I married to have a family. I picked the house out as if it were a JcPenney catalog at Christmas. It was meant to house at least one child. That’s why it wasn’t in Utica, because of the schools. I envisioned having a family. A FAMILY. It gives me chills. I envisioned kids getting off the bus and doing their homework on the dining room table, which never existed. I had nursery décor planned out in my mind. Branches and butterflies. It was “The Plan” to have children….until we got married, and then he changed his tune. He saw my dark side and got scared. Or maybe he was afraid that he was unable to create life. Or maybe both.
Everyday that goes by I forget more and more about that life that was supposed to be, but there remains a spore in my heart for the life that was and what was supposed to be.
I was never in love with you Kevin, I was in love with the life that we were supposed to have in my own mind. I appreciate everything that you had given me. I appreciate your half assed attempts in making it work when we would get in an ‘argument’ and you would take me somewhere just to enjoy the day together. I rarely enjoyed it.
Being friends hasn’t worked out either. Well played.
Present day, I am in love with a man who has already had life and family. The reasons why he doesn’t have his family around him now, I know a little about, but I need to learn more. His oldest daughter is my age. His youngest is a son, just turned 23. I do not know why he doesn’t try to see his children. Maybe he sees his children in my youth, and that’s why he loves me. There is no hope in having a future with this one. I miss having hope for the future.
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