A NOTE ON APATHY AND GIVING UP

I’m not sure what I want to feel. That’s probably a good place to be, to have no expectations from anyone = to have no disappointment. I fumble through one on one interactions with people I don’t know very well. I’ve lost the ability, if I ever had it, to dig into myself in order to divulge what I am feeling and/or thinking. I want there to be a story for you when you ask “what’s on your mind?”, but the words seem to fall off the page at moments like that. Its not that I am consciously holding anything back, its that I’m subconsciously making myself unavailable for interpretation.
I suppose, when I see the potential for emotional investment on my part, that’s what closes up my shop. Lately, I have laid myself out on everyone else’s table only to be dropped to the floor and devoured by dogs as discarded meal scraps. There isn’t much left to be nibbled on, I need time to replant, generate new produce to feed you. I need to know how hungry you are for it, if at all.
The fact that I had sex with someone whom, when asked “Do you like him?”, I say “I don’t know yet” …..its really sad. I’m actually disappointed in myself. That’s how I get to know people I guess. On the bright side, many things are accomplished with “sex at first meeting”. Such as,
A. You get to see if the goods are worth enduring any pursuing that may or may not follow.
B. “Well, we got that out of the way” First sex is never as good as second sex….save the second sex.
C. Affection & backrubs are delightful. Don’t EVER have sex with a guy you just met without getting a backrub….girl, have some respect for yourself!
D. Daylight- you gotta know if it all still looks good in the morning.

Anyway, that’s my justification for “giving the milk away”.

On a more specific note,

Analyzing the color of my eyes after we stared at the sky, watching clouds float by in a silence that should’ve been awkward . Remembering things that I have said and relating them to things that you have to say….”Like you said” has to be the sexiest thing I’ve ever heard out of a man’s mouth. Your voice, your smile, your touch…..its all good. It all makes me nervous and uncomfortable. Mummifies me. But, don't be sorry.