 2:54pm. “R U?” at 3:12 pm A voice text was sent “Becky, are you mad at me? Im just trying to understand, you haven’t responded to my texts…” blah blah, I don’t want to relisten for the sake of writing it here because it creeps me out at3:19pm “HELLO?” at 4:18 pm. PHONE CALL at 4:35pm. In the meantime I had requested that my friend meet me at my apartment when I was to arrive home because creepy old man was scaring me a bit. He answered the call and pretended to be my boyfriend….hadnt heard from the guy since….until today.
As I was walking up the steps I heard a door shut from the direction of where I had seen him knocking earlier. I heard a man grunt "oh wow" and follow me up the steps, too close for comfort, but far enough away to see up my skirt, making disgusting noises as if I were just a walking pussy with legs and no ears. Hopefully, he was not utilizing a cell phone camera.I pretty much ran to my door, fumbled with my keys and slammed it behind me. Next time I will turn around and PUSH! I’m not even sure it was him behind me, I didn’t look. But I haven’t met any other psychos here so I can only assume.
I understand the guy is pathetic, lonely, bored and horned up. I feel sorry for him, but am not willing to help him out in any of those areas. He is clearly delusional to think that he would ever stand a chance with this hot piece of ass.

DREAMS

Had a dream last night that you gave me another chance, and we wanted to be together more than anything. You doubted me and I promised that I loved you more than anyone and that I would never make another mistake. You believed me.And then we were together again and everything was back to normal.
But that was just a dream, just a dream, just a dream…dream
My instinct to seek out someone to love is what kills me every time. I’m not good at using, must perfect the skill. Not good at this at all.
You believed me when I lied. You endured my worst. You always took care of me.
No, Im not regretting or feeling remorse, Im wondering what brought us together in the first place….its because you needed someone to take care of, and I thought I wanted someone to take care of me.
I wasn’t prepared for the loneliness and lack of “life” that would follow our marriage. We were supposed to create new life, but you miraculously didn’t want that after the wedding.
I miss being in love with you. I miss devoting my life to you. I miss kissing you. I keep such a high head about it all. Right now Im breaking down, it happens from time to time. No one can be strong all the time, and a rainy Sunday is a fine time for breaking down.
I was never living in my life, or our life, it was always your life. There was no “our” life. It was all just pretend, the way it always will be.
You were supposed to be the father of my children, you were supposed to be my forever.
Would you believe it if I said Im happy now? I love that my life is mine and doesn’t belong to anyone else.
I just miss you sometimes. You were one of my greatest loves…I miss our life together….sometimes.

RECALCULATING

The sense of smell may be the strongest one. Something about the reminiscent scent of another human being on my skin ….it makes everything more difficult.
I fight you. You wont penetrate my heart or my mind the way you do my body. Oh no sir. You are used for one thing and one thing only.
No cuddles, no naps, no walks in the park, no investing on my part.
No deep conversations or psychological dissections
No moody displays of rejection.
I try to disconnect the connection.
It’s all for pretend
I do have the distinction.

TIME HAS TOLD ME...

Walked in the bathroom, put lipgloss on for no reason. Looked in the mirror and danced at my reflection.
I wonder if Im getting better at this or if this is getting the better of me. Time wont tell me in time
I will tell time when its time.

THIS IS OUR LAST GOODBYE

Our faces so close together that our lips touch, but we are not kissing, just breathing each others breathe. It goes on for too long and its fantastically passionate . Touching each other, bringing heaven closer. Pulling it down from the sky into your bed and then sending me back up into it…you’re playing God.
I don’t know why I choose to see the good in you when most of that visit I spent looking at the back of your head while you were on your computer, not talking to me.
I want everything to be romanticized, therefore, it shall be.

KNOCK KNOCK

3 men in my apartment all morning and into the afternoon putting their long pipes into holes and setting them on fire. Hawt. Wish there was more to the story but they were just soldering shit for a new heating system, and they weren’t much to look at, but very nice to talk to.
Its getting quite obnoxious actually, being disturbed by random workers in and out of my apartment all the time.
Did not sleep last night. Went to sleep maybe 6 or 7 this morning? And 10 O’Clock: Knock Knock The anticipation of the sound of knocking is causing me great anxiety. Knocking leads to barking

PUSHED HARD ENOUGH TO FALL

I realized tonight how easy it is for me to fall into a situation where I care more than I am cared for. It was like I was still married, craving for someone to understand me and love me.
Throughout the divorce process I always referred to certain things as “the hard part” I would say “this is the hard part” or “that will be the hard part” But this is the hard part. Losing hope that I will ever find someone good enough for me. Fuck the bullshit about me sitting around moping that I’m not good enough for you. You’re not good enough for me. If you don’t care, then you don’t care, and I’m not gonna try to make you.
Yes, I do love you, and fuck you for that. It isn’t a choice I made, it’s nothing that I want, and yes, I will get over it.
I spent A LOT of time feeling like I wasn’t good enough for someone when I was married and I am certainly not going to do that again, for you or anyone. I had a weak day. Today was a total failure from the moment I didn’t wake up.
So, you see, you are only an asshole in my mind, because I love you, and I want you, and that’s my fault, I do apologize. I don’t know what it means I only know what it feels like.
“You’re fucking in love with me aren’t you?” You ask. You’re a conceited asshole and as much as I love you, I hate you the same. “Let me guess you hate me because I won’t date you” , you say. Yeah, that does have something to do with it. You can’t have everything and nothing at the same time.
When I first came to you back in Febuary I was an empty shell of a human, completely guarded and seeking to punish myself by having sex with men whom I didn’t particularly like, congratulations.
Since then you somehow got through my barriers, or gave me a reason to take them down. I can’t count how many times I’ve sworn you off but this has to be the last time.
I have things to do. I have someone to become. You can try to ride two horses with one ass but I’m not going to be one of them. I don’t have the emotional capacity for this heartache right now and this is me pretending that I have a choice.
You can say if I’m not thin enough or pretty enough for you to be in a relationship with me, I can handle that. Just give me a fucking reason. Because I don’t want to hate you anymore. And I don’t want to be in this purgatory with you anymore either.

Creep

Sneaky and stealthily I creep away and challenge myself to not wake you, because I don’t want to explain why I’m leaving, I am pleased to make it to the door without hearing your questions.
You make it this way, you make me guarded because you make me angry and you make me sad. Because you make me feel. And I know, it’s possible that just anyone could make me feel the same way, and I know you know this for yourself as well. But right now it’s you.
I appreciate that we are both n the same lonely boat and can take advantage of each other in the most minuscule or grandest of ways. And I appreciate your new found ways of trying to abide by unsaid rules that should have been said or unsaid a long time ago. When you said “I can’t wait to sleep next to you…. and disregard you the next day” you forgot to disregard me the next day…..
You never earned the right to fall asleep with me in your arms or to wake up next to me. Never earned the right for my words to be about you

LITTLE FISH, BIG FISH, SWIMMING IN THE WATER.......

I hate this night time, so lonely, and I need something to crave. The pool I fish from is shallow. I restrain myself from wanting for anyone within my reach, and I forbid myself from reaching further or finding another fishing hole.
Have not really applied myself in the quest for someone new, because I’m pretty sure it’s not a good idea at this time. This time is about me. I wanted it, I wanted it this way and I am enjoying my life the way it is. There is more to be made of me yet. The foolishness and mayhem needs to be avoided but sometimes brings me a warm body to sleep next to and the affection that I crave.
I would love to come over and punish myself with your company to get the petting and kissing I need. I know that it’s borrowed, and I know that it’s almost toxic from you. While Dan was toxic in an “agent orange” kind of way, you are only toxic in an “I'm allergic to nuts” kind of way, but just as people who are allergic to cats always attract cats…...you can figure out the rest, and such is life.
Despite my said allergies….off I go.

DO'S AND DON'TS AND MISSES

I miss the stupid things like China Wang & movie Sundays. I miss cooking for you on occasion and our dinners out (yeah, I’m hungry) I miss wishing that you would spend more time with me, because I don’t care about it anymore. I miss the comfort of knowing that I have someone in my life who knows me so well and who I know. I miss having the right to miss you, to touch you, to call you…..but I don’t miss you, not who you are now. I don’t know you. Perhaps I never did.
I don’t miss being devastated that I devoted my life to you unconditionally …and you made me feel awful for it, for loving you. I don’t miss waiting for you to come home and wondering why you seem to make special attempts everyday to be away from me. I don’t miss that while you were home…..you made an effort to ignore me. I don’t miss trying to kiss you and being pushed away. Don’t miss the very difficult task of accepting the fact that the man I loved and married suddenly doesn’t want to have children with me after we had planned on it. I made the personal decision after much thought, that you meant more to me than the unborn lives I would’ve birthed. I chose you. I accepted that I would never have children, because I was in love with you. Gave up the most basic of human rights…..to be with you. But, ou can only push someone away so much before they stop coming back. ……I don’t miss trying to muffle my crying every night so you would’t hear. I don’t miss you making me feel worthless and unwanted and good for nothing. I know you didn’t mean it, but you did. I don’t miss everything I’ve done to you to make you be so distant. I don’t miss feeling like everything has always been my fault…I still feel it.

With Two Cats In the Yard, Life Used To Be So Hard....

Why do I put myself through this? I consider it may be a necessary evil. Every day I am confronted with happy or unhappy, couples or non couples buying or selling a house. And everyday I drive by “my” house on my way “home” to my apartment.(I don’t drive by it on purpose, I can see it from the street I drive down to get “home”) I just looked at pictures I had taken of the house throughout the years. I was proud of the work I did there and still am, that’s why I was looking at the pictures. Part of me still lives there.
I miss being in love with him. Its not about the house, and it’s not about getting him back, but that’s where our life was supposed to be, I don’t know him anymore. I miss what was suppose to be and never was. I want the part of me that still lives in that house to move out. I want the part of me that was invested in him to invest in me. We’re working on it, and most days, everything is superbly repressed. Today is not one of those days.

WEAK END

8/6/2010
Woke up 7:45 Pressed the snooze button too many times, off to a late start but feeling good.
7:50 Took the dogs out, Boomer refused to pee until he found just the right spot. He paced and paced and paced. Do you know how much that irritates me when I’m already running late? YOU CAN PEE ANYWHERE!!!! I always tell him, but I guess the choices must be overwhelming.
8:00 off to the shower, which by the way, takes a ridiculous amount of time to adjust to the temperature I set it at blindly with unmarked valves or whatever only to be blessed with only a slight mist of water after 10 minutes of fumbling, adjusting, burning and freezing. I suppose that will be a learning process. 8:10 make up and hair. A good half of my eyebrow pencil was ground into the sharpener due to the humidity (you didn’t think I was NATURALLY beautiful, did you?) No time for hair drying so headband and ponytail it is. My planned clothes to wear were wrinkled, no time to iron (who am I kidding, I can’t iron anyway) Obviously didn’t plan that outfit very well. Lesson learned, don’t acquire clothes that wrinkle. Wore my trusty back-up non wrinkle skirt instead. Which was a bad idea.
8:30 off to work trudging through traffic made up of drivers who are too dumb or tired to actually drive. Should not take me a half hour to get from Whitesboro to Utica, but it does. Stopped at many red lights on Genesee St where there are in fact no intersections whatsoever, but had a good drive and felt optimistic due to the blue skies, happy clouds and cool winds.
A few minutes before 9 I arrive at work and soon after realize that I am indeed suffering from Pre Menstrual Syndrom. Hormones are raging, phones are ringing, and the PMS demons are full forced combating my friendly helpful work-like nature. I am more than happy to make coffee, wash dishes, fetch supplies from the creepy basement, hell, I even have dug through the garbage. But 2 biggest work pet peeves at work are as follows. Caller, “Uhhhhhh someone called me from this number” Me “Did they leave a voicemail?” Caller, oh I haven’t checked” (this happens at least 7 times daily. Pet peeve number 2, and this is a huge one, calling someones extension, they call me back WHILE the phone is ringing to ask if I am calling them. I take a deep breathe, reply with a calm yes, and then laugh.
Just after 5 EMPTY gas tank, as empty as the grass is green. Gas station under construction, LONG line for gas getting. Went to the next one, pressed “pay inside key” waiting, waiting, waiting. Finally went in to prepay. Waited in huge line only to be greeted by the grumpiest troll of a human being I ever did see. Somewhere in between the first and second gas station the wind decided to pick up tremendously, making me wish I wasn’t wearing my trusty non wrinkle skirt. Here I am on the corner of French and Burrstone at rush hour, pumping gas, hanging on to my skirt for dear life, selling my soul to the wind for my humility. All the while hanging on to a giant purse, extra heavy due to mandatory camera and laundry quarters.
At this time my family decided to return my calls so I stopped at sister’s for some baby time. Mom gave me some clothes and sister gave me some grocery bags for dog poo clean up. ……that was the good part of the day.
Arrived home around 6 to 2 more personal belongings destroyed. Took dogs out again, its always as fun as I expect. (not fun) Drank my last beer and then went out for more and some nourishment. Got to the checkout counter….left my wallet at home.
So I drank away my troubles of the day and topped of my fabulous Friday kinda making an ass of myself on FB chat. Such as… “how did you get to such a desperate state that you would be fucking a girl like me?”
Yeah, so anyway, spent the rest of the weekend scrapblogging and watching Lost Season 1 and wishing that someone would clean up the garbage my dogs had strewn all over my bedroom, as well as the leather file box and decorative accessories they had chewn to bits all over the living room.

KILL 'EM WITH KINDNESS

I feel things Im not ready to accept by putting them into writing. Involuntary emotions, nothing I ever chose. Over the years Ive learned to disregard the importance of my emotions to a certain extent. They usually jump the gun, travel through time to a place of wishful thinking where they always drag me. It’s a sunny place, but not suitable for living.

You said you are always nice to me and asked for an example of how you are not. You are cruel to me in your kindness. Petting of hair, touching of face, holding of hands….these are not actions that friends do, this is not something I expect from a ‘booty call’, although I do thoroughly enjoy it when you do these things.
Adreneline is higher and higher every time we kiss. Everyday, everything is more and more, and it all started from nothing. From less than nothing even, I was not interested in anyway shape or form in you, in fact here’s an excerpt from journal archives.

Feb 9 2010
Am I gonna get upset about this? Nope. Maybe a little. I kinda feel sick but maybe bc I haven’t eaten and the mouthwash is clashing tremendously with the taste of this cheap beer I’ve come to know and love..
I didn’t want to have sex with you, didn’t want to kiss you or hold your hands up behind your head. I didn’t want you touching my face and I didn’t want to touch yours. I didn’t want you trying to tickle me. I didn’t want you touching me in any way. I did not want you flirting with me.
It’s just nothing for me these days

Something has become. We can talk about the day to day, the hopes for the future, the embarrassing, the boring, the failures. We can laugh. ……We can sit in silence, we can sit in music, we can be bored together without it being boring.
Our bodies are learning each other as if theyre completely separate from us, without our consent, they are learning. I miss the taste of your mouth on mine moments after Ive left. I think about your kind touches and smiles all the live long day

“I’m so glad I will never have a relationship with you”, you say.

This is how you are not nice to me.

YOU AINT NEVER CAUGHT A RABBIT AND YOU AINT NO FRIEND OF MINE!!!!!!

My fabulous morning was balanced out by hitting every red light during my evening commute and coming home to 6 articles of clothing and my tripod on my bed, shredded. (tripod isn’t shredded, just the case) 6 is just the number that I counted on the bed, there was a shirt ruined in the dogs crate (that one mustve been special to them) and who knows what I’ll find on the floor. I have been keeping the bedroom door shut when I leave because I am not particularly fond of picking up my clothes, but today I mustve forgotten and I pay the price. My parents tried for years to train me to always pick up my clothes. Now, at the age of 30, I will be trained to do so by two shit for brains, ungrateful mongrels I call pets.
The total number of ruined clothes since I moved in here (less than a month ago) is probably exceeding 20 pieces at this time. I cannot look at these dogs right now and had a hard time even taking them out and feeding them because I am so beyond pissed. I live in this overpriced smurf carpeted vanilla hot box for THEM! On the bright side, I have less laundry to do. The down side, I hate my dogs, have nothing to wear and lots of messes of shredded fabric to clean up off my bed and other various places in my apt. Brightside/downside, Im undecided at this moment- eating fabric can cause fatal intestinal blockages. I know for a fact (Buster) that it’s $800 to get fabric removed from a dogs stomach. I also know for a fact that if I had an expendable $800, I would buy new clothes instead. The End.

(Busters post rope toy removal surgery scar 2006)

IF A PICTURE PAINTS A THOUSAND WORDS......

When I walk past the cameras at Best Buy my heart rate goes up much like the feeling of new love. Weak and dizzy, adrenaline rush sweaty palms kinda love.
The convenient thing about my true love is that it will never step on my crooked little heart. I don't have to struggle to decipher cryptic and conflicting messages in order to figure out what's expected of me.......my true love has a user's manual. (though also, quite cryptic)
It stays turned on until I turn it off and with an extra battery always on the charger, it's always juiced up and ready to perform. (we are still talking about my camera)
I can push it's buttons without retaliation. It does what I say without questioning or forgetting. It lets me have all control but will pick up the slack for me on days when I need it. It spends every cherished moment from the spectacular to the mundane seeing my world exactly how I see it.
It makes me a better person without asking me to change. This is it. This is true love.
(photo features my ex, Kodak z1012, that was not true love, but we had a good run)

WHAT I AM IS WHAT I AM AND WHAT YOU ARE, OH WHY?

My tears are not so much for you as they are for not understanding what anyone expects from me. I can't. What do I do wrong?
I love my job but it isnt my job bc Im technically a temp. Loved my house, it was never mine. Loved my husband, he was never around. Loved Dan, he was never mine.
Everything is always on loan with terms and conditions that I am never privileged enough to be aware of.
I'm not good enough for someone who isn't good enough for himself. I can accept that. You want something more from yourself and won't accept anything less then who you envision yourself to be, from anyone.
You don't know me and you don't ask. But again, sorry for your loss.
The cry fest was short lived, I bounce back like a beach ball on a trampoline.So I leave you with a kiss goodbye

THIS IS REBECCA, HOW MAY I HELP YOU?

All week at work I make appointments and answer questions pertaining to appointments such as “when, where, how” On the weekend, I don’t want to be answering questions or making appointments, or returning phone calls, or coordinating anything.
So, when it seems like Im blowing you off…..I am. But not because I don’t value your friendship, it’s because I’m your unreliable flaky friend who cancels plans and doesn’t return your call.
Note to you, miscellaneous friends, I do keep plans when made approx 5 minutes prior. I have ALWAYS been that way, can’t change me now.
Don’t take it personal, I don’t even keep plans with myself. I was going to clean, grocery shop and cook today but instead I did nothing. I suppose I still have time but I feel like crap from sleeping late and sitting around all day. I’m dreading walking the dogs, I wish I could have a break from them once in a while, but the show must go on!

WHAT HUSBAND?

Received my second to last installment of “be a good ex-wife” money and cashed my first check today and it looks like we’ll be able to live here another month with electricity and internet. Life is good.
No emotions in me whatsoever when he stopped by. That in itself makes me sad but I wasnt sad to see him, though I wasn't really excited either. Wasn't even excited to get money because I know I have to keep it for bills and rent. (booo)
Happy about divorcing someone who has no time for anyone but himself. Occasionally slightly distraught when memories of him being a different man, and me a different woman, and our life together are brought to my attention, mostly through photographs.I don't think that we will even be friends when its all said and done and I'm fine with that. I have said "his friendship is more important to me than 'screwing' him in the divorce (use the word screwing how ever you'd like) But it's not important for me at all to be friends with him.
My happiness level has gone way up since I moved out and anxiety levels way down. Not bashing him, he's a decent person, just not relationship material. We are now both completely different people than the people we married.

FAMINE OR FEAST

FAMINE
I am angry about my feelings catching up with me. Removing wedding pictures from frames, being ignored, moving out….none of that made me angry or sad.
Making a grocery list and planning out my nourishment for the week made me a little sad. I’m so used to thinking about someone else when I go shopping, it was a labor of love and a natural instinct as a woman and a gatherer.
I was also looking at recipes I had saved online and deleted a bunch that were meant for parties at the house or just something I thought he would like, in my attempt at being a domestic goddess.
First pay check should come tomorrow or Fri. And yes mom, I know I need to watch my money, but I also need to eat some quality foods. Weekends are for cooking and cleaning, there will be a hot meal on the table and there will be someone to share it with, even if it’s just Boomer & Buster.
I also need to start eating breakfast…and lunch….and dinner before 9
Ive been eating only once a day for quite a while, not for any reason except for lack of hunger or tolerance to hunger, not sure which. My body is used to it and its quite convenient to not be hungry all day, but I know its not healthy.
Havent eaten my one meal tonight because theres nothing to be had, hence the grocery list. I don’t have hunger pangs but I know my body craves nourishment, it will be an early night, and a long day tomorrow.

MY SHOE DONE FELL OFF GILBERT!

While yesterday was spectacular for no apparent reason, today was very much unspectacular for no apparent reason. Well, hangover being a possible cause, lack of things to wear and taking note of the need to dye the rapidly multiplying grey in my roots.
The last hour of the day was constant one thing after another, busy , busy, busy. Its not the busy that stresses me out, it’s that 5:00 = cigarette time and I was there after 5. At which time I notice, my shoe broke, rendering it useless. Had to sheepishly ask my new co-workers who barely know me for either their help, or for them to please not make fun of me when I walk to my car barefoot. I was saved, and finished up my work day with my shoe rubberbanded to my foot.
The trudge home through city traffic and construction with no air is wearing on me. There’s never any music on the radio, the pieces of hair too short for a pony tail blow in my face, (when the traffic allows me to drive fast enough) Today I was sans sunglasses and was loosing circulation in my foot due to rubberbands. I had extra shoes in my car because this has happened before, but I couldn’t find them. I really need to clean out my gypsy wagon…..
Moral of the story is, if your flip flops break, you will be stranded, rubberbands work great. And if you bought them at Old Navy, this shall too happen to you, so be prepared.
I’m off to clean this hell hole, the mess may be 1 reason why I feel so shitty today.

FOR YOU ARE RIDUCULOUS

I liked you enough yesterday to not say bad things about you but tonight I may have changed my mind.
Feels amazing to kiss you, lay next to you and hold you with the dusk light filtering through your bedroom blinds hitting your face in the most amazing way, I always want a picture of it.
Feels amazing to have you to talk to, even when you don’t answer my questions…ever. And you don’t always have much to say.
Feels amazing to find you would rather cut things off because we feel too much. We started this months ago (Feb?) with me not liking you in the least bit and it’s grown into a completely different situation.
I laid it all out there for you tonight and now I am fretting and holding my face, and I am nervous. I gave you the options “give me more of you or give me nothing” You chose nothing.
Feels amazing to be confused by you.

204

My neighbor is a young girl with a dog, sweet as pie. We have conversations in the hall and in the parking lot. We mostly talk about our dogs. Today we talked about the hammer and nail sounds coming from my apt late last night, but she doesnt mind. She says "oh, making it home?" or some shit. In fact I could probably set fire to her dog and she wouldn't mind.
Its the boys that get her riled. Friday night I heard a girl crying outside my window, "you're such a jerk, (sob sob sob)" and then shortly after I heard her apartment door shut. It was probably her but I'm sure there are plenty of girls living here who cry over boys, couldve been anyone. Glad I'm not one of those girls.

DEAD ANT, DEAD ANT....

I just killed THE biggest ant I have EVER seen in my life. Oh Em Gee, I sure am building up a bug tolerance in this place, but my heart rate is still way up from it. Here's a pic postmortem. Yucky!!!! Looks like it was time to sweep the bathroom floor anyway.

YOU OLD GLOOMY SIGHT

Don’t know why I do it but from time to time, because we have mutual friends, I come accross Kristins profile and I peep her pictures. When I look at her face (which makes me ill) I can’t help but remember Dan saying such terrible things about her such as, “I was never attracted to her”, “She is so mean to me” , “She is so lazy”, followed by details about how she is mean and lazy.
And I am reminded of these conversations by seeing a pic of the no eye-browed Family Guy lookin' lazy crazy bitch reunited with her little chicken nugget.

That chicken nugget broke my heart a million times harder than anyone else and that little chicken nugget was my driving force in breaking up with my husband.
Now I’m single, and they have each other. I’m perfectly happy, but you must be able to see how I would have a tiny little thorn in my side about this.
When I once referred to him as my greatest love, I now refer to him as my poison. He contacted me the day I changed my status to single. Maybe he was biding his time with her, maybe it was her contacting me from his e-mail, I will never know and don't care to.I simply told him "don't" But there's always gonna be a tinge and a fringe for the boy who made me dizzy when we kissed.

IF YOU SEE GENESEE JOE, TELL HIM I SAID…..

I am still sans computer speakers right now until Kevin comes to help me get them running. I guess they need updated drivers. I don’t know how the drivers ‘fell out’ of my computer when moving, but whatever. I’ve been forced to listen to the radio. The first day I was here I was impressed that 96.9 didn’t repeat a song all day. The second day I was disappointed to find, they play the same songs everyday!! Furthermore, they call themselves “classic rock” but have been hearing the NEW (so it’s not “classic”!!) Pearl Jam song everyday and frankly that song depresses the shit out of me.
“Did I say that I need you?
Oh, Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t now I’m a fool you see,..
No one know this more than me.
As I come clean.”
Also, I believe Collective Soul belongs on the “one hit wonder” station, not classic rock.

NEW LIFE FULL CIRCLE

Although it is a pain in the ass in some ways I am thoroughly enjoying my new life. Started new job today that came from the heavens just in the nick of time, still don’t know what I will be doing there or what my title is or my job description, but the people are friendly (not in an obnoxious way) and the office is nice. Cant wait for tomorrow to shed some light on my function there.
When I said “thoroughly enjoying” I may have used the wrong words. I am enjoying the idea of my independence and the fact that its all come together the way I thought it would despite others doubts. I have my darling dogs, I have a place to live (which is lookin pretty hot I must say) and I have a job that feels like a good match for me, even though I’m not quite sure what my job is lol. But other than that I’m pretty bored. Cant wait for internet on Wednesday, and for my computer speakers to be functional, that will entertain me sometimes. But I suppose I need to find some new people to hang out with. At the same time I feel guilty leaving the dogs here all day when Im at work and I don’t wanna leave them again once Im home. They’ve been so well behaved here, Im pretty sure it was Kevin causing them to misbehave (sorry Kev) Speaking to them in many full and unfull sentences confused them enough to the point of destruction….me too. XOXO.

COUSCOUS ANYONE?

COUSCOUS ANYONE?
My mom and her friend Nancy came over to rummage through the free stuff that was left by suicidal robber chick, amongst which were an abundance of Halloween pillows, a bag of Snapple caps, and a dirty sock. My mother’s friend, being the hoarder that she is took a bunch of bags without even looking through them, (she also took the Snapple caps after saying to me “who would keep this”?) After looking through her loot found a dominatrix outfit. Now, I’m not sure what Nancy considers a dominatrix outfit but this isn’t exactly a sweet old gramma type woman we’re talking about here, she’s raunchy. Within 5 minutes of being here she told Buster to stop sniffing her ‘couscous”. My dogs are not crotch sniffers, and I’ll be honest with you, in my period of deep depression, I’ve gone days without showering or changing my clothes and they were never interested in sniffing my dirty puss. So, who knows, maybe she really did have couscous in her nether region……it was their dinner time. Anyway, cookoo couscous Nancy is regifting the used sex suit to her very own daughter. Which is kinda like giving someone a used dildo. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me but, I think it would kill the mood knowing I was in someone elses sexual tethers…..that my MOM gave me??? Freaks.

PEOPLE ARE STRANGE……

The more I learn about the girl who used to live in this apartment, the more I hope her friends don’t coming looking for her. Saturday, the drunk downstairs was helping my mom and I move stuff and he said the fire dept had to come a few times to pry the door open because she was always trying to kill herself. (Obviously wasn’t trying that hard if the fire dept knew about it) Today, after my landlord cut her lock off of my storage bin and I was helping him move her shit out to the hall, he said she was involved in a robbery with some other dudes, and he knew of this because he found a newspaper clipping of it when cleaning out the apartment! Is it normal to keep newspaper clippings of crimes you committed? I thought only serial killers did that.

THE CALL OF BOOTY

The fact that I woke up so early and remained functional and productive throughout my sweat filled morning is amazing considering how I was rudely awakened at 4am by my obnoxiously upbeat ring tone. At the very reasonable hour of 10:12 pm I sent a gentle text message asking “are you awake?” Well, actually, it said ‘whats up ho, u sleepin?” I guess the ho was sleeping and somehow found it an acceptable revenge to call me back when I was sure to be sleeping. He was of course wasted, very lonely, and a little rude. Oddly enough, being on my own, an idependant woman has raised my self esteem just enough that being your “last resort” is no longer good enough for me. Niether is delivering myself to your doorstep when you need a blow job and hearing you talk about how you want a relationship with someone, and how you have a date, and sitting there while you text other chicks, talk to your ex on the phone and do whatever the fuck else it is you do while you ignore me after you’ve requested my presence in the first place. Nope, not good enough…..not even close.

SUNSHINE, ON MY SHOULDERS…..

So this is how its gonna be? I get up when the sun wants me too. While, ginormous windows are a desirable feature in any apartment, ginormous black out shades would also be lovely. I woke up at 7:30 am blinded and boiling with one large oaf of a dog sleeping on my legs and one happy go lucky eternal puppy licking my face. By 8:00 am I had already walked up and down the stairs 3 times.

PUT SOME SUGAR IN YOUR BITTER

Spent some time taking wedding pictures out of frames. Not because I hate him or regret getting married, but because it would be totally psychotic for a divorced woman to hang her wedding pictures in her new bachelorette pad. I had no negative or positive emotions while doing this, it was just a task that created another task….finding new pics to put in the frames! While I was doing this though, for some reason I thought of my mother and how I know she would find it a sad thing. (you know who you are mom) It’s not a sad thing, it’s a moving on thing. And somehow I’ve found it easy to move on, even when he comes over and throws me off my bed accidentally in the middle of ….ahem. I’ve also spent PLENTY of time sitting around being sad about losing my house and my husband, but……it was never MY house to begin with, it was never MY life. Sure, I made it that way to a certain extent, its not like he kept me a slave (he did used to joke about taking my shoes away so I couldn’t leave) He’s done so much with his time, he worked really hard to get where he is, and has always taken care of me from day one. I could have also, but I didn’t. That was a bad choice I made with my time. I have made the excuse/statement that I devoted my life to him, I cared more about him than I do myself, blah blah, He didn’t want that…..niether did I.

FEELIN HOT HOT HOT

First day in new apt, second night-
Developing new routine for dog feeding and walking, must remember keys to building when I do this! It was an almost tragedy, but Buster and I realized we forgot the keys before we got out the door so in lieu of getting locked out, we just had to walk up the damn stairs again. I don’t have a count of how many stairs I walk up and down everyday, but I do know that my ass gets hotter with everyone.
It’s dang hot up in this bitch! Found myself sitting on the kitchen (and I use that term loosely) floor with an ice cube in each hand for the dogs to eat. (they like licking ice cubes but will only do so if mommy holds them) Later that day realized Boomer has been camping out on the “kitchen” floor so I laid down next to him, he’s right, it’s much cooler, I almost fell asleep but not before taking his picture.

Also, on the hot note, thank you sister for bringing me screens for my windows. Y’all know Im a bug-a-phobe, but last night it was so hot I chose fans in the windows over being bug free. Killed a mosquito in my “kitchen”, but not before it bit me. There was a bee spotted in here earlier but I haven’t seen him. I’m sure he will show up at the most inopportune moment. (shower maybe?)

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST

Later, I had a special visitor who came bearing gifts of the alcohol and nicotine variety. (Who can resist a man at the door with a 30pk of beer and a pack of smokes?) To add INJURY to insult, when changing positions he over estimated the size of the bed. On the way down my back met the corner of the nightstand. Couldn’t help but ROFL, because I was on the floor so why not roll around and laugh? Anyway, it was funny then, now it just hurts. My mom says it looks like someone bit me. She knows me too well.

BAD DOG MOMMY

First night in new apt-. Got the bed and all essential items moved in and then sat here dreading having the dogs here. Then sat here missing them, so I went to get them. I put Boomer in the cage (bc he’s naughty in the car) and let Buster jump in having free reign. Got to the corner, looked in the rearview mirror and realized (the same time as Buster) that I had failed to CLOSE the back of my car (Forester) Simultaneously at that moment of realization I parked in the street and Buster jumped out the back. I ran to the back of the vehicle and he was GONE
Apparently he was just playing Chinese fire drill because he appeared a few seconds later and jumped back in the car. (Whos a good boy?) Sadly enough, that was the second time that day I attempted to drive away with the back of my car open, but only the first with live cargo.