4 years ago today I married that man. It was a perfect day weather-wise, much like today was. I put a lot of work into pretty much solely planning every detail, hand making every centerpiece and favors, etc. Seating charts, playlists, invitations, registry, thank you cards. I spent a good part of a year of my life planning a wedding, as most brides do. It was so stressful at times that I just didn’t even WANT a wedding. I imagined it being a happy family craft time bonding experience. But I was only bonding with my glue gun. My sister was living with me at the time, but she was barely there and seemed uncomfortable about anything revolving my wedding, jealousy. She was my “Maid of Honor”.
Married. I spent my energies cleaning, decorating, grocery shopping and cooking (once in a while) I spent my energies refilling his coffee, making his toast in the morning, folding his underwear. I wanted to be a domestic goddess. I wanted to be a housewife.
I didn’t spend any time on myself, and that’s not his fault. I became no one. I was living in his life, in lieu of living mine. I never paid for a thing but groceries and my car insurance. I would’ve rather paid and felt equal. My self worth was diminished with the free livin. I felt owned.
Something snapped in me when I lost my job at Divine Bros. I just became a lazy, depressed, needy, unemployed alcoholic. I knew I was well qualified to do many jobs I applied to but don’t have any paper to prove it. I was unemployed for 2 years. I played games on the computer aaaalllll day when he was working, just to pass the time. I hated going to bed bc I knew I would have to wake up to another day of nothingness. And I hated waking up. I would will myself to go back to sleep. Sometimes until 3 o’clock in the afternoon. The more of this behavior I put forth, the more he found reasons to be away from me, understandable. But the more he was away from me, the more depressed I became.
I found the attention I desired from men whom I’ve known previously via email and Facebook. I started an affair with one from my past who’s passion has always been intoxicating. He told me he wanted to be with me, and always pushed the fact that I was still married. So I broke up with my husband, for a little liar boy who doesn’t even drive. He was with his “ex’ girlfriend the whole time he was with me, and quickly lost interest in our affair after I told my husband I wanted a divorce…..Real cute.
After the “break-up” talk with husband, we remained living together in the house, sleeping in the same bed. We watched movies and dined together and even had more sex than we had in the past year or two. With the pressure of marriage relieved from us, we talked more openly than ever and enjoyed each other’s company. Even the lawyer was confused that we still lived together, we drove together to do divorce things and joked & laughed in the waiting area.
I have loved my new life from the minute I emerged into it. I loved having to make things work. I can see clearly in my mind my first days spent here in my apt. So liberating. I have BECOME someone SO completely different. I have BECOME the person he was always wanting me to be. Self sufficient, social, active. Its tragic really.
I miss him. There were tons of good times. We knew each other well. Its all different now.
I miss your face.
Happy Anniversary.
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